Horrible-scopes
"The Onion's" Astrological Predictions For 2007:
Aries: You will be reunited with a long-lost love as soon as the last of the snow melts away in March. [huh?]
Taurus: After years of wandering purposefully through life, a chance encounter this April will at last restore your faith in mere coincidences.
Gemini: As upset as you'll be over breaking your New Year's resolution, it will ultimately pale in comparison to how friends and family members of your victims will feel.
Cancer: 2007 might finally be the year when you take your life into your own hands and begin doing something proactive about your future. Keep checking back here to see if that's indeed the case.
Virgo: The next six months will be a time of great inner growth for you—but then any certified oncologist could have told you that.
Libra: Learn to focus on the positives this year, instead of just dwelling on January, February, March, April, May, June, July, August, September, November, and December.
Scorpio: This year will mark the 30th anniversary of Star Wars, so there's really little point in speculating what it will hold for you.
Sagittarius: Travel will be at the top of your list in 2007, as you desperately bounce from one heart specialist to the next in hopes of some sort of treatment.
Capricorn: Marriage will feature prominently in your life during the first half of 2007, while hope and an opportune flight of stairs will feature prominently in your life during the second half.
Aquarius: All your questions about the coming year will be answered moments after the purchase of a 2007 desk calendar.
Pisces: The New Year will start out with a bang for you. Unfortunately, it will also end with a bang for you.
[I deleted "Leo" because it was potentially offensive]
Aries: You will be reunited with a long-lost love as soon as the last of the snow melts away in March. [huh?]
Taurus: After years of wandering purposefully through life, a chance encounter this April will at last restore your faith in mere coincidences.
Gemini: As upset as you'll be over breaking your New Year's resolution, it will ultimately pale in comparison to how friends and family members of your victims will feel.
Cancer: 2007 might finally be the year when you take your life into your own hands and begin doing something proactive about your future. Keep checking back here to see if that's indeed the case.
Virgo: The next six months will be a time of great inner growth for you—but then any certified oncologist could have told you that.
Libra: Learn to focus on the positives this year, instead of just dwelling on January, February, March, April, May, June, July, August, September, November, and December.
Scorpio: This year will mark the 30th anniversary of Star Wars, so there's really little point in speculating what it will hold for you.
Sagittarius: Travel will be at the top of your list in 2007, as you desperately bounce from one heart specialist to the next in hopes of some sort of treatment.
Capricorn: Marriage will feature prominently in your life during the first half of 2007, while hope and an opportune flight of stairs will feature prominently in your life during the second half.
Aquarius: All your questions about the coming year will be answered moments after the purchase of a 2007 desk calendar.
Pisces: The New Year will start out with a bang for you. Unfortunately, it will also end with a bang for you.
[I deleted "Leo" because it was potentially offensive]
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