Long Time Gone

Wann der silberne Mond durch die Gesträuche blinkt Und sein schlummerndes Licht über den Rasen streut, Und die Nachtigall flötet, Wandl'ich traurig von Busch zu Busch. Selig preis ich dich dann, flötende Nachtigall, Weil dein Weibchen mit dir wohnet in einem Nest, Ihrem singenden Gatten Tausend trauliche Küsse gibt. Überhüllet von Laub, girret ein Taubenpaar Sein Entzücken mir vor; aber ich wende mich, Suche dunklere Schatten, Und die einsame Träne rinnt. Wann, o lächelndes Bild, welches wie Morgenrot Durch sie Seele mir strahlt, find ich auf Erden dich? Und die einsame Träne Bebt mir heisser die Wang herab! [Ludwig Heinrich Christoph Holty] [translation Renny Christopher]

Psychiatry is not. What a shame Tom Cruise hasn't the intelligence or education to read and understand any of the scientific literature affirming that science is indeed real, and that psychiatry does exist as a respected and multi-faceted medical field. I imagine he relies on secondary and tertiary sources who already have an anti-psychiatry agenda for his opinions. Psychiatrists make mistakes in judgment from time to time, just like anyone else does. Psychiatric medication is not for everyone, and in general should be a last resort; but that does not mean it cannot be useful for some people in some circumstances. People must be allowed the dignity to make their own mistakes and to learn from them. Why Scientologists show up outside of professional psychiatry assocation meetings to protest and hand out uninformed flyers that make them seem even more preposterous is beyond me. Why not address the epidemic of child abuse? let me guess--maybe child abuse is...i don't know--...

Best Actress: Charlize Theron will not win because no one saw "North Country", no one cares about it, and she already had her big Oscar moment and has yet to find another award-worthy role. By the way, what was up with "North Country"? It seemed like an "Erin Brokovich" remake, and I didn't like "Erin" to begin with. Plus, that "tough woman challenging the male-dominated system" is such an overdone subgenre. Judi Dench will not win because she's already won so many awards and there are other, more "relevant" actresses nominated who are just coming into their own. Plus, her film is too new and has had no time to acquire "Oscar buzz". I would love for Keira Knightley to win, just because I'm crazy about her, but she will lose to Reese Witherspoon because she's too young, too new to the scene, and her role just wasn't "meaty" enough for an Oscar win. I can't wait to see her dress, ...

I can't remember the last time I cared about my life, or the last time I was enthusiastic about school. I don't know how to resurrect my love of learning and don't really understand where I am in my life. My mind feels so impenetrable; I just don't feel ready to absorb any new information at all, since my inner life has barely returned there isn't much infrastructure to hang new knowledge on. i am a prisoner of my brain today. suffering in excelsis. dinner starts soon, i'm so tired i feel like driving. depressed and confused about the general direction of my life, feeling separate from others. still don't know what to do with what life has dropped in my life. it's so meaningless. i'm craving life experiences. i'm sick of hearing other people having lives, i want one of my own and feel trapped by school. don't know the solution. i feel like i have sadness seething out of every pore today.

"No, Mini-Me, we do not gnaw on our kitty!" I adore Dr. Evil. I dread homework, don't want to go to the library tomorrow to listen to the stupid music recordings. Our presentation on Wednesday should be fun, but I want to care about the real world and find a job and meaning, an apartment and boyfriend. I'm growing tired. It's past midnight; the bells are chiming. I do not wish to perform anymore, but do not know how else to exist. Is there a person behind the facade? Would anyone like her? Am I willing to let others not like me? Just like Eliante, unsure about performance.

My hair is falling out like crazy and I miss it so much. I used to have such beautiful hair; now my body is a used-up chemical wasteland. The last time I felt pretty was when I was 15. I don't like all the noise here. I don't like noise after 10pm or before 10am. I must sound very old. When I was a kid I swore I'd never be dull or listless like some of the adults around me seemed. I really value quiet, and don't know when/if I'll be able to experience a quiet home again. I really miss our old house. I don't understand why X is so cold and opportunistic. It's quite bizarre. She's a social climber and it seems that once she has no use for you, you don't exist. When I don't get emails it's like a knife to the heart. I don't feel truly close to anyone right now; X and its fallout keep people away. I still have a headache. I hope it won't keep me awake. This is so relaxing and so much more relevant to my life than school. I ...

What a day. I am fed up with school and my own problems to the hilt. How come if we're such an "advanced" society there are so many existentially unhappy people, blogging in the cyber-ether like myself? Honestly, I'm just so desperately lonely and have nowhere to go. X alienated many of my friends years ago, and I simply don't know how to build rewarding friendships where I feel supported and loved. Or maybe I do, I just don't know how to appreciate them? Not sure. There are many people around me who care about me but something is missing. A boyfriend, that's for sure. My life is missing Y chromosome! A friend said it is a delight to hear from me, that made me feel good. What a day. I am so sick of school and am feeling depressed about it, plus all the fallout from X is simply unbearable and unacceptable. I don't know what I am supposed to do about it, and there is no one to give me advice since no one else knows either. I have a headache....