A Parasitical Couple of Days

My insecurities feed on my fear like leeches. In close relationships it's astonishing how insecure I can get. Fear in the pit of my stomach, terror at the thought of being left behind. As soon as I "let someone in," I suddenly become susceptible to lots of fears and insecurities. I guess that's normal, huh? I'm also having an "off" day, mood-wise, which is a piece of it. Somewhere between sleep deprivation and restfulness lies awkward mood territory. I'm just trying to stay true to myself and not get caught up in other people's constellations, which is new, as well. Not abandoning myself, not jumping off my own ship, because that always spells disaster. Keeping my life intact and letting others come and go as they please. That's huge. Feeling the fear but doing it anyway; allowing life to happen.

It's pretty healthy, I suppose. I want to be able to deal with all those fears and shutting myself out of closeness disallows me from doing so. That's why I'm trying to just sit tight and let the fear and insecurities happen. Maybe they'll go away if I do that. I'm not running away or tinkering with the system too much, which is progress.

It's really about self-esteem for me, too. I'm so afraid that at the bottom I'm a fundamentally bad or unlikable person, or that I always behave in unlikable ways. That probably isn't the case, but this is the type of stuff I'm dealing with. I'm frightened to let anyone like me because I'm sure I'll prove them wrong. I have complexes about talking too much about myself, not being a good listener or conversationalist, etc. That takes time and energy away from life and love, which is where my focus should (and will) be. I always feel like I have control over what others think, and that's pretty much an illusion. I'm tired of tinkering with my image and being my own PR agent, in a sense. I really want to let go of that and focus more on what I think of myself, rather than what others think.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Trimming the Fat

weeding through my entire blog--there are almost 1400 posts! quality over quantity; getting rid of stuff that seems irrelevent or misplaced or superfluous or otherwise dissatisfactory. saw a great documentary on the History Channel today about Hitler's family. turns out there are still a few living in the US! they've also had a good series on the SS, but, most importantly, tomorrow night they start the entire " Band of Brothers " series! i never tire of watching it. literally! i'm 15 pounds lighter with muscle to boot. can't believe it. cutting sugar and flour really works. started bob tonight, just love it. i'd like to get the soundtrack. dentist on friday. i'd like to get my blog to about 1000 posts. quite time consuming. turning in is the answer, not out. growth, expansion, new life. it's about time. i am so stale, and i can hardly breathe in here. the window hasn't been open for ages, and i cannot feel fresh air on my face or see the out...
Read more

We Are Human

it's how we deal with it that matters. had a long talk over lunch with misrak about racism. she has a lot to say, and a lot to deal with. she talked about the appalling attitude of a woman she recently worked with. it's very eye-opening to hear "the other side of the story," i.e. a person of color talking about being on the receiving end of racism. it's heartbreaking and horrifying, and an education in itself. lots of work remains to be done.
Read more

The Clear Light of Day

my mom helped me put a piece of the puzzle into place today. it's all about clarity; and the more clearly i see it for what it really is, the more able i am to let go of it. we had talked about abuse and repeating behavior patterns, etc., and agreed that we were both committed to doing things differently. the abuse began to sneak in, though, and i can see that sh*t coming a mile away and knew exactly what it was when it hit. and, i didn't believe it. in retrospect, that's what it was. a kink in her operating system she wasn't dealing with. automatic danger. it's one thing if folks are prepared to deal with all of their stuff, but if they're in denial about anything, it's just going to get larger and larger until something is done. it was always going to go in just one direction. the signs were there. there really is such a thing as "too good to be true." if that's "too good to be true," then what's the real deal? where...
Read more