Returning to the Scene of the Crime
so to speak. Pomona almost seemed like a luxurious wonderland to me when i visited yesterday, given where i've been since leaving.
i cannot believe what privilege i enjoyed back then and how i had no idea of it. i was just so completely miserable; i could not see any of the colors on the campus, the beautiful old buildings with character to them, etc. the whole thing was just so bland through my diseased eyes. it looked so beautiful yesterday.
all i could think about was how i did not want to be there. all i've thought about since is how i'd give anything to have been there without the illness, how being at a good school like that one, even though it's not really what i wanted, is so much better than being mentally ill for years and years with no social life and living at home which is exactly the last place in the world i wanted to be. honestly. in comparison, pomona looked like paradise.
when i left pomona, i had no idea what lay in store. looking back, i miss all my friends and the experiences i had, even though i was so miserable and lost at the time it all seemed like one big surreal nightmare, like i was sinking in quicksand with no way out. it's taken me this long--8 years--to be able to go back to the campus. that's a long time.
south campus looked the same, but north campus had so much construction going on i hardly recognized it. my freshman year dorm, "Smiley," had fencing around it and i hope they're not going to destroy it. i passed the first-floor windows, remembering how the rooms looked like from the inside, all the memories of my sponsor group who lived on the first floor with me; being a freshman, what that felt like, the first friends i made at pomona--alex and dana and smark and anu and melinda and jackie and steph and david and angel. gosh, those were heady days. i was so completely miserable to be there. looking back, i'd give anything for it.
they gave us such a thorough orientation; it was overwhelming and all i could think about was how i didn't want to be there and the school meant nothing to me.
i cannot believe what privilege i enjoyed back then and how i had no idea of it. i was just so completely miserable; i could not see any of the colors on the campus, the beautiful old buildings with character to them, etc. the whole thing was just so bland through my diseased eyes. it looked so beautiful yesterday.
all i could think about was how i did not want to be there. all i've thought about since is how i'd give anything to have been there without the illness, how being at a good school like that one, even though it's not really what i wanted, is so much better than being mentally ill for years and years with no social life and living at home which is exactly the last place in the world i wanted to be. honestly. in comparison, pomona looked like paradise.
when i left pomona, i had no idea what lay in store. looking back, i miss all my friends and the experiences i had, even though i was so miserable and lost at the time it all seemed like one big surreal nightmare, like i was sinking in quicksand with no way out. it's taken me this long--8 years--to be able to go back to the campus. that's a long time.
south campus looked the same, but north campus had so much construction going on i hardly recognized it. my freshman year dorm, "Smiley," had fencing around it and i hope they're not going to destroy it. i passed the first-floor windows, remembering how the rooms looked like from the inside, all the memories of my sponsor group who lived on the first floor with me; being a freshman, what that felt like, the first friends i made at pomona--alex and dana and smark and anu and melinda and jackie and steph and david and angel. gosh, those were heady days. i was so completely miserable to be there. looking back, i'd give anything for it.
they gave us such a thorough orientation; it was overwhelming and all i could think about was how i didn't want to be there and the school meant nothing to me.
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