Don't Call Me "Rocky"

i am tired of fighting. every now and then i give up, to fight another day. it's one of those surrender days, collapse days, hit-bottom-to-rebound days. "let down" is the cross i bear today, and bitter disappointment. i will think twice about letting others in now. i've had just enough disappointment to learn to be more cautious.

i don't feel as starved for love as i once was. i'm becoming more whole; i can feel it. i am terribly fragile and ferociously strong at the same time. i have a lot of lessons to learn, but i'm learning them. and i'm proud of myself for it. i can't do a lot with the stuff i have no control over, but of the stuff i do have control over, i think i'm doing a pretty good job. i often berate myself, but the point is that while i'm not perfect, i've risen to the challenges given to me pretty well. i don't give myself enough credit. a lot of times i look for what i need from others, and i think i'm going to have to start finding it in myself. that's the ultimate strength. not total self-reliance, because i don't believe in that, either, but more belief in myself will fuel my engine quite nicely, i predict. well, i know that from experience. it is possible to learn from pain and do things differently.

today's lesson: what others think of me does not define me. first impressions are worth a lot. once again, it's worth trusting my gut instinct. i always feel better when i do. what others think does not change who i am. disappointment is part of life, but i will love and be loved again; i've lived long enough to have total faith in that.

on the other hand, i'm in a lot of pain, and no rationalizing is going to change that. only time.

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