Long Time Gone

Above is a famous sketch from Leonardo himself. book review of "The DaVinci Code" to follow. if you liked the book, don't get your hopes up. A fairly ridiculous book; standard mystery plot with reasonably interesting questions raised about the origins of Christianity, but no proof of responsible scholarship anywhere. I'm really not sure why it has received so much attention. It is funny to me that organized religion has raised such strong objections. Much of it is supposition, and makes for very interesting discussion. The point is that there is a whole lot we're never going to know about the Bible. I don't think there's much point in splitting hairs over what did or did not happen. For me, it's simply about taking what works for me from the book and leaving the rest, as with any other text. I don't know if any of it is factual; that's not the point. I'm amazed I was able to read the book at all, since I haven't really been able...

it can, and it will. I will never be the same. My darling, precious, special, one-of-a-kind dad has Alzheimer's disease. He was diagnosed in March but I did not learn about it until a few days ago.

I hereby renounce my obligation to be tolerant and compassionate of other people's struggles with their luggage. Let's see if we can stuff everything we've ever owned and purchased on our vacations into incredibly large suitcases, and then carry as many of them on as possible. Better yet, let's take forever walking down the jetway into the plane, and finding our seat. Let's then spend hours choosing just the right overhead compartment in which to stow our unnecessary junk, argue with family members over who gets which assigned seat, and then grumble while settling into the miniscule-sized seats with which they now inflict on us in coach. The good news is that the food has improved; there isn't any. I actually like the idea of purchasing whatever it is they're offering; I find it a little better than regular airline food. I prefer to bring my own meal, and not worry about wasting a pre-existing "rubber chicken," as my dad would say. Actually, b...

I purchased two delicious books at Border's tonight: "The Name of the Rose," by Umberto Eco, which I suspect will be like "The DaVinci Code" but actually good, and "Hawai'i," by James Michener, since I spend the afternoon reading about Hawaiian history and would like to learn more.

I feel terribly happy, sitting in one of two Starbuck's on the island of Kau'i. Spent the afternoon on the beach, watching and listening to surfers, boogie boarders, and assorted bodysurfers (would-be?) hoot and holler and screech with delight as they caught waves, or, more often, wiped out and ended up with sand in their swimsuits. Terribly happy to be here. Starbuck's closes soon, so I'll have to be quick. Thanks for reading! Had a divine dinner at Tidepools, at the uber-ritzy Grand Hyatt. People here are so friendly I have absolutely no idea what to do. Love it. The aloha spirit is everywhere. Mahalo Nui!

Westin, Hyatt, Marriott, Sheraton, blah blah blah.

The ever-humorous Ellen DeGeneres: "My grandmother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She's 93 now, and we have no idea where the hell she is."

this song is from the musical "South Pacific." While Hawai'i is not technically South Pacific, it feels very much like it. more to come.

to become an account of all the silly things i see people do when on vacation at the beach!

waking up long before i would at almost any other time: when it is still dark. heading to airport in strange vehicle of some kind--airport shuttle, usually... it's all a blur--don clothes laid out from night previous, eat something for breakfast at home... i hope i'm able to sleep on the plane. quite tired; about 4 hours of sleep last night. must figure out what to wear on plane--something warm enough for the plane. mom has already criticized my choice of outfit, and it's only 6:02am. it's going to be a long 10 days! she told me that "[I] didn't want to wear that sweater," when I was already wearing it, which one would think would confirm that this indeed is the precise sweater I plan on wearing. sheesh.

hopefully, i will be able to blog from my laptop at the airport tomorrow. a non-stop flight, mercifully, which means little airport time to blog, but i really should avoid technology for a substantial period every now and then. Writing is my leg up, my way out, my ground zero. my truth and honesty, my evidence and excavation. "Hope is the thing with feathers..." --Emily Dickinson can someone fill in the rest of the poem? i'm too tired to look it up right now. thanks. i am fabulous, and that's all there is to it. why do i feel so down on myself every now and then? there are some things about myself that i really don't like. how do i live in harmony with them and with all the things i love about myself? very confusing. advice?

this post is just a little shout out to my friend Amina, who heads back to Cairo soon. I received an email from her today, which was a treat. I wish all of my friends a most enjoyable summer. I expect everyone to return to school in the fall with positively outrageous stories to share!

