Long Time Gone

Scharffie is making occasional appearances, eating (though not in front of us), and using the kitty litter. i volunteered today, and may tomorrow. then i'm going to carmel. i'm really excited about it. rishna's restaurant has good food and they take good care of me there. we'll hang out with andee, the dogs will party at nora's house, etc. saddam is gone. now that it's over, i think he should have been done away with long ago.

The first segment of a multi-segment stand-up show of Ellen's.

Busy, busy, busy! More later. I have a cat to find, a shower to take, an appointment to get to, and a loan to take out! A pretty shitty day, overall, for sure. Brian and I talked over dinner about the beginning of the AIDS epidemic. He lost his first boyfriend to AIDS. Now there's a whole new generation of young people who don't know much about it. That's a problem. *sigh*. i really don't know what to do. i wish i could go to bed and wake up tomorrow without any problems. "I would stay asleep my whole life if I could dream myself into a company of players." --Shakespeare in Love Gwyneth Paltrow is right, Tom Stoppard is the bomb.

We've just brought Scharffie home in his huge cat carrier. My dad and I are talking about him in German because we think it sounds funny. He is so happy I can't even tell you. It's adorable and it makes me so happy. He was hiding between the wall and the bookshelf and now he's between the sofa and bookshelf, behind the lamp. My dad is grinning from ear to ear and trying to coax him out. It's just heartwarming to have him. Anything to improve the quality of my dad's life is on my list. My dad is still pretty much himself and I am NOT looking forward to his Alzheimer's progressing, which it inevitably will. Unlike bipolar, Alzheimer's destroys the entire brain. It's a wretched and cruel illness, no doubt about it. my dad is calling the cat "Herr Scharffenberger!"

I'm conflicted about next semester. I really want to take five classes, because I've found five that really interest me and it's my last semester in college and I'd like to take full advantage of it, but at the same time I feel the need to spend as much time as possible preparing for the next phase of my life, i.e. graduation and finding a job and transitioning to the outside world. I fear that I'm holding on to the past rather than letting go and embracing the future. I also want to get in shape next semester, and taking five classes would make that harder. On the other hand, one of the classes doesn't meet for most of the semester (the UN class actually goes to New York), which would allow for more room for a fifth class. I'm conflicted. Another possibility is to take just 3.5 units so I could focus more fully on extra-curricular plans. There are so many classes I wish to take and so many languages. I'm hoping to get a Portuguese language tape fr...

Feet on the ground, head in the clouds. I love classical, choral Christmas music. There is something so pure about it, and it reminds me of my favorite things about Christmas when I was a kid.

Why am I majoring in International Relations if language and words are my first love? This is all so confusing. On the brink of graduating from college is daunting. I'm scared. I just want my life to be a bastion of healing.

Barry Bonds Took Steroids, Reports Everyone Who Has Ever Watched Baseball SAN FRANCISCO—With the publication of a book detailing steroid use by San Francisco Giants superstar Barry Bonds, two San Francisco Chronicle reporters have corroborated the claims of Bonds' steroid abuse by every single person... Florida State University To Phase Out Academic Operations By 2010 SARASOTA, FL—Bowing to pressure from alumni, students, and a majority of teaching professors of Florida State University, athletic director... Cardinals Apologize For Winning World Series ST. LOUIS—Calling Friday night's victory on baseball's grandest stage "a terrible mistake," members of the St. Louis Cardinals issued a formal apology for making the playoffs, winning the World Series, and depriving baseball fans everywhere...

One of Rishna's philosophical ideas about life that I agree with. I'm tired. It's been a busy weekend, running around, getting last minute gifts, making sure everything is organized, adjusting to a hectic schedule, being away from home, etc. *Sigh*. It's good to reconnect with myself. Merry Christmas to everyone! I'm feeling overwhelmed at the thought of my final semester in college--what to expect, what to do, how to cope and face all the challenging feelings I'm having. Right now I'm watching CSI: Miami, eating Belgian chocolate, and zoning out in general. I should get ready to go to bed soon. I ate too much chocolate.

