Long Time Gone

My cousin Pam and I were reminiscing yesterday about holidays when we were kids. We usually had a kids table, with Pam, Alicia, Eddy, Mike, and myself. It could get really boring, what with all the grown ups around, so we'd think of ways to amuse ourselves. One game we played was to choose a particular adult--say Uncle Art, for example. Whenever he took a drink of his beverage, we would all take drinks from ours, too. I don't think they ever noticed, unless we burst out laughing and caused a commotion.

my inner English major needs to be fed. line is from the film "Hannibal," score by Hans Zimmer (Hollywood's Anti-John Williams).

From "West Side Story." i'm starting to feel one more level of attractiveness; wearing jewelry, trying to figure out what to do with my hair, spending more time on my appearance, etc. one more level of recovery from the illness, taking more pride in my appearance, appreciating me for who i am in ways i never have before.

"Digital Journal Presents: 10 Rebels With a Cause — Stephen Colbert" "Maybe it’s the easily arching eyebrow or the deadpan delivery. It could be terms like “truthiness,” which he coined and was later canonized by the American Dialect Society as its 2005 Word of the Year. Stephen Colbert deserves the applause — he broke away from The Daily Show with Jon Stewart to star in his own self-titled show, acting as a Bill O’Reilly-esque anchor who is apt to ask his liberal guests: 'Why do you enjoy hurting America?'"...

"Appearance on Comedy Show No Laughing Matter for Lamont" U.S. Senate candidate Ned Lamont has used humor effectively against his opponent, saying too much Joe Lieberman is bad for your health...He'll need good material tomorrow when he appears on "The Colbert Report" with its politically irreverent host, Stephen Colbert... [Stamford Advocate] "Lamont Plays It Straight on Comedy Show" If Ned Lamont wasn't sure what to expect from last night's interview with Comedy Central's satirical conservative pundit Stephen Colbert, he found out as the host announced the show's lineup, "I talk to Connecticut Democratic Senate hopeful Ned Lamont about how he's destroying the Democratic Party," Colbert said as his show -- "The Colbert Report" -- began taping... [same] "Colbert's Offer Fails to Lure Lieberman onto TV Show" In Tuesday night's broadcast of Comedy Central's "Colbert Report," host Ste...

My mom shared a classic Vladimir story today. Many years ago, she and my dad and vlad and his wife barbie flew in my dad's plane up to vancouver, canada. they were delayed, so by the time they got to the airport, it was closed. Luckily, a couple of the air traffic guys had stayed behind just for them. they had also turned off all of the lights on the runway, so my dad could not see where he was supposed to land. Remember that in radio communications, "roger" is how you respond when you've understood what the other person said. Recognizing the problem about the runway lights, Vladimir, from the back seat, boomed in his deep russian voice, "are we going to talk to Roger?" which made perfect sense, since whenever you talk to air traffic control, you say "Roger." Sure enough, my dad radioed in a request for a landing light, and the guys turned on EVERY SINGLE RUNWAY LIGHT. my dad said it felt like he was landing on the Strip in Las Vegas. a classic...

Sunshine on my shoulders makes me happy, Sunshine in my eyes can make me cry. Sunshine on the water looks so lovely; Sunshine almost always makes me high If I had a day that I could give you I'd give to you a day just like today If I had a song that I could sing for you I'd sing a song to make you feel this way If I had a tale that I could tell you, I'd tell a tale sure to make you smile If I had a wish that I could wish for you I'd make a wish for sunshine all the while. John Denver [Lyrics Freak]

outside our condo. as far as one can travel by road on the northwest corner of kauai. my mom and i discovered a clever way to conceal my laptop: in the oven! at a luau. my parents on their day trip to waimea canyon.

i had a dream that he sent us a message from heaven, letting us know that everything is fine, he's doing great, there's nothing to worry about!

