Long Time Gone

i tend to take on others' pain too much, and bear it on my shoulders. i need to learn how not to do that. i do this whenever other people get really upset. what would it mean to let go, to let other people have their pain? fear. fear they might hurt me. fear of not being needed, of being abandoned. life and love are scary. other people can up and leave whenever they want to, leaving me holding whatever deficits and emptinesses i have that can only be filled temporarily, until they can be filled permanently. i don't know how to do relationships. there is something about close relationships that throws me off, draws me in, takes me off kilter. how to remain intact while intimate? every time i check my email and there aren't any new ones, i feel empty and unpopular.

I feel lost and confused. I do not know how to discover my interests. Or find a job a like. Or have any idea at all what kind of job I want. How do I find out? What do I want? What about grad school? I'm so lucky I'm getting $21,000 in Cal Grants for next year. Hopefully the Eli Lilly Scholarship will cover the rest, plus my Mills scholarships and any federal aid. can i be happy when others are happy, when they make progress and i do not? not feel left behind or abandoned? the only constant is change, and that frightens me. i do not know how to remain whole.

I don't know where to begin looking, and fear that schools like Stanford have a leg up on all the good jobs. I'm really bitter about not having the opportunity to apply there.

I'm afraid that if other people don't need me, they won't stick around and they won't love me. I don't like subconsciously trying to get others to depend on me, though. I don't want that. I have boundary problems that make my life miserable sometimes. I'd like to work on them but I don't know how. I really need support and answers and guidance these days, and don't know where to look. I'm daunted by this summer.

the most powerful people are wealthy men and beautiful, young women.

where do I go from here, other than up? establishing my own life is scary, and I do not know where to begin. I have such negative connotations when it comes to getting beyond the illness and trying to function in the real world, and don't know how to break that pattern. I'm afraid of never being connected to people and places where I feel connected, not ever finding a meaningful internship or earning enough money; of always being on the outside. After all, isn't that what I've gotten, all these years, despite my best efforts to claw my way back to where I do belong? Separated from meaning, from my self, from my life.

what does this entail? how do i not continue to alienate myself from myself and insist i'm someone i'm not?