Off to visit Heesh for a day or two. yaye! here's hoping my car doesn't break down on the way to or from. i'm worried about the transmission, which is kind of a big deal, but i'm just going to trust that all will be well. oh, and they called off the search for those remaining hikers on Mount Hood in Oregon. So sad.

I'm watching an SNL rerun, and Will Forte is playing a character at a spelling bee, based on his Tim Calhoun character. It just kills me. He's brilliant.

"The Onion's" Astrological Predictions For 2007: Aries: You will be reunited with a long-lost love as soon as the last of the snow melts away in March. [huh?] Taurus: After years of wandering purposefully through life, a chance encounter this April will at last restore your faith in mere coincidences. Gemini: As upset as you'll be over breaking your New Year's resolution, it will ultimately pale in comparison to how friends and family members of your victims will feel. Cancer: 2007 might finally be the year when you take your life into your own hands and begin doing something proactive about your future. Keep checking back here to see if that's indeed the case. Virgo: The next six months will be a time of great inner growth for you—but then any certified oncologist could have told you that. Libra: Learn to focus on the positives this year, instead of just dwelling on January, February, March, April, May, June, July, August, September, November, and Decem...

Osama Bin Laden Takes Credit For Crocodile Hunter's Death The al-Qaeda leader vowed to "continue to strike with righteous barbs into the oppressors' hearts."

Bush seems to be the only person who thinks that increasing the overall size of the US military is a good idea. And I think he's referring to the whole bunch, not solely a troop build-up in Iraq. I think I heard today that the Marines plan to increase their force by 7000, which is interesting, because last I heard, if people didn't meet the standards for the Corps, they simply weren't admitted; that the Corps would rather be smaller than compromise its standards. Does this mean that the Marines be lowering their entrance standards? By contrast, the Army does lower its standards if it needs more people (one of a zillion reasons the Marines look down on just about any branch of the military except their own). Even the Joint Chiefs of Staff oppose the military enlargement. For the love of God, when will Bush listen to people who know what they're talking about? I think Colin Powell even came out of his invisible space to comment on what a terrible idea that would be...

It would make that land uninhabitable (if they used nuclear weapons), which would prevent Palestinians from settling it, which is exactly Iran's complaint (that Palestinians should live there, not Israelis).

Report: Recent Wednesday Felt Like Thursday NEW YORK—An informal study of U.S. citizens has revealed that a recent Wednesday, specifically November 30, was intuitively and subliminally...

One of the many ridiculous quotes from Will Farrell's flick "Talledega Nights." "Borat" actor Sacha Baron Cohen practically steals the show, though, as the silly French race car driver who sips espresso and listens to classical music while racing. [Fred Astaire models old-fashioned "spats" over his shoes, which can look particularly dapper under the right circumstances]

I think that adding more troops in Iraq, even as a short-term attempt at a last-ditch triage-of-sorts, is a horrible idea because of its precedent in Vietnam. Troop build-up in Vietnam led to more American deaths and Vietnamese carnage. I don't see how it could possibly go well in Iraq. It is way too late for more troops. We needed more troops the minute we set foot in Baghdad, and I blame Rumsfeld for somehow failing to see that pretty obvious reality at the time. For shame! My dad is the light of my life. He just came in to say "goodnight," with a brief bow and a "Goodnight, Miss Galbraith." I don't know what I'll do without him. I just want to enjoy every minute I have with him. We're getting a cat! We met him today, and he is gorgeous! Dustin Hoffman in "Rain Man" reminds me a bit of Peter Sellers as Clouseau in "The Pink Panther."

a shot in the arm of intelligent commentary from New York Times columnists Thomas Friedman and David Brooks on the war in Iraq and the rapidly taking-shape presidential race. both very intelligent men whose opinions I respect. Iraq seems like a Rorschach test right now--each person sees something different when they look at it. i haven't yet heard a cohesive, clear analysis that sounds right, probably because information is so partial. Thousands More Dead In Continuing Iraq Victory President Bush said it was too early to call the continuing triumph in Iraq a "quagmire," even as the U.S. victory death-toll neared 3,000.

