Fed Up
i am so tired of living at home. i never wanted to in the first place, and i despise all the lost years. it's excruciating to watch my friends enjoy those years i never had.
such bitterness.
i am so lonely and there is nothing to do around here; no one to talk to or hang out with.
another several weeks of my life wasted, counting down until i can go back to school.
another saturday night of tv by myself.
well, at least i was consistent--no social life whatsoever for my entire third decade; no fun, no enjoyment, no personal growth.
i want to cry but it wouldn't help. i am tired of being in pain.
at least i went to yoga today, that got me out of the house. it's a cheerful environment; my home environment is so depressing and tedious i can't stand it. and i'm alone and hurting and there's no one to comfort me. raw deal.
then i'll go to my friend's baby shower next weekend, and have to watch everyone else have the life i never got to.
it hurts more than i could say.
i feel like tv and my blog are my only connections to the outside world. i am so lonely; when am i going to start meeting people? school's an improvement; i must do something off campus and find a peer group. i am so fed up with being out of sync with the rest of the world, watching everyone else have a life while i couldn't. i was going to have a good life, too, rather than unending suffering and humiliation and loss and deprivation.
enough. what do i have to do to get a break? how much more suffering? when will i ever feel a part of the world again?
it spawns a loneliness unlike any other. i don't like it. i feel wretched tonight. i want to hide in my bedroom and do puzzles and watch tv. there is nothing else to do.
very often, my life is not worth waking up for. that's where i am again. i don't wish to deal with bills, grocery shopping, schoolwork, anything at all because it's too painful. if there's anything good going on in my life, i can bear the rest of it. without any bright spots, i just shut down. that's what i'm doing now. it's too painful to be awake.
such bitterness.
i am so lonely and there is nothing to do around here; no one to talk to or hang out with.
another several weeks of my life wasted, counting down until i can go back to school.
another saturday night of tv by myself.
well, at least i was consistent--no social life whatsoever for my entire third decade; no fun, no enjoyment, no personal growth.
i want to cry but it wouldn't help. i am tired of being in pain.
at least i went to yoga today, that got me out of the house. it's a cheerful environment; my home environment is so depressing and tedious i can't stand it. and i'm alone and hurting and there's no one to comfort me. raw deal.
then i'll go to my friend's baby shower next weekend, and have to watch everyone else have the life i never got to.
it hurts more than i could say.
i feel like tv and my blog are my only connections to the outside world. i am so lonely; when am i going to start meeting people? school's an improvement; i must do something off campus and find a peer group. i am so fed up with being out of sync with the rest of the world, watching everyone else have a life while i couldn't. i was going to have a good life, too, rather than unending suffering and humiliation and loss and deprivation.
enough. what do i have to do to get a break? how much more suffering? when will i ever feel a part of the world again?
it spawns a loneliness unlike any other. i don't like it. i feel wretched tonight. i want to hide in my bedroom and do puzzles and watch tv. there is nothing else to do.
very often, my life is not worth waking up for. that's where i am again. i don't wish to deal with bills, grocery shopping, schoolwork, anything at all because it's too painful. if there's anything good going on in my life, i can bear the rest of it. without any bright spots, i just shut down. that's what i'm doing now. it's too painful to be awake.
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