my back hurts so much! no exercise tomorrow; i'll have to wait till monday. but seriously, it's getting worse as i age. frustrating. i'm going to have to build in regular exercise to my schedule, for this and my stupid bone loss. i'm getting another bone density scan this fall, to measure the rate of bone loss. i'm hoping i haven't lost a nanogram, or whatever it's called! yikes. must head downstairs to make dinner. i'm finishing my sudoko puzzles. the advanced level was sorely disappointing and un-advanced. i missed a couple of the intermediate ones, so i'm going back to re-do them. just two weeks left, really. we head for tahoe two weeks from tomorrow, and get back a day or two before i move in to school. maybe it's really time to focus on applying for internships; i've already begun to pack and set up a "staging area" in the living room. less stuff, more focused stuff. i feel good about it, except my room is going to be ...

it is the global (read, it threatens us) "threat" we seek to eradicate, and in so doing, we invade other countries and alienate most of the rest of the world. meanwhile, we weaken ourselves here at home, and become more and more as vulnerable as the marine barracks in beirut became, until, one day, POOF. Vietnam is to communism as iraq and afghanistan are to "terrorism." geography versus ideology, war of words versus war among armies. i was watching a program about the vietnam war the other day, and one of the sound bytes was of a politician saying something like "we entered vietnam to stop the spread of communism," which, by the way, did not prevent communism from overrunning that country, and it remains until today. communism, however, looks almost benevolent compared to the threats we face today. bush uses almost the same rhetoric, saying that we invaded afghanistan and iraq to "prevent the spread of terrorism," and that's not working o...

I called apple support today, and forked over the $49.99 to learn that our printer problem was in fact a much larger one. we re-installed the entire operating system, and can print finally! now i just have to get the wireless internet up and running.

I'll never know what my 20's might have been like. Those of you in your 20's or approaching them, relish every moment. If I can become mentally ill, cows can fly and the sun revolves around the earth. My "Alice in Wonderland" is reality, not fiction, where the Chesire cat grins gleefully at my misfortune. At every turn, there is no escape. I would know; I've been down every road and knocked on every door.

A Tragedy of Marilyn Monroe "The truth is I've never fooled anyone. I've let people fool themselves. They didn't bother to find out who and what I was. Instead, they would invent a character for me. I wouldn't argue with them. They were obviously loving somebody I wasn't. When they found this out, they would blame me for disillusioning them--and fooling them." Marilyn Monroe Shot Through the Heart "I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon." Comedian Paul McGinty I Wonder as I Wander "I am a lover and have not found my thing to love." a character from Sherwood Anderson's book "Winesburg, Ohio." Who Says Germans are Unromantic? "This is the true measure of love: When we believe that we alone can love, that no one could ever have loved so before us, and that no one will ever ...

The melody is particularly beautiful: For you, there'll be no more crying, For you, the sun will be shining, Cause I feel that when I'm with you, It's all right; I know it's right. [And the songbirds keep singing, Like they know the score, And I love you, I love you, I love you, Like never before.] To you, I would give the world, To you, I'd never be cold, Cause I feel that when I'm with you, It's all right; I know it's right. [Chorus] [LyricsFreak]

Which correspondent looks cuter in a flack jacket (yes, this is a bit twisted, but hey--there's a war on)? 1. CNN's John Roberts 2. CNN's Anderson Cooper 3. NBC's Richard Engel (MY VOTE!) 4. CNN's Nick Anderson 5. Christiane Amanpour (I don't think she wears one?)

i would like to feel centered, balanced, and sane by the time school starts. no unseen snafus; no paperwork glitches, no moving-in mayhem. most of all, no interpersonal drama. i'm slightly worried about that, though i think things will settle in within a week of moving in, or so. i'm anxious about my room, though--i don't want to get all settled in and then have the opportunity to move. i'd really like my room to feel more homey than last year, but that requires more effort...hmmm...