*one big sigh* I feel like my school year has finally ended. tomorrow I leave with my family for Hawaii, a favorite destination of ours ever since my parents honeymooned there in 1965. i'm dragging my heels with packing. i just can't wait to feel the warm island air on my skin, the smell of hibiscus, hear hawaiian music and spend all day listening to the waves crash on the beach. i can't wait for pristine, warm, ocean water again, in which i can swim and play and ride the waves all day long. that's really all i have planned, with a possible excursion to the sole starbucks on the island (mercifully just one) to check email and maintain my blog, which i may miss. it will be good for me to be disconnected from my usual distractions and escapes, though. i need to reflect on the past year and plan for the future. i'm bringing a journal and books in the hopes i will be able to write and read. no guarantees with bipolar, though. as an only child, i can get really ov...

Dearest readers, I will be on vacation in Hawaii until June 2. I may or may not have access to the internet during this time, so if I do not post, do not fear! I shall regale you with ridiculous travel stories at that time. If you cannot reach me via cell phone either, due to my carrier's Paleolithic-era technology, I suggest trying to reach me via the message-in-a-bottle technique!

i am always and ever afraid that everyone will leave me because i am self-centered and do not know how not to be. on the other hand, feelings are always valid--mine and everyone else's--and when i get into arguments, i never know who is right and who is wrong, or what is right and what is wrong. i just know that this all has a very familiar feel to it.

learning how to talk about myself less. i value friends who are willing to be honest with me, rather than silently judge or tolerate me.

well, almost everything. i am so afraid to stand on my own two feet.

sometimes i fear that i am a worthless human being. i know i have so much going for me, and yet i have rock-bottom self-esteem. i also have terrible attitudes about many things that keep me down. i'm so afraid that what lies ahead of me is insurmountable. afraid i will never find my place in the world, or any place for me at all. fear of being a perpetual outsider, fundamentally unlovable, with no idea whatsoever of what makes me happy. i do not know how to behave around other people. and i eat too much bad food.

there are many things that i don't like about myself. i had a badly-needed reality check today. got called on a fair amount of my really ugly stuff. some parts of me i find disgusting. a lot of my attitudes just don't jive. i can be hypocritical, arrogant, judgment, intolerant, and haughty. fearful of those who are different. why do i cling so tightly to some views? i feel like my survival is threatened. hm.

still a whiny child at heart, i am. i want what i want when i want it. so much for love not being selfish. sometimes, my love is pure need, without thinking or caring about consequences. not the person i want to be. fear at the root.

how ironic that hitler hosted the olympics at munich in the 1930's and that the israeli athletes were murdered there at the games in the 1970's. i'm currently watching Spielberg's flick "Munich." review to follow.

I can hardly believe it! I can spend a whole day doing nothing without feeling guilty about it! I need to start looking at jobs and internships.

The other night, Jay Leno told a joke that went something like this: "Today at the White House, George Bush said that he was surprised how rapidly global warming was taking place." "One of his staffers tapped him on the shoulder and whispered, 'Sir, it's just springtime.'" Al Gore has a documentary out called "An Inconvenient Truth." Sounds a bit one-sided, if interesting. Probably more true than not. [image courtesy of drudgereport.com]

tonight was my 2nd role-play evening with the MVPD. lots of fun. i never knew police work could be so much fun; i only hear about crime through the media, not the camaraderie and team work and satisfaction of helping people out that is part of the MVPD community. Monday I assist at the swearing-in/promotion ceremony at the Performing Arts Center! I get to wear my uniform!

Dear Erin, I'm sorry I did not have the chance to say good bye to you in person yesterday. You've been a wonderful addition to our group of friends this year. I really hope you'll be in touch and keep us apprised of your med school applications, cycling, etc. Maybe I'll see you in Claremont sometime, or please come visit any time you're in the Bay Area! much love, Diana

Oh, the silliness of it all. Rising above the petty bickering and gossip and jockeying for supremacy. Some people jump on whichever bandwagon happens to be the closest; others are devious and organize against the vulnerable or the less-mean. I really don't care, don't believe in feuds, just wish to be decent to everyone.

sometimes I look in the mirror and I see myself again. it's all about being imperfect. that's how you let others in. that's how you let them love you. news to me. and to all, a good night...

