[Un]Drowning
i feel better when i trust my instincts. when i don't, i feel unwhole and divided down the middle and without my inner compass. very damaging. this is an important lesson for me. it is safe to trust my instincts, and when i don't, i can bounce them off others to get a reality and a sanity check. if i'm being unreasonable, people will tell me, and if i'm not, they'll tell me that too.
i feel so much better. i've been foundering for a little while and not knowing how to handle it, feeling like i could not reach out for help. i know i've made the right decision when i feel free. freedom from the burden of self, from the tyranny of the ego and from self-centeredness. part of the reason i feel so much better is that my reality has been validated. all along i felt it was ok to talk to others but i didn't. the problem is that in so doing, i ignored my instincts.
in speaking to others, i took a leap of faith and trusted my own instincts, and it paid off. i feel whole when my reality is validated and my suspicions are confirmed.
years ago, i was in a relationship where i was persuaded not to trust my instincts and it went downhill rapidly. i unravelled. as soon as i stop trusting my instincts, someone or something else is in control. not cool. for me, life is all about maintaining the illusion of control while understanding that it is an illusion. i do not have control over what happens in my life, but i need to feel that i do in order to function.
how to fill the hole inside is a perennial question to which i have no answer. i'm tired of having a hole in my soul, and i don't know what i am supposed to do about it. it's always been there. when i realized i wasn't going to get what i needed from certain people, i knew that i would have to get it from somewhere else, somewhere else safe and healthy and life-giving. i have not found that somewhere else yet, but i plan to keep looking. it's like i'm on hold; i know i can't get it from one source but have not yet found the other.
today has been affirming in several ways. first of all, let me say that it's freezing in my room and i'm turning on my heater to counteract the cold coming in from the closed window. i was at a cafe earlier, studying, and i was overwhelmed by how confident i felt in my sense that the other people were being phony and ridiculous. it's like they act a certain way just because they're at a certain cafe. ludicrous. i don't want what they have.
i felt my reality was affirmed, because i realize that money and things by themselves cannot make me happy, so in a sense, i already have more than wealthy people who have not yet realized that have. i feel like i cannot be defined by exterior things. i have a lot of inner wealth--a lot--and that cannot be taken away. that makes me feel powerful.
financial security is not the same as having a lot of money. i never want to live in financial insecurity again. it tears at my soul and undermines me in every way. i'll be getting off disability soon, and getting on my feet for the first time, which is scary, but necessary. i just want to feel in control of my life. financial security means good money management, not earning a lot and then losing it all and being in debt. i will have ground under my feet for the first time in years.
michael jackson is wealthy but financially insecure. i do not want that. fame and fortune are empty promises. if i manage my money well, i shouldn't have to worry. for me, the fabric of life is love. other people. bottom line.
i may have learned some very rough lessons early on, but they will and they are benefitting me.
this is a journey of my self.
i feel so much better. i've been foundering for a little while and not knowing how to handle it, feeling like i could not reach out for help. i know i've made the right decision when i feel free. freedom from the burden of self, from the tyranny of the ego and from self-centeredness. part of the reason i feel so much better is that my reality has been validated. all along i felt it was ok to talk to others but i didn't. the problem is that in so doing, i ignored my instincts.
in speaking to others, i took a leap of faith and trusted my own instincts, and it paid off. i feel whole when my reality is validated and my suspicions are confirmed.
years ago, i was in a relationship where i was persuaded not to trust my instincts and it went downhill rapidly. i unravelled. as soon as i stop trusting my instincts, someone or something else is in control. not cool. for me, life is all about maintaining the illusion of control while understanding that it is an illusion. i do not have control over what happens in my life, but i need to feel that i do in order to function.
how to fill the hole inside is a perennial question to which i have no answer. i'm tired of having a hole in my soul, and i don't know what i am supposed to do about it. it's always been there. when i realized i wasn't going to get what i needed from certain people, i knew that i would have to get it from somewhere else, somewhere else safe and healthy and life-giving. i have not found that somewhere else yet, but i plan to keep looking. it's like i'm on hold; i know i can't get it from one source but have not yet found the other.
today has been affirming in several ways. first of all, let me say that it's freezing in my room and i'm turning on my heater to counteract the cold coming in from the closed window. i was at a cafe earlier, studying, and i was overwhelmed by how confident i felt in my sense that the other people were being phony and ridiculous. it's like they act a certain way just because they're at a certain cafe. ludicrous. i don't want what they have.
i felt my reality was affirmed, because i realize that money and things by themselves cannot make me happy, so in a sense, i already have more than wealthy people who have not yet realized that have. i feel like i cannot be defined by exterior things. i have a lot of inner wealth--a lot--and that cannot be taken away. that makes me feel powerful.
financial security is not the same as having a lot of money. i never want to live in financial insecurity again. it tears at my soul and undermines me in every way. i'll be getting off disability soon, and getting on my feet for the first time, which is scary, but necessary. i just want to feel in control of my life. financial security means good money management, not earning a lot and then losing it all and being in debt. i will have ground under my feet for the first time in years.
michael jackson is wealthy but financially insecure. i do not want that. fame and fortune are empty promises. if i manage my money well, i shouldn't have to worry. for me, the fabric of life is love. other people. bottom line.
i may have learned some very rough lessons early on, but they will and they are benefitting me.
this is a journey of my self.
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