will i allow anyone else to make me doubt myself fall prey to someone else's criticism abandon myself to tend to someone else's needs allow myself to be eclipsed by someone else, however bad my pain may be

i want to exercise but i'm not! my back hurts. i should go to yoga tonight, but probably won't, and pilates was cancelled today and yesterday; i was out of town for monday's and tuesday's classes :-(.

how can i soundproof my room for next year? other than fabric on the walls and a carpet, i'm really not sure. i'd like to get one of those mosquito nets that hang over your bed, too, but my ceiling is high enough it'd be hard to install. hmmm... i did an IKEA reconnaissance today, looking for ways to make my room "homier." too bad i'm short on funds.

seem to happen when i'm most tired. i dream that i'm in water, a lot--it's hard to move quickly however hard i try--i know where i'm going, and where i want to go, but can't get there fast enough. last night i dreamt i was ice skating, lost in an outdoor shopping mall parking lot, swimming with someone i hadn't seen since junior high, climbing a wall, ordering pizza at an underwater pizza place at someone else's college...

...it's a long time to hang in the sky, it's a long way home to starwood and aspen, sweet rocky mountain paradise. can't remember what it's like to be home." [John Denver]

reclaiming the self. next time, i'd rather not lose it.

oops, no, wait; i mean that by signing the veto for funding embryonic stem cell research, Bush is in effect sending our talented scientists out of the country to nations that actually believe in and support science. time or newsweek this week has an article about how many american scientists are going to more "progressive" places like singapore to conduct the research they can't do here. before we know it, bush will be banning kite flying and music.

Of Redwood Shores died Saturday, July 22, 2006 after a lengthy illness. Mr. Hvoschinsky lived a full, interesting, and adventurous life. Fluent in six languages, he loved traveling, fishing, skiing on both water and snow, and playing cards. Born June 13, 1926 in Pantchevo, Yugoslavia to Russian émigré parents, Mr. Hvoschinsky attended the Russian Cadets School of Yugoslavia in Belgrade. In 1944, he was mobilized into the Yugoslav Army. Following the war, he studied engineering at the University of Belgrade and completed his bachelors degree at the Polytechnical School of Lausanne, Switzerland. Immigrating to the United States in 1956, Mr. Hvoschinsky worked for the Allen Bradley Company in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. He obtained a graduate assistantship at the California Institute of Technology, earning his MSEE in June 1960. In 1961, he became a United States citizen. Mr. Hvoschinsky worked for Magnetic Research Corporation, Ampex Corporation and, in 1963, joined Lockheed Missiles & Spa...

Isn't it, though? People have fought wars throughout history over religion, but we didn't even have an understanding of "science" until...well, that's a hard question...but anyway, people don't fight wars over science. We argue about science, and about religion, but none of the armed conflicts anywhere on the globe today, that I know about, are (is?) about science: "Gravity is a law! You must obey it!" "No! I don't want to! I like floating around better!" "You are so busted. You are required to obey gravity if you're going to live here."

Israel's military tactics seem to largely mirror the US's, which is a problem because we're really no good at fighting guerillas, who are our primary foe and who are Israel's foe in the form of Hezbollah, as well. Israel, by its current offensive, is sowing the seeds of hatred ever so much deeper, which is a similar effect that the US occupation of Iraq has had. It is so hypocritical for Condi Rice to extend sympathy to Lebanon when we are the ones who supply Israel with the munitions it is using to wreak havoc in Lebanon and destroy hundreds of thousands of lives.

Andrea Yates was found not guilty today in the deaths of three of her children on an "insanity" plea. What I cannot stand is the pervasive ignorance of the media coverage. "Insanity" is such an insult to the mentally ill community. Insanity has nothing whatever to do with mental illness. Why don't we start calling Down's Syndrome folks "retards"? That would be equally insulting to them.

so says the author of the book "the one who got away," who used to work for the nyt and was the guest on stephen colbert's show last night. i agree. loss is one of the few truly democratic phenomena left, along with aging.

guess what? my mom told me that she and my dad are getting me a kitty for graduation! i'm not quite sure how that would work, if i'm living in an apartment, but i really appreciate the gesture. i would much rather my dad have the cat, but my mom doesn't have the time or energy to take care of it. i would so love to have my own kitty, i can't even tell you. my life is not complete without a furry purr factory. i would adopt one right now if i could care for it. we all miss muffy terribly. jen has a maine coon cat, who hid under the bed the whole time, and my mom looked so sad when she was reminded that tinkerbell is a maine coon.