No sooner does the semester end, and the reality of not having any outstanding work hanging over my head and impeding my enjoyment of CSI: Miami (save me the groans) sets in, than i am clobbered with more evidence of the utter failure of the system to produce any meaningful results whatsoever. a month ago, i submitted my Cal Grant application, and my online account informed me that i was ELIGIBLE for $21,000 in aid. little did i realize the power of the word "ELIGIBLE," for, as i found out today, i have been disqualified from receiving a RED CENT from the state of California, nevermind the fact that Schwarzenegger could pay out of his own pocket for my entire education. My GPA is 3.9, my taxable income for last year was $100, and I have been on disability--not by choice--for many years. Exactly how am I ineligible for any aid from the state? This is outrageous. Bush proposes cutting federal student aid. Why?

no, not really; that's just a ridiculous title from a 1980's-era "Def Leppard" song. but seriously, i'm learning how important it is to be selective about whom i love, and when and where and in what context, in order to minimize pain. love is an art, it seems, and must be treated with respect. it isn't and should not be destructive or painful, but i'm a novice. jealousy is a corrosive acid, however, for which i have no antidote and against which I have no defense. yuck. from where does it come? rooted in fear, but there must be something else, too. jealousy that others have what i don't and have always longed for. sadness at feeling left behind. wishing i had what i want and have always wanted, and probably would have had were it not for bipolar. feeling permanently separated from meaning and from the life that is mine, from opportunities with my name inscribed in them that are forever stolen and lost. i am afraid to strike out on my own, but i si...

I can hardly finish the school year without an homage to the glorious Fenton's Creamery, on Piedmont Avenue, in the less bullet-ridden area of Oakland. A frequent pilgrimage for our group of friends, Fenton's is a local institution with about as diverse a cross-section of the local community as one could expect, together with FANTASTIC, home-made ice cream and tons of other yummy menu items.

Hello! I've been submerged up to my elbows in alligators of late, and have neglected sharing my hum-drum, occasionally drama-filled life with you, much more to my regret than to yours, i'm certain. anyway, i'm still here, with much to catch you up on. i have a french paper to complete as soon as possible, and i move out of the dorm this week, after an entire school year. summer looms, with some opportunity and decisions to be made. things have been a bit of a whirlwind interpersonally, as well. more later. gunshots galore--welcome back to oakland after a silent night in mountain view!

yikes. quite a day. depressing Laker game, after player ejections, questionable referee calls and a really ugly loss to the Suns. Game #6 should be interesting; i won't be able to see it, though, since i'll be role-playing with the police academy. my role is to be an hysterical 911 caller! should be interesting. don't know about my acting skills, though. i ate lots of yucky food today. i think i'm starting to gain weight with all these late-night fast food runs and snacks. i had two giant kitkat bars, chinese food for dinner, chinese food for lunch with frozen yogurt with oreos in it. no salad. i can do better than that! maybe writing it down will help. just one more paper to write; in french. i turn in my in-english paper tomorrow. thinking about the summer, about doctor visits, about where to apply for internships. about how to help others without blurring boundaries or depleting myself. about standing up for myself and telling the truth even if it means o...

foot-in-mouth disease. forget about the bird flu! i have something more serious--saying the most insensitive things without realizing it until it's too late. how can i work on this? sheesh. i hurt people without intending to. think before i crack silly jokes?

a presumptuous habit from pomona i have yet to shake, and may never--using bigger words when smaller ones would do. it's funny how colleges mark us in different ways--speech habits, even pronunciation. stanford people have a particular "sound." even four years can affect the way people talk and move.

i'm trying to think of jobs that sound interesting. investing in film projects? looking for good ideas to fund and develop? speaking different languages every day!

Monday: sirens heard, 2:15pm sirens, 2:26pm sirens, 8:33pm sirens, 8:49pm shots fired, 11:34pm Tuesday: shots fired, 1:09am sirens, 1:50pm sirens, 4:10pm sirens, 4:15pm sirens, 4:23pm two shots fired, 6:22pm siren, 7:20pm siren, 7:38pm Wednesday: 12:38am sirens gunfire, 1:52am gunfire, 2:23am sirens three times, 2:30-4pm sirens, 6:22pm

here's my attempt to make my blog a little more interactive: what is your opinion about the immigrant protests taking place today? do you think they should be granted amnesty? taxed? deported? leave a comment!

i just want to say hello and thank you to the people who read my blog, and in particular, my friends and family. it means so much to me that you take an interest, and most importantly, that hopefully you read something with which you can identify. good health and a happy summer to all!

i don't see how people can enter the country illegally and then demand rights. it's a huge problem--illegal immigrants--but there are many more constructive ways to deal with it than by constructing a wall and making felons out of people who hire/house illegals (proposals that have been raised in Congress).