This is a Pattern for Me
and it's about me, and no one else. it's funny how focusing on myself in the right ways makes me less self-centered in the wrong ways. i just know that i want to be whole. period. and not cause damage in anyone's life.
i tend to latch onto certain people, obsess about them, and fall to pieces when it doesn't work out the way i wanted it to (michael, sami, nate, tim, dan (2 dan's!)...). it's a deeply-set pattern that i finally want to deal with and get past. i've tried to address it for years unsuccessfully.
i have a huge sense of abandonment, and the feeling that i will die if people leave me, like the rug is being pulled out from under me.
i don't like this tyrannical cycle, and i'd like to be able to break out of it. i just know that everyone who reads this blog loves me and is rooting for me, and that means the world.
i feel like it comes from the fact that i'm not whole. if i was (were?) whole, i wouldn't need people at such a fundamental level.
and i'm not talking about not needing love. that's not it. everybody needs love and most people have it, and most people can handle it in a realistic, adult way.
this is different. when brian died and i went in for grief counseling, the counselor said she heard me grieving at an "infantile level." brian fed me on a level i'd never known before, and i could not bear it when he died--like i wouldn't survive, either. i remember standing at his coffin when the service was over, tears streaming down my face, shaking, pleading with him to come back. why was he leaving me? the sun left the sky that day and the earth grew cold.
there was something about his love. others grieved the way i did. he attracted people who needed his kind of love and illuminated them so their lives caught fire as well. i shriveled up when he died, but i've lived to share it with others. his best friend's sobs at the funeral made me want to die, they were so gut-wrenching. i started crying all over again when i heard them, thinking to myself that those two were never, ever meant to be separated. it's that heart-torn-out-of-my-chest feeling that is bringing all this up again.
this means to me that i am needy and unwhole at the deepest level. i suspect this is why i come so completely undone at such a fundamental level; why i latch onto certain people in very particular ways and can't stand on my own when i'm around them or when i sense they are pulling away. is it a survival mechanism?
i am way too prone to what others think, and tend to put on a performance according to how they react to make sure they'll like me. yikes. then i feel like the only time i'm myself is when i'm alone, and how sad, because i am probably my most likable when no one is watching, when i'm not "trying."
i don't like it, but i don't know what to do about it. i need to explore where this all comes from, because it's about me, and not about the other person.
the way i perceive things is my reality, and that perception is what must be dealt with. i like to tell others that feelings are always real, but i doubt that's true for me sometimes. i don't know what is real and what isn't. should i simply trust that all my feelings are real and legitimate? what if other people don't think so? what if my feelings hurt someone else? are they not legitimate anymore? if someone else is upset, is it my stuff or theirs?
i'm clearly acting something out here, and i'd rather recognize it for what it is and not act it out, which perpetuates it. i've definitely been in this place before. yuck.
i feel a little bit better. maybe i should focus more on my feelings, rather than other people's actions.
i can be very insensitive. i know it. i know i can be incredibly obtuse and ignorant, and i hate it. i don't want to be that way.
why do i fixate on certain people? why is it not a problem until i sense them pulling away? why do i become obsessed at that point, absolutely petrified that they will leave, that i have to pay attention to every single micromovement, facial expression, tone of voice, word spoken, etc., until i finally drive them away? what is that about? self-preservation?
i am unwhole and entirely too subject to what others think. i don't like that. it's like my sense of self-efficacy belongs to others, as if my anchor isn't beneath me but is inside of them. i feel pulled apart and unwhole, un-centered and scattered; too externally focused.
i know well-adjusted people who do not seem to have this deep-seated conflict. i don't know how they do it or what i am missing. what do i need to hear? feel? realize? be taught? where does the healing begin?
i tend to latch onto certain people, obsess about them, and fall to pieces when it doesn't work out the way i wanted it to (michael, sami, nate, tim, dan (2 dan's!)...). it's a deeply-set pattern that i finally want to deal with and get past. i've tried to address it for years unsuccessfully.
i have a huge sense of abandonment, and the feeling that i will die if people leave me, like the rug is being pulled out from under me.
i don't like this tyrannical cycle, and i'd like to be able to break out of it. i just know that everyone who reads this blog loves me and is rooting for me, and that means the world.
i feel like it comes from the fact that i'm not whole. if i was (were?) whole, i wouldn't need people at such a fundamental level.
and i'm not talking about not needing love. that's not it. everybody needs love and most people have it, and most people can handle it in a realistic, adult way.
this is different. when brian died and i went in for grief counseling, the counselor said she heard me grieving at an "infantile level." brian fed me on a level i'd never known before, and i could not bear it when he died--like i wouldn't survive, either. i remember standing at his coffin when the service was over, tears streaming down my face, shaking, pleading with him to come back. why was he leaving me? the sun left the sky that day and the earth grew cold.
there was something about his love. others grieved the way i did. he attracted people who needed his kind of love and illuminated them so their lives caught fire as well. i shriveled up when he died, but i've lived to share it with others. his best friend's sobs at the funeral made me want to die, they were so gut-wrenching. i started crying all over again when i heard them, thinking to myself that those two were never, ever meant to be separated. it's that heart-torn-out-of-my-chest feeling that is bringing all this up again.
this means to me that i am needy and unwhole at the deepest level. i suspect this is why i come so completely undone at such a fundamental level; why i latch onto certain people in very particular ways and can't stand on my own when i'm around them or when i sense they are pulling away. is it a survival mechanism?
i am way too prone to what others think, and tend to put on a performance according to how they react to make sure they'll like me. yikes. then i feel like the only time i'm myself is when i'm alone, and how sad, because i am probably my most likable when no one is watching, when i'm not "trying."
i don't like it, but i don't know what to do about it. i need to explore where this all comes from, because it's about me, and not about the other person.
the way i perceive things is my reality, and that perception is what must be dealt with. i like to tell others that feelings are always real, but i doubt that's true for me sometimes. i don't know what is real and what isn't. should i simply trust that all my feelings are real and legitimate? what if other people don't think so? what if my feelings hurt someone else? are they not legitimate anymore? if someone else is upset, is it my stuff or theirs?
i'm clearly acting something out here, and i'd rather recognize it for what it is and not act it out, which perpetuates it. i've definitely been in this place before. yuck.
i feel a little bit better. maybe i should focus more on my feelings, rather than other people's actions.
i can be very insensitive. i know it. i know i can be incredibly obtuse and ignorant, and i hate it. i don't want to be that way.
why do i fixate on certain people? why is it not a problem until i sense them pulling away? why do i become obsessed at that point, absolutely petrified that they will leave, that i have to pay attention to every single micromovement, facial expression, tone of voice, word spoken, etc., until i finally drive them away? what is that about? self-preservation?
i am unwhole and entirely too subject to what others think. i don't like that. it's like my sense of self-efficacy belongs to others, as if my anchor isn't beneath me but is inside of them. i feel pulled apart and unwhole, un-centered and scattered; too externally focused.
i know well-adjusted people who do not seem to have this deep-seated conflict. i don't know how they do it or what i am missing. what do i need to hear? feel? realize? be taught? where does the healing begin?
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