I'm currently watching Russert, on "Meet the Press," as he gently attacks/pokes and prods his guests. Newt Gingrich is up first, who is one of my least favorite talking heads. I swear it's always the alarmists who get interviewed on these armchair commentary shows, rather than folks who may have equally interesting and informed opinions but who aren't convinced that our demise is just around the corner. He does make the salient point that the Iraq war must not be perceived as Bush's war, which I think it already is. Bush is rapidly becoming his own island as his rhetoric and "leadership" moves further and further away from reality. It is increasingly difficult for even his closest supporters to nod their heads along with his bumbling policy. It is becoming easier to separate my mom's unhappiness from my own state of mind. I see it more as hers, not mine. I'm sorry that she's so unhappy, but it's not my unhappiness. In other Midd...

as my mom would say. It's a cold night here in Northern California, and I'm taking mom's advice. We seem to be zooming in on a cat to adopt; it takes my mom quite awhile to accept change, so it will still take some doing. our quasi-fake fire is blazing in the fireplace; it's one of those real-flame, fake-wood, gas-fueled fireplaces that are environmentally friendly but take all the fun out of having a fire. I'm watching "Larry King" while waiting for supper, and he's dragged on the usual assortment of experts, first-hand accounts, etc., and is using his customary disaster-in-progress voice to cover the Mount Hood hiking tragedy. It's funny how I come up with ways to fill empty time; I'm inspired to look over all of my finances, including credit card debt and the myriad student loans I have in preparation for beginning to pay them off when I get a job in June. It's so empowering to realize that my financial nightmare (another side effect ...

That's what Dr. Woodrow always says. I'm watching "Mission Impossible: III." The first two were pretty over-the-top, full of bravado, ridiculously so at times, but still entertaining. I don't like Cruise anymore; it's sad that my positive image of him has been ruined by his irrational behavior, but I'm still expecting some degree of engagement from this flick. He is nothing if not a perfectionist and hard worker. I have to say I love gadgets, though, especially in flicks like this one. The more ingenious and expensive-looking, the better. Either these kinds of things are absurd and only exist in films, or in real life they're even more expensive and more refined. Funny how Cruise always chooses little-known costars for the lead female role in his MI flicks, as if he doesn't want any big names to challenge his status. He chose the soft-spoken French actress Emmanuelle Béart for the first Mission Impossible; Thandie Newton for the second, a be...

Recovering alcoholics say that one drink is too many, and an entire bar full of alcohol would never be enough. I spent time last night researching sex predators on the internet (after watching a "Dateline NBC" special about internet sex predators), reading about torture online today, and I'm currently watching a documentary about a rape victim/survivor testifying against her attacker in court. I don't really know why; I'm just marvelling at the cruelty of the human experience, and how widespread it is. I'm planning to watch "Mission Impossible: III" as today's mindless entertainment, but I'm sure it will include violence, explosions, gunshots, and probably murder. What gives? I wish I had friends here to hang out with. So far, semester break has been a little isolating. I love my big IKEA bed, though, and firm mattress. Quite a cozy set-up. My dad is relaxing by the fire.

My dad just came upstairs to let me know that dinner will be ready shortly. He is so cute. Off to Trader Joe's; hopefully it won't be too crowded. I emailed two instructors about the Model UN class for next semester, but haven't heard back. It's a little frustrating, honestly.

[me at Christmas-time, many years ago. the stocking on the right is the one in which i was brought home from the hospital; the blanket on the left was one of my favorite childhood "blankies"] I spent the day in my pajamas (and wool coat, since my mom and I are always fighting over the temperature), watching a dog show, reading about torture on Wikipedia, persuading my mom to meet a new cat on Tuesday, and planning her birthday (we're going to see the English-language version of Molière's "Les Femmes Savantes" in Palo Alto after an early dinner). For my birthday, I'm leaning toward dinner at a nice French place in San Francisco. Something low-key. I just can't wait to get out into the world and start having my own life. Can't wait. There is so much out there that I want for myself. I've also rented "Mission Impossible III" and "The Road to Guantanamo," and "The Pink Panther" came in the mail from Netflix. I ...

