Feet, Not Boots, on the Ground
if i can just hang in long enough to figure out what's going on, i stand a chance of healing.
risking losing other people is the price i pay to do that.
i was not trying to make you worry about me. i would never do that.
sometimes i have to make mistakes in order to heal. hurting others is never ok, which is why i didn't want to say anything last night.
if i can unlock what's bothering me, figure out what the root of my behavior is, then i have won one small inner struggle. that is where the hope comes from.
i know i might have lost you, caused irreparable damage to our relationship, or forever changed the way you look at me. there is sh*t i wasn't going to learn any other way. i wanted to work through what i was feeling before i said anything, and i'm sorry i could not have said as much.
i know i might have lost you, caused irreparable damage to our relationship, or forever changed the way you look at me. that scares me, especially since it's such a pattern for me. the point is that i'm willing to learn from it this time. here i am, on my knees again, but refusing to beg. i will not. i no longer want to do anything that makes me fall to my knees and beg others not to leave, to give me one more chance. i want to do it differently and not live at the mercy of others' forgiveness and "tolerance."
there is no preparation for hurt. when the axe falls, the blood runs. i cannot intellectualize it away. that may happen this time. i may shatter, but i will come back together. the whole summer could be ruined, but i would find a way to recover. i could be left alone again, but it wouldn't last. i've been there before, i can be there again.
i sabotage others away. i behave as badly as possible to live up to my belief that i am hatable and ugly. i am re-living something that needs to be re-lived in order to heal; at least i hope that's what it is.
the axe may fall. i know that. i am prepared and bracing myself. as long as i find a way to stop repeating patterns, as long as i find a new way to live. as long as i learn how to stop hurting others. as long.
i refuse to get on my knees. no loss of dignity this time around. accepting responsibility and growing up is the easier, softer way.
i get disgust, sometimes, too, which is ironic, since others look at me in the exact same way in which i've sometimes looked at my mom. i no longer wish to be at the mercy of subconscious patterns of behavior that i've been carrying with me all this time, with no way to heal. i've found a way, now, even though it may have cost me dearly. i've unlocked one of my biggest secrets.
risking losing other people is the price i pay to do that.
i was not trying to make you worry about me. i would never do that.
sometimes i have to make mistakes in order to heal. hurting others is never ok, which is why i didn't want to say anything last night.
if i can unlock what's bothering me, figure out what the root of my behavior is, then i have won one small inner struggle. that is where the hope comes from.
i know i might have lost you, caused irreparable damage to our relationship, or forever changed the way you look at me. there is sh*t i wasn't going to learn any other way. i wanted to work through what i was feeling before i said anything, and i'm sorry i could not have said as much.
i know i might have lost you, caused irreparable damage to our relationship, or forever changed the way you look at me. that scares me, especially since it's such a pattern for me. the point is that i'm willing to learn from it this time. here i am, on my knees again, but refusing to beg. i will not. i no longer want to do anything that makes me fall to my knees and beg others not to leave, to give me one more chance. i want to do it differently and not live at the mercy of others' forgiveness and "tolerance."
there is no preparation for hurt. when the axe falls, the blood runs. i cannot intellectualize it away. that may happen this time. i may shatter, but i will come back together. the whole summer could be ruined, but i would find a way to recover. i could be left alone again, but it wouldn't last. i've been there before, i can be there again.
i sabotage others away. i behave as badly as possible to live up to my belief that i am hatable and ugly. i am re-living something that needs to be re-lived in order to heal; at least i hope that's what it is.
the axe may fall. i know that. i am prepared and bracing myself. as long as i find a way to stop repeating patterns, as long as i find a new way to live. as long as i learn how to stop hurting others. as long.
i refuse to get on my knees. no loss of dignity this time around. accepting responsibility and growing up is the easier, softer way.
i get disgust, sometimes, too, which is ironic, since others look at me in the exact same way in which i've sometimes looked at my mom. i no longer wish to be at the mercy of subconscious patterns of behavior that i've been carrying with me all this time, with no way to heal. i've found a way, now, even though it may have cost me dearly. i've unlocked one of my biggest secrets.
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