A Parasitical Couple of Days
My insecurities feed on my fear like leeches. In close relationships it's astonishing how insecure I can get. Fear in the pit of my stomach, terror at the thought of being left behind. As soon as I "let someone in," I suddenly become susceptible to lots of fears and insecurities. I guess that's normal, huh? I'm also having an "off" day, mood-wise, which is a piece of it. Somewhere between sleep deprivation and restfulness lies awkward mood territory. I'm just trying to stay true to myself and not get caught up in other people's constellations, which is new, as well. Not abandoning myself, not jumping off my own ship, because that always spells disaster. Keeping my life intact and letting others come and go as they please. That's huge. Feeling the fear but doing it anyway; allowing life to happen.
It's pretty healthy, I suppose. I want to be able to deal with all those fears and shutting myself out of closeness disallows me from doing so. That's why I'm trying to just sit tight and let the fear and insecurities happen. Maybe they'll go away if I do that. I'm not running away or tinkering with the system too much, which is progress.
It's really about self-esteem for me, too. I'm so afraid that at the bottom I'm a fundamentally bad or unlikable person, or that I always behave in unlikable ways. That probably isn't the case, but this is the type of stuff I'm dealing with. I'm frightened to let anyone like me because I'm sure I'll prove them wrong. I have complexes about talking too much about myself, not being a good listener or conversationalist, etc. That takes time and energy away from life and love, which is where my focus should (and will) be. I always feel like I have control over what others think, and that's pretty much an illusion. I'm tired of tinkering with my image and being my own PR agent, in a sense. I really want to let go of that and focus more on what I think of myself, rather than what others think.
It's pretty healthy, I suppose. I want to be able to deal with all those fears and shutting myself out of closeness disallows me from doing so. That's why I'm trying to just sit tight and let the fear and insecurities happen. Maybe they'll go away if I do that. I'm not running away or tinkering with the system too much, which is progress.
It's really about self-esteem for me, too. I'm so afraid that at the bottom I'm a fundamentally bad or unlikable person, or that I always behave in unlikable ways. That probably isn't the case, but this is the type of stuff I'm dealing with. I'm frightened to let anyone like me because I'm sure I'll prove them wrong. I have complexes about talking too much about myself, not being a good listener or conversationalist, etc. That takes time and energy away from life and love, which is where my focus should (and will) be. I always feel like I have control over what others think, and that's pretty much an illusion. I'm tired of tinkering with my image and being my own PR agent, in a sense. I really want to let go of that and focus more on what I think of myself, rather than what others think.
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