Music From My Childhood

comforts me like nothing else. i can almost feel those days again as if they were right here. love and comfort; at the beginning and before it all. before the hurt[s]. i need that space today.

it's time to go home. i've had enough lessons for quite awhile, and it's time to seek the shelter of those who love me. i am going to make it in this world, it's just going to take some doing because of all the setbacks. i'm equal to the challenge, though, and always have been.

i don't even feel like going to dinner tonight. i just want to get this paper done, spend time with my friends, and go home. pain turns me inward, and i suppose that's where i need to be.

i don't deserve these struggles and this suffering. i did not ask for it, but it's my cross to bear anyway, an invisible one that no one will ever completely understand. i don't deserve this. i am so tired of fighting. tired of rejection and all the rest of it. i don't even understand what i'm doing wrong--choosing the wrong people? is it something i'm doing? darned if i know. i don't want to keep making the same mistakes.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

We Are Human

it's how we deal with it that matters. had a long talk over lunch with misrak about racism. she has a lot to say, and a lot to deal with. she talked about the appalling attitude of a woman she recently worked with. it's very eye-opening to hear "the other side of the story," i.e. a person of color talking about being on the receiving end of racism. it's heartbreaking and horrifying, and an education in itself. lots of work remains to be done.
Read more

The Clear Light of Day

my mom helped me put a piece of the puzzle into place today. it's all about clarity; and the more clearly i see it for what it really is, the more able i am to let go of it. we had talked about abuse and repeating behavior patterns, etc., and agreed that we were both committed to doing things differently. the abuse began to sneak in, though, and i can see that sh*t coming a mile away and knew exactly what it was when it hit. and, i didn't believe it. in retrospect, that's what it was. a kink in her operating system she wasn't dealing with. automatic danger. it's one thing if folks are prepared to deal with all of their stuff, but if they're in denial about anything, it's just going to get larger and larger until something is done. it was always going to go in just one direction. the signs were there. there really is such a thing as "too good to be true." if that's "too good to be true," then what's the real deal? where
Read more

Trimming the Fat

weeding through my entire blog--there are almost 1400 posts! quality over quantity; getting rid of stuff that seems irrelevent or misplaced or superfluous or otherwise dissatisfactory. saw a great documentary on the History Channel today about Hitler's family. turns out there are still a few living in the US! they've also had a good series on the SS, but, most importantly, tomorrow night they start the entire " Band of Brothers " series! i never tire of watching it. literally! i'm 15 pounds lighter with muscle to boot. can't believe it. cutting sugar and flour really works. started bob tonight, just love it. i'd like to get the soundtrack. dentist on friday. i'd like to get my blog to about 1000 posts. quite time consuming. turning in is the answer, not out. growth, expansion, new life. it's about time. i am so stale, and i can hardly breathe in here. the window hasn't been open for ages, and i cannot feel fresh air on my face or see the out
Read more