An Aromatic Crystal Ball

Your Birthday Today: Your radical new look will cause heads to turn, as complete strangers hurry to avoid eye contact with you.

Aries: When times are tough and the world around you seems grim, don't be afraid to turn to religion for a good, hearty laugh.

Taurus: Your bold, take-no-prisoners attitude has made you who you are today: one of the least successful criminal prosecutors in the country.

Gemini: A profound sense of sorrow will be brought on this week by the realization that you've grown too old to have fewer children.

Cancer: Your science-fiction novel will be heralded as a "work of utmost urgency and importance" by critics in a mirror universe this week.

Leo: Inmates across the country will soon recount the story of how you once made a small shiv from nothing more than a larger shiv.

Virgo: While couples who live together often begin to look alike over time, an apartment-wide fire this week will bring about the resemblance in just hours.

Libra: Remember: Only by looking deep within yourself, will you find the answer to your nagging digestive troubles.

Scorpio: [omitted]

Sagittarius: You will experience debilitating pain, unspeakable agony, and the loss of all of your hair when a voodoo doll bearing your likeness falls into the hands of a 5-year-old girl.

Capricorn: Attempts at self-medicating with alcohol will once again fail to treat your rampant alcoholism.

Aquarius: Filled with self-hate and disgust, you'll try to justify your actions by remarking that in dog years the terrier was probably of age.

Pisces: A magical, life-affirming night of passion will be regarded as little more than an error in judgment by your true soul mate this week.
[the Onion]

Comments

Thesauros said…
this is very funny stuff. i was just thinking that you should be working for someone like the Onion when of course i found out that . . . Makarios
1:59 PM
Diana said…
thanks, Makarios. I would LOVE to work for "The Onion" or "The Colbert Report" but have no idea how to go about applying...Happy New Year!
2:35 PM
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