The Blindness of Anger, the Madness of Rage
maybe it's time to start talking about my anger.
it's frightening the change in perspective--pre-outburst versus post-outburst.
pre-outburst i'm so enraged that i'll want to destroy anything within range, physically, verbally, or otherwise. sometimes i literally can't see for split seconds when i get mad, but i haven't been that mad in a long, long time.
post-outburst, once i've injured someone (verbally) or something (physically), i feel terribly about it. it's like i regain my sanity and perspective and become sensitive to what i've done. then the regret and remorse come.
it's funny how the two states are mutually exclusive, polar opposites, in a sense. in one state i literally cannot imagine what the other state is like.
how to bridge the gap--i don't know if it's a question of simply not getting as angry--but i don't believe in suppressing emotion--or how to handle it better.
i'm learning--i've always known, but i keep getting reminded--that lashing out at other people is wrong. i don't need a reminder about that, i just have to remember how wretched i feel when i've hurt someone.
i think awareness is the beginning, followed by willingness. i've been aware, and now i'm willing.
when i do something physical--like breaking a phone or putting my foot through a door--i feel a release instantly. it's so weird--the anger absolutely vanishes. i feel "exorcised" of it, if you will. luckily, i've never hurt anyone physically and don't feel capable of it. maybe i should be subconsciously aware of objects that are OK to break ahead of time...?
but there's also the issue of why i get so angry. not everybody does, i don't think.
"backed up anger," the good doctor calls it. hmmm....
it's frightening the change in perspective--pre-outburst versus post-outburst.
pre-outburst i'm so enraged that i'll want to destroy anything within range, physically, verbally, or otherwise. sometimes i literally can't see for split seconds when i get mad, but i haven't been that mad in a long, long time.
post-outburst, once i've injured someone (verbally) or something (physically), i feel terribly about it. it's like i regain my sanity and perspective and become sensitive to what i've done. then the regret and remorse come.
it's funny how the two states are mutually exclusive, polar opposites, in a sense. in one state i literally cannot imagine what the other state is like.
how to bridge the gap--i don't know if it's a question of simply not getting as angry--but i don't believe in suppressing emotion--or how to handle it better.
i'm learning--i've always known, but i keep getting reminded--that lashing out at other people is wrong. i don't need a reminder about that, i just have to remember how wretched i feel when i've hurt someone.
i think awareness is the beginning, followed by willingness. i've been aware, and now i'm willing.
when i do something physical--like breaking a phone or putting my foot through a door--i feel a release instantly. it's so weird--the anger absolutely vanishes. i feel "exorcised" of it, if you will. luckily, i've never hurt anyone physically and don't feel capable of it. maybe i should be subconsciously aware of objects that are OK to break ahead of time...?
but there's also the issue of why i get so angry. not everybody does, i don't think.
"backed up anger," the good doctor calls it. hmmm....
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