Still [Confused] After All These Years
I'm still so confused and I don't understand how or why. I have no access whatsoever into my mind. I'm frustrated because I feel so blocked and I don't know why or what to do about it. I just have all these survival mechanisms put in place because of bipolar and I think some of them are getting in my way now.
But I don't really know that; it's just a supposition. I can't do my schoolwork, or when I do, it's like pulling teeth and I don't enjoy it. I don't know why. I don't enjoy much other than escape. I like doing almost anything else other than my schoolwork, which doesn't help me figure out what I actually *want* to do, I just know that I don't want to be doing schoolwork anymore.
Not after 11 years of college. I lost my love of learning a long time ago and don't know how to recover it, so "learning" has been about survival and trying to get back to a four-year college so I could finally graduate. I spent all those years at Foothill simply because I wasn't ready to transfer/didn't know where or when or how, but I didn't enjoy any of my classes. It's like my brain is completely shut and I can't open it to anything.
I have no joy of learning; nothing interests me. I just want out. It's all so painful; I feel like it's being shoved down my throat and I'm not ready yet. It's like one more level of awakeness that I don't have. I'm still shut down on so many levels and feel like I couldn't even be pried open with a steel bar. It takes too much effort to wake up, and it's still too painful. Nothing has come along to rouse my interest enough.
I can't believe Mike Ty died; it's just the most shocking and sad thing to happen in awhile. He really was so brilliant, and now it appears that he'd gotten his act together and was fulfilling his promise, and he died. Such a waste. He was my friend in high school, and I can't believe his life is already over. So shocking. He really was going to do great things.
I have no idea what I'd rather be doing at this point in my life--well, I do--an interesting job with an adequate income, an apartment that I love, friends my own age, and a boyfriend. That is still so far away and I'm 29. Most people my age have settled down already. I haven't even started that process.
I really don't know why my schoolwork is so difficult; I'm just incredibly blocked. There are a million other things I'd rather be doing, like being useful in the real world and being appreciated and making a difference, not sitting around taking notes and writing papers that mean nothing to me. It's like my life is not anchored in reality; I'm only here because I need a degree to be hire-able, it's not as if I'm drawn to any one particular subject. I just need a degree, any degree. I'd rather be out socializing and growing as a person and all this school is preventing me from doing that, and I'm incredibly annoyed that my life is being delayed for stupid reasons that mean nothing to me.
I've been without meaning for so long; I just cannot tolerate anything that prevents me from having meaning now. I don't know who I am; why should I be in school if I don't have any idea who I am or what I want? I live an entirely untested life and I'm sick of it. I'm just floating around in a vacuum and won't have any idea who i am or what i want until I graduate and get out into the real world. I'll be ready for school then--it will mean something then, maybe. Who knows?
If computer geeks can get hired without a degree, why can't a decent writer like myself find work without a degree?
But I don't really know that; it's just a supposition. I can't do my schoolwork, or when I do, it's like pulling teeth and I don't enjoy it. I don't know why. I don't enjoy much other than escape. I like doing almost anything else other than my schoolwork, which doesn't help me figure out what I actually *want* to do, I just know that I don't want to be doing schoolwork anymore.
Not after 11 years of college. I lost my love of learning a long time ago and don't know how to recover it, so "learning" has been about survival and trying to get back to a four-year college so I could finally graduate. I spent all those years at Foothill simply because I wasn't ready to transfer/didn't know where or when or how, but I didn't enjoy any of my classes. It's like my brain is completely shut and I can't open it to anything.
I have no joy of learning; nothing interests me. I just want out. It's all so painful; I feel like it's being shoved down my throat and I'm not ready yet. It's like one more level of awakeness that I don't have. I'm still shut down on so many levels and feel like I couldn't even be pried open with a steel bar. It takes too much effort to wake up, and it's still too painful. Nothing has come along to rouse my interest enough.
I can't believe Mike Ty died; it's just the most shocking and sad thing to happen in awhile. He really was so brilliant, and now it appears that he'd gotten his act together and was fulfilling his promise, and he died. Such a waste. He was my friend in high school, and I can't believe his life is already over. So shocking. He really was going to do great things.
I have no idea what I'd rather be doing at this point in my life--well, I do--an interesting job with an adequate income, an apartment that I love, friends my own age, and a boyfriend. That is still so far away and I'm 29. Most people my age have settled down already. I haven't even started that process.
I really don't know why my schoolwork is so difficult; I'm just incredibly blocked. There are a million other things I'd rather be doing, like being useful in the real world and being appreciated and making a difference, not sitting around taking notes and writing papers that mean nothing to me. It's like my life is not anchored in reality; I'm only here because I need a degree to be hire-able, it's not as if I'm drawn to any one particular subject. I just need a degree, any degree. I'd rather be out socializing and growing as a person and all this school is preventing me from doing that, and I'm incredibly annoyed that my life is being delayed for stupid reasons that mean nothing to me.
I've been without meaning for so long; I just cannot tolerate anything that prevents me from having meaning now. I don't know who I am; why should I be in school if I don't have any idea who I am or what I want? I live an entirely untested life and I'm sick of it. I'm just floating around in a vacuum and won't have any idea who i am or what i want until I graduate and get out into the real world. I'll be ready for school then--it will mean something then, maybe. Who knows?
If computer geeks can get hired without a degree, why can't a decent writer like myself find work without a degree?
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