Today, Congress passed a law making it illegal to take a pregnant teen across state lines to have an abortion. In effect, what this does is make it more difficult for a teen to get an abortion. I really don't think that men should be in control of women's lives. Male-dominated Congress just determined what they think is right for a pregnant teen. How on earth would they know? It's kind of like the following. Let's say the Jewish community wants to have Rosh Hashanah made into a federal holiday, for example. Then pretend that a bunch of Christians get to decide. That's not fair. It should be Jewish folks who get to decide as well. Same thing here. Women should determine abortion matters, because they are the ones to whom it directly pertains. In today's example, patriarchy trumps effective represenation. Pregnant teenage girls are not represented in Congress, and their voice was silenced today. This is a failure of the system.

I'm looking forward to this weekend--it's so nice of you to host a birthday party for my dad--he'll love it. I know, I cannot believe how hot is has been and still is! Talk about global warming. I'll bring my swimsuit on Sunday; and we'll spend some quality time together at Tahoe. I'm really looking forward to seeing Pam and Roberto--it's amazing how quickly time goes by. see you soon :-)

my "uncle" Vladimir passed away this weekend. i loved him so much. he was such a bright spot in my childhood. i can't believe i have something else to grieve. he was a big, Russian bear of a man with a booming voice and the bearing of an aristocrat. he had an amazing life story; his family fled the russian revolution because his dad was a member of the czar's court. he was kicked out of yugoslavia for his radical views, ended up translating for the un. he was a spy during world war two. my dad hired him at lockeed decades ago, and he and his wife and my parents were the best of friends ever since. they flew all over the place in my dad's plane, they took my parents to russia and showed them around...vlad could get around the rules sometimes because his russian dialect was aristocratic. he always had hilarious things to say and was full of love and life. he always made me laugh, and he doted on me. he's been really sick the past several years so i haven...

headed home today, the long way, via hwy 101. it'll be pretty, but i really just want to get home. i'm tired of being "in between." lots to do this week; i'm beginning to feel the pressure of getting ready for school; getting my ducks in a row. i don't like moving, so i want to be as organized as possible and not bring what i don't need. i'm also going to be very irritable if i don't get a room in the quiet wing because there's so much noise outside my current dorm room. i am SO over dorm life. my friends are all married with careers, kids, nice houses, and sizable diamonds on their fingers. all i want is the freedom and financial security those bring with them. i'm afraid of feeling isolated next semester, socially, which makes it all the more important that i find an off-campus activity. i hope i can summon the energy i need to apply for internships soon. time to go. i'm dragging my heels. very thirsty.

i know a lot about the kind of life i'd like to have. i want my house to be all about knowledge and learning and stimulation. i want it to be about life. i want a beautiful house in every sense; not a cookie-cutter tract house but one with character. i want smart and interesting and nice friends--peers, essentially. that's what my parents had down here in la with their friends; a peer group of really talented people. that's what i want. lots of love in my life. no drama or turmoil or instability.

today my parents and i walked along the beachside path in manhattan beach known as "the strand." lots of nice houses are being built; much construction. at the very least, they are pretty and tasteful. i like manhattan beach a lot; one of the few places in socal i'd consider living. i've heard all about my parents' former life down here; all their special friends and the fun times they had together. we're staying with joan fey, who is the widow of my dad's best friend. she's such a fun person; i've known her all my life as well. my dad's friend wayne and he met in the army; wayne had graduated from yale and my dad from penn. they absolutely hated the army and looked for whichever grad school started soonest as an excuse to get out. together, they flew all over the country in my dad's plane. wayne built a boat, and they would go cruising around socal beaches, too. i'm glad to have a bird's-eye view into my parents' life be...