Jonathan Swift's narrator in "A Tale of a Tub" says, "Last week I saw a woman flay’d, and you will hardly believe how much it alter'd her person for the worse". [wikipedia]

My main man. His star is on the rise; however, there is enough time before the primary that he may very well fall off his current pedestal, à la Howard Dean.

We should NOT engage the Mahdi Army in Iraq because we would fail. I don't believe it's possible to get rid of them altogether, and we'd kill so many civilians in the attempt that it's absolutely the wrong plan. Plus, people would pop up again in their place because there's plenty of hatred of us to go around. You cannot stamp out ideology by killing individuals, I don't think. Tonight I'm yearning for a normal life. A good job, love, friends, money in the bank, opportunity, etc.

The state of California legally and democratically recalled former Governor Gray Davis, so why can't Americans recall Bush via an organized, rational process? In my opinion, his irrational Iraq policy necessitates his removal from power. He has gone too far, done too much damaged, and continues to fail to recognize any of his errors. People on all sides are dying, and the US is bleeding resources better used on education, law enforcement, and healthcare. It's time to go "Bastille" on the White House! Show up with picks and shovels à la beginning of the French Revolution and get him out of there!

I like this guy very much. He was the head of NSA under Carter, and has had interesting things to say ever since. He was on Charlie Rose tonight, talking about Iraq and the Israeli-Palestinian conundrum. I think Winston Churchill's comment about the USSR also applies to the latter, "a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma." Anyway, I like Brzezinski because he has a good mind and a very reasoned, clear, un-cluttered by bias or propaganda way of looking at things. I also like the fact that his name has so many consonants in it.

If it wasn't so sick. I'm watching one of those "Dateline NBC" to-catch-a-predator specials, where they set up a fake house and scenario where real men come to the house expecting sex with a 13 year old girl they "met" online. So many men come to the house that they have to usher one out the front door while another arrives in the garage. My first reaction is that it's hilarious that these dreadful men walk into these embarrassing traps, but when I think about how incredibly common this sh*t is, it's too much to contemplate. Honestly, child molestation is so common that it's really hard for me not to believe that it's somehow hard-wired into the brain. Why else would it be so common, not just in our culture, but throughout the rest of the world as well? P.S. This particular episode takes place in Northern California, no less! Yikes. Apparently, Dateline works with an organization called "Perverted Justice," which lures predato...

there is nothing to do and no one to hang out with, and i have no money. it's going to be a long 5 weeks. there's never any food in the house, and it's always cold. nothing to look forward to; there's nothing worth watching on tv, i need to exercise but i can't get myself to. can't think of any jobs to apply to. PS--update from the 6:30pm hour (as they say on the silly local news)--there's nothing some take-and-bake pizza can't cure!

From the "Dixie Chicks" song. I feel ready for a big growth spurt; I can sense it in the offing. My techtonic plates are preparing to shift! It's not about looking beautiful, it's about expressing myself. Being self-centered is so unsatisfying, I can't even tell you. Definitely a closed system, an infinite loop. No good at all. “In the midst of winter, I discovered within myself an invincible summer.” -Albert Camus

So I went up to Stanford today, but just looked around, I was too upset and indecisive to buy anything affordable, and too worried about money and credit card debt to buy anything unaffordable. It's been a rougher transition coming home than I had expected it would be. I rented "Best in Show" tonight, and it was as funny as I remember. I miss having dormmates to watch movies with in the rec room. I heard from Lorien today, and miss her already. Not much else to report; I get a blood test tomorrow, my car serviced, and maybe a movie or something fun tomorrow night. This break is going to be a big shift for me, I think. I have a ton of stuff to digest from the past semester and year, and just plan to be really introspective. I'm thinking about applying for a catering job. Learning more about how not to try to fit my round life into a square hole--trying to be the person I was before the illness. I'm different, and older; I want to recognize who I am now an...

Christmas Brought To Iraq By Force BAGHDAD, IRAQ-On almost every corner in Iraq's capital city, carolers are singing, trees are being trimmed, and shoppers are rushing home with their packages-all under the watchful eye of U.S. troops dedicated to bringing the magic of Christmas to Iraq by force.

