Once I Give Everything to You
what do I have left for myself?
it is entirely too easy to abandon my life in favor of someone else's. the pain is still there, and i feel like a black hole no one wants to look into. i feel like a dead weight.
i need to establish my own life, and i am petrified. i do not know how to do that. i have to take the plunge, but i do not know where or when. mills has its moments, but it is not the real world. i've been cooped up long enough, to put it mildly.
i feel like i need someone to do for me what i have done/am doing for you. when you find clarity, i am left to grapple with my own, or my lack thereof; to gaze into my own abyss rather than other people's. i want to figure out what i want to major in. i need purpose and meaning, and income.
i have been neglecting my own life, and i feel it. a deficit. throwing everything else overboard. imbalance.
there are entire worlds i have yet to discover, and time is running short. i don't really have the luxury of making mistakes, i'm not young anymore, not in that sense. i feel the weight of every mistake and every loss, and i am entirely alone on this path, as usual.
i've been investing so much; possibly to my own detriment. i need a re-evaluation. my tectonic plates are shifting.
i need to earn some money. i am tired of being in debt. i am scared of the future, and i'm tired of being scared of the future. there is no security at all; there are no guarantees. i am terrified i'll never be able to provide for myself. no one understands. why am i so alone?
i am tired of being ground to a halt. i should list my blog on the Icarus website so like-minded people can read it--i.e. the sane-minded, high-functioning bipolar folks who fight the same wars i fight with a single sword.
i have levels of intimacy that no one can reach. life is all about not feeling alone; i know that from experience, because i know how painful it is to be alone and involuntarily exiled.
everyone looks, but no one sees. i feel destitute. i give and i give, but where do i go to get? i feel a bit depressed and dis-inclined today. should i go to the gym? yoga? stay in my room and clean? i feel like a hamster on a wheel.
there are entire worlds yet to be discovered. the sooner i get started, the better. the longer i linger, the greater my anguish.
i am looking forward to the summer; there is no doubt of that. but i must tend to my own affairs and create my own infrastructure, rather than borrowing/latching onto other people's, as i have all these years.
i've fought so hard to get where i am, but i'm still not where i want to be.
there's a super-cute EF student on campus; but what am i going to do with that? i'm a thinking man's woman, and i need someone who's been around the block once or twice and lived to tell about it. someone who hates cocktail party conversation as much as i do but knows how to do it anyway, who can put up with my perpetual sadness and inward-looking grief and bear it not as a burden.
i want my world to be broken open, too. i want to be found and discovered; rescued, even. i cannot turn my back on the battle (thank you, Suze Orman).
it is still my job to be a brilliant, blinding light in the world, but i must find my opposite number, too. i just know that i have to strike out on my own, take a deep breath, and keep fighting the good fight. there is no room for cowardice or looking the other way. i take breaks, i give up, temporarily, but i'm always facing in the right direction. i get tired of fighting alone, though.
i hear music playing in Natasha's room and wonder what it's like to go to a concert or to feel in touch with my own generation.
a friend from Pomona took a semester off and went to London. i want to know what that's like. i want to feel like i have my whole life ahead of me, but it's too late for that. mistakes were made for me, i couldn't even have a hand in my own failure.
it is entirely too easy to abandon my life in favor of someone else's. the pain is still there, and i feel like a black hole no one wants to look into. i feel like a dead weight.
i need to establish my own life, and i am petrified. i do not know how to do that. i have to take the plunge, but i do not know where or when. mills has its moments, but it is not the real world. i've been cooped up long enough, to put it mildly.
i feel like i need someone to do for me what i have done/am doing for you. when you find clarity, i am left to grapple with my own, or my lack thereof; to gaze into my own abyss rather than other people's. i want to figure out what i want to major in. i need purpose and meaning, and income.
i have been neglecting my own life, and i feel it. a deficit. throwing everything else overboard. imbalance.
there are entire worlds i have yet to discover, and time is running short. i don't really have the luxury of making mistakes, i'm not young anymore, not in that sense. i feel the weight of every mistake and every loss, and i am entirely alone on this path, as usual.
i've been investing so much; possibly to my own detriment. i need a re-evaluation. my tectonic plates are shifting.
i need to earn some money. i am tired of being in debt. i am scared of the future, and i'm tired of being scared of the future. there is no security at all; there are no guarantees. i am terrified i'll never be able to provide for myself. no one understands. why am i so alone?
i am tired of being ground to a halt. i should list my blog on the Icarus website so like-minded people can read it--i.e. the sane-minded, high-functioning bipolar folks who fight the same wars i fight with a single sword.
i have levels of intimacy that no one can reach. life is all about not feeling alone; i know that from experience, because i know how painful it is to be alone and involuntarily exiled.
everyone looks, but no one sees. i feel destitute. i give and i give, but where do i go to get? i feel a bit depressed and dis-inclined today. should i go to the gym? yoga? stay in my room and clean? i feel like a hamster on a wheel.
there are entire worlds yet to be discovered. the sooner i get started, the better. the longer i linger, the greater my anguish.
i am looking forward to the summer; there is no doubt of that. but i must tend to my own affairs and create my own infrastructure, rather than borrowing/latching onto other people's, as i have all these years.
i've fought so hard to get where i am, but i'm still not where i want to be.
there's a super-cute EF student on campus; but what am i going to do with that? i'm a thinking man's woman, and i need someone who's been around the block once or twice and lived to tell about it. someone who hates cocktail party conversation as much as i do but knows how to do it anyway, who can put up with my perpetual sadness and inward-looking grief and bear it not as a burden.
i want my world to be broken open, too. i want to be found and discovered; rescued, even. i cannot turn my back on the battle (thank you, Suze Orman).
it is still my job to be a brilliant, blinding light in the world, but i must find my opposite number, too. i just know that i have to strike out on my own, take a deep breath, and keep fighting the good fight. there is no room for cowardice or looking the other way. i take breaks, i give up, temporarily, but i'm always facing in the right direction. i get tired of fighting alone, though.
i hear music playing in Natasha's room and wonder what it's like to go to a concert or to feel in touch with my own generation.
a friend from Pomona took a semester off and went to London. i want to know what that's like. i want to feel like i have my whole life ahead of me, but it's too late for that. mistakes were made for me, i couldn't even have a hand in my own failure.
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