what do i need to do to take care of myself--make myself feel better right now? can't fly home a day early; flights are booked. i need time to myself. i slept OK, but i can't get away from other people. everywhere i go in the house i can hear others talking. i feel totally suffocated. i'd like time to myself in the house, and then time to myself at the beach. i need alone time.

can't get any time to myself. can't type on this stupid computer because i can't turn the magnification feature off. grouchy and lonely; not wanting to be around grown-ups anymore. sick of it. sick of pretending to be interested in dull conversations. we're visiting old friends, and that's great; i'm just tired of being lonely. it's been really hot here in socal; we're on the beach now, which is much nicer. lots of unrelated, general anxiety as well. i'm quite unhappy. i feel like my only hope is an internship to get me off campus because i experienced no personal growth at all last year. no improvement in social skills, etiquette, networking, any of that stuff. mom is driving me absolutely nuts. she alienates everyone, dominates the conversation and makes everyone depressed. being around my parents 24/7 is dreadful. i need time alone. i cannot stand to be around others constantly. i am also having mood problems and don't know what to ...

1. when people leave the remote on top of the tv. 2. slow pedestrians who don't speed up when they know you are waiting. 3. people who alphabetize starting with "the." 4. people who can't get their "its," "it's," "their," "there," and "they're"s straight. 5. our healthcare system. 6. waiting on lines or being stuck in traffic. 7. any form of bureaucracy or paperwork; health insurance forms. 8. voice prompted menus and automated phone systems 9. loud truck commercials 10. fluorescent lighting 11. men who oppose abortion 12. hypocrisy 13. door-to-door religious salespeople 14. flying coach 15. the underfunding of law enforcement and education 16. the amount of poverty in our wealthy country 17. george w. bush's ignorance, flippancy, and glibness 18. people who don't believe in global warming. 19. people who yell at their kids, or at anyone else, for that matter. 20. Bill O'Reilly 21. wealthy people w...

because it is, on the Jewish calendar!

i am so accustomed to jumping to rescue people from their feelings that i do it without even thinking. i automatically try to solve others' problems whether they've asked me for help or not, and make them feel better. i'm starting to understand some of the dynamics between my mom and i. super unhealthy. she absolutely creeps me out. she's mad at my dad and i for our choice of tv show, and yells at my dad for absolutely everything, and will not stop talking about the sunset. so strange. i think maudlin is a good term. my dad got confused coming back from the bathroom last night, and i cannot begin to tell you how cruel she was to him. i awoke to her voice abusing him and it gave me chills down my back. i jumped out of bed and quickly guided my dad back to bed, making a joke about how we should call him christopher columbus because he was exploring, trying to make him feel ok about being confused, whereas my mom had been absolutely dreadful to him because he couldn...

problem is, if this conflict really continues, iran will back hezbollah and the united states will back israel, which does lead to something that looks like a world war, especially once europe takes sides and the rest of the arab and muslim states fall into line, behind whomever they each choose to support. that looks a bit like world war I, and if north korea does something evil, it will look like world war II.

what makes Lebanon so unique among middle eastern nations is its (heretofore) ability to have muslims and christians living side-by-side, sharing power, and being peaceful. they had an ugly civil war, but the world has been amazed that they could make their government work. it's also an incredibly sophisticated culture, and beirut was known for decades as the "paris of the middle east"--incredibly cosmopolitan and sophisticated. i've only heard amazing things about beirut from those who have been. i have always wanted to go to beirut, ever since i made friends with some lebanese kids in junior high. i just love their culture; i soak it up like a sponge. i've thought about going to the american university there, and even called the state department for a travel advisory (in 1998). a really nice guy actually called back, and discouraged me, on the conservative side. beirut was settled by the ancient phoenicians, who, i am advised, were also a very sophisticated...