Things are pretty grim here at Galbraith Headquarters, I'm sorry to say, and I'm helpless to do anything about it, except become more and more independent, as I am. We've fallen on hard times, and there's not much of a bright outlook. My dad's Alzheimer's is progressing faster than I thought it would. My mom is overworked and quite unhappy. That's really it. I'm still thinking about a job, and I'll go use a gift certificate at Macy's today to get something nice. Maybe yoga later. I'm still getting my feet on the ground after a tumultuous semester. My mom's birthday is next week and I'm trying to plan something nice. We'll see. I'm trying to rise to the occasion, using my tools for living I've learned so much about this year.

I told you! I told you so! I told you so a long time ago! Don Rumsfeld is the Robert McNamara of our time!

I felt like Dorothy in the Land of Oz as I said goodbye to my friends at school today. Failed Attempt At Hyperbole Yields Dead-On Statistic TOANO, VA—In an unsuccessful attempt Wednesday to illustrate a point through exaggeration, high-school senior Abby Hollard accurately...

I'm leaving school today. I ate alone at the dining hall. Many people, friends of mine, are leaving and will not return. It makes me realize how strong the roots are that I put down here, and how fleeting it all is. It seems like change happens before I'm ready for it. I'm really excited to be going home, though. I really need a break from it all. Sleep, shopping, enjoying the holidays, exercising, reading, not worrying about what time it is or where I need to be, etc. Less structure, preferably none. I feel so relaxed right now, like there's no more pressure on my chest preventing me from breathing. The Last Thing America Needs Is Another President For as long as I can remember, this country has gotten itself all worked up every four years or so trying to pick just the right person to be in...

Barack Obama is receiving more attention than ever right now, as he weighs whether to run for candidacy for president. He is the untarnished breath of fresh air that the Democrats, and I think everyone at this point, is pining for. What I'm wondering is whether his charm, good looks, integrity, intelligence, and excellent speaking skills will usher in a new, post-Camelot era for the White House or whether he will be torn down from his pedestal the way Howard Dean was late in the run for Democratic candidate last time around.

dowses the world in wet weather. i love the sound of it outside my windowpane, rinsing, cleansing, refreshing the earth.

"The Onion" ranks the year's most important news items that never made it to the front page: Feb. 27: Iran gets universal health care March 19: A dog and a cat coexist peacefully in same bookstore April 14: Ashlee Simpson claims four dependents on tax returns April 22: Rupert Murdoch retreats to opulent estate after failure of personally financed opera starring his untrained wife Aug. 9: Small, boring genocide of only about 23,000 Africans Oct. 12: New law exempts owners of boats over 30 feet from paying taxes

I had two pretty close relationships this year, and I'm really proud of that. This has been my least-lonely year in a very long time. I have no choice but to tell my story and live my life as it unfolds. I have no control at all over who stays and who leaves. I'm just trying to do what's right and have the courage to be honest, at the risk of substantial amounts of rejection. I've learned a lot and feel much more loved. I always thought that people just repeated cycles of behavior over and over again, looking for whatever they're missing and not finding it. However, my experience is that I do find what I need, even if it doesn't last very long. It's like a quilt--I'm collecting pieces as I go and each time I feel more whole. My mistakes are smaller each time and less traumatic. Very good news. My cumulative accomplishments are getting bigger and my challenges smaller, or less insurmountable, I should say. I'm just going to forge ahead like...

Winter break is about to begin, I'll be leaving my friends from school and going home, where most of my old friends no longer live. All signs point toward some quality alone-time, and growth, which I'm dreading. I'm tired of processing pain. I'm just sick of it. And I regret the situation my family is in. The signal I'm getting most strongly is money--I want to earn money over break so I can have fun and pay off my credit cards and feel productive and gear up for getting a job after graduation. I've had enough of people for a little while, or at least of my interactions with them, and it's time to hibernate for a bit. And get my dad a cat! Five weeks is a very long time; I'm sure I'll feel restless toward the end. I think going down south will have to wait until January; my mom's birthday is soon and so is mine, plus traveling during the holidays can be terrible, plus I need some down-time to recover from the semester. And, I'd rea...

