A New Leaf

I had two pretty close relationships this year, and I'm really proud of that. This has been my least-lonely year in a very long time. I have no choice but to tell my story and live my life as it unfolds. I have no control at all over who stays and who leaves. I'm just trying to do what's right and have the courage to be honest, at the risk of substantial amounts of rejection.

I've learned a lot and feel much more loved. I always thought that people just repeated cycles of behavior over and over again, looking for whatever they're missing and not finding it. However, my experience is that I do find what I need, even if it doesn't last very long. It's like a quilt--I'm collecting pieces as I go and each time I feel more whole. My mistakes are smaller each time and less traumatic. Very good news. My cumulative accomplishments are getting bigger and my challenges smaller, or less insurmountable, I should say.

I'm just going to forge ahead like I always do. It's funny how at the end of a relationship I feel freer to be me. Must come from my trying to please the other person too much, or get their approval, or feeling constrained. That's something else I've learned about myself--I seek approval from others too much. I don't want to do that anymore.

I am going to be me, and that's the beginning and the end of it.

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