An Aromatic Crystal Ball
Your Birthday Today: Your radical new look will cause heads to turn, as complete strangers hurry to avoid eye contact with you.
Aries: When times are tough and the world around you seems grim, don't be afraid to turn to religion for a good, hearty laugh.
Taurus: Your bold, take-no-prisoners attitude has made you who you are today: one of the least successful criminal prosecutors in the country.
Gemini: A profound sense of sorrow will be brought on this week by the realization that you've grown too old to have fewer children.
Cancer: Your science-fiction novel will be heralded as a "work of utmost urgency and importance" by critics in a mirror universe this week.
Leo: Inmates across the country will soon recount the story of how you once made a small shiv from nothing more than a larger shiv.
Virgo: While couples who live together often begin to look alike over time, an apartment-wide fire this week will bring about the resemblance in just hours.
Libra: Remember: Only by looking deep within yourself, will you find the answer to your nagging digestive troubles.
Scorpio: [omitted]
Sagittarius: You will experience debilitating pain, unspeakable agony, and the loss of all of your hair when a voodoo doll bearing your likeness falls into the hands of a 5-year-old girl.
Capricorn: Attempts at self-medicating with alcohol will once again fail to treat your rampant alcoholism.
Aquarius: Filled with self-hate and disgust, you'll try to justify your actions by remarking that in dog years the terrier was probably of age.
Pisces: A magical, life-affirming night of passion will be regarded as little more than an error in judgment by your true soul mate this week.
[the Onion]
Aries: When times are tough and the world around you seems grim, don't be afraid to turn to religion for a good, hearty laugh.
Taurus: Your bold, take-no-prisoners attitude has made you who you are today: one of the least successful criminal prosecutors in the country.
Gemini: A profound sense of sorrow will be brought on this week by the realization that you've grown too old to have fewer children.
Cancer: Your science-fiction novel will be heralded as a "work of utmost urgency and importance" by critics in a mirror universe this week.
Leo: Inmates across the country will soon recount the story of how you once made a small shiv from nothing more than a larger shiv.
Virgo: While couples who live together often begin to look alike over time, an apartment-wide fire this week will bring about the resemblance in just hours.
Libra: Remember: Only by looking deep within yourself, will you find the answer to your nagging digestive troubles.
Scorpio: [omitted]
Sagittarius: You will experience debilitating pain, unspeakable agony, and the loss of all of your hair when a voodoo doll bearing your likeness falls into the hands of a 5-year-old girl.
Capricorn: Attempts at self-medicating with alcohol will once again fail to treat your rampant alcoholism.
Aquarius: Filled with self-hate and disgust, you'll try to justify your actions by remarking that in dog years the terrier was probably of age.
Pisces: A magical, life-affirming night of passion will be regarded as little more than an error in judgment by your true soul mate this week.
[the Onion]
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