Only Guy Who Puts Paper In Copier Considers Himself A Hero BOSTON-Eric Greeley may very well be the only thing standing between an efficient work environment and total office anarchy.

i am tired of fighting. every now and then i give up, to fight another day. it's one of those surrender days, collapse days, hit-bottom-to-rebound days. "let down" is the cross i bear today, and bitter disappointment. i will think twice about letting others in now. i've had just enough disappointment to learn to be more cautious. i don't feel as starved for love as i once was. i'm becoming more whole; i can feel it. i am terribly fragile and ferociously strong at the same time. i have a lot of lessons to learn, but i'm learning them. and i'm proud of myself for it. i can't do a lot with the stuff i have no control over, but of the stuff i do have control over, i think i'm doing a pretty good job. i often berate myself, but the point is that while i'm not perfect, i've risen to the challenges given to me pretty well. i don't give myself enough credit. a lot of times i look for what i need from others, and i think i'm...

comforts me like nothing else. i can almost feel those days again as if they were right here. love and comfort; at the beginning and before it all. before the hurt[s]. i need that space today. it's time to go home. i've had enough lessons for quite awhile, and it's time to seek the shelter of those who love me. i am going to make it in this world, it's just going to take some doing because of all the setbacks. i'm equal to the challenge, though, and always have been. i don't even feel like going to dinner tonight. i just want to get this paper done, spend time with my friends, and go home. pain turns me inward, and i suppose that's where i need to be. i don't deserve these struggles and this suffering. i did not ask for it, but it's my cross to bear anyway, an invisible one that no one will ever completely understand. i don't deserve this. i am so tired of fighting. tired of rejection and all the rest of it. i don't even unders...

I've written a few pages for my essay, but no thesis yet. Everytime I think something is coming together, it falls apart with new information. We're going to Fenton's for ice cream later, which should be a nice study break. It's raining really hard! I have a fundamental loneliness that gnaws at my insides, and screams like a banshee at night. Must deal with that somehow.

My insecurities feed on my fear like leeches. In close relationships it's astonishing how insecure I can get. Fear in the pit of my stomach, terror at the thought of being left behind. As soon as I "let someone in," I suddenly become susceptible to lots of fears and insecurities. I guess that's normal, huh? I'm also having an "off" day, mood-wise, which is a piece of it. Somewhere between sleep deprivation and restfulness lies awkward mood territory. I'm just trying to stay true to myself and not get caught up in other people's constellations, which is new, as well. Not abandoning myself, not jumping off my own ship, because that always spells disaster. Keeping my life intact and letting others come and go as they please. That's huge. Feeling the fear but doing it anyway; allowing life to happen. It's pretty healthy, I suppose. I want to be able to deal with all those fears and shutting myself out of closeness disallows me fro...

The Saudi royal family!

There simply isn't anything in the world like the healing power of love. Nothing at all. The sunlight of the spirit warms you through and through.

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes. 2. CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down because it's too gross to throw away yourself, even if it means that the vacuum won't get it. 3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confection (candy) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs. 4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people quasi-politely maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater or on an airplane. 5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until she finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug. 6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay...

yuck. i just had a small package of red vines. disgusting. there isn't a single ingredient in them that belongs in the human body. it's not my fault the silly vending machine was out of m and m's!

Vatican Employees Unable To Relax At Holiday Party With Pope Around VATICAN CITY—According to various cardinals and nuns attending the Vatican's holiday party last night, festivities were made awkward by the...

Boyfriend Ready To Take Relationship To Previous Level COLUMBIA, SC—"I can tell by the look in her eyes—that loving, longing gaze—that I must act now before I miss my chance," boyfriend Matthew Sullivan said.

Supreme Court Makes Pact To Lose Virginity By End Of Year WASHINGTON, DC-By an 8-1 vote Monday, the members of the U.S. Supreme Court collectively resolved to lose their virginity by Dec. 31, 2002.