1. Better self-image, self-acceptance, and more confidence. 2. To stop struggling with weight, food choices, and body image. 3. To learn how to accept the raw, uncensored, nurturing, non-judgmental, constant kind of love that I crave. 4. A balanced life between work, school, friends, family, and alone time. 5. To be less self-centered and more curious about others. 6. To feel secure about my future. 7. To never feel lonely, isolated, despondent, or hopeless. 8. To have faith that everything will be OK. 9. To have more love and support in my life, with lots of friends, acquaintances, neighbors, and family. 10. To stop doubting myself

he's so much fun to watch, because he asks such blisteringly straightforward questions, and his guests never actually answer, however skillfully russert tries to pin them down and back them into a corner. he's the host of "Meet the Press" and sometimes lampooned on SNL.

Here we are in "sunny" southern california, but the air quality is so poor that it's never really a clear, bright, untainted sunny day. it's kind of overcast, cloudy, but not really either one. ambiguous weather!

i was surprised at how much i liked orange county. it's not like la at all, really, and even reminds me of northern california. jen and alan live in a pretty fancy neighborhood; pretty comfortably middle class, in the hills. it was over 100 degrees. i'd like to go down to visit with danielle as soon as jen lets us after the baby comes!

Jen's baby shower took place today. It is SO hot here in Orange County. Our car said it was 110 degrees. It was so good to see old friends, like recharging my battery. Everyone is doing really well, but we did talk about how heartbreak and tragedy are simply part of life. We've each had devastating things happen in our lives; from spouses leaving to death to breast cancer, multiple sclerosis, Alzheimer's, and mental illness. I felt a bit better after talking. Everyone is so concerned for my dad; it really meant a lot. He is so loved by everyone who knows him. We saw Jen and Alan's house, which is beautiful and comfortable, and the baby's nursery, which has a Hawaiian theme. They have a GORGEOUS armoir that was a few hundred bucks on craigslist, rather than $3000 at Pottery Barn. Jen opened present after present at the shower and it was such a warm, wonderful feeling as everyone "oooed" and "ahhhhhd" with each one. I got to meet some of J...

[the title is a variation of the PBS special "War and Remembrance"] Keeping this blog is really important to my growth and recovery. I've been thinking about how I spend so much time on it, and what that means. It's all about re-asserting myself into the world and rediscovering myself; my interests, my writing, my opinions, my creativity--all the parts of me that went away for so long. I've also been subverting myself, and sacrificing all growth, in order to get through school. I know I have, and I can't wait to be free of that burden. My blog is about me. It is me--the once and future me.

Hydra is that Greek mythological creature with many heads, and when one of those heads was severed, another would grow back in its place. that's how i feel about Hezbollah--Israel will never be able to eradicate it because it is backed by Iran, the indestructible Hydra--it is one of Iran's "heads," and if annihilated, will grow right back, possibly in a much worse form. image URL: http://www.eaudrey.com/myth/hydra.htm

the tectonic plates of the geopolitical landscape are shifting! i don't agree that this is World War III--things would have to get a lot worse and a lot more globally-mobilized for that to be the case, in my opinion, but a number of conflicts around the world bring into clear focus new paradigms of threats to our country and indeed in trends of power in what will become world history. i was just talking today with the Iraqi shuttle driver today about how the Arab world used to rule the world at one time, and was the most sophisticated and educated society anywhere, and how sad that that isn't the case anymore. in my opinion, the Holocaust happened in part because Hitler simply tapped into an underlying presence of anti-Semitism that was just waiting for the right impetus to boil over and be put into action. similarly, there seem to be so many corners of the Arab/Muslim world that are amassing huge support and financial and cultural infrastructure that with the right trigger, co...

Larry King, sometimes there just isn't any more to say about a given topic, so calling in random "experts" who don't know much more than i do about it just isn't interesting. thanks.

my parents are fighting and i was not in the mood to join them for dinner so i'm staying in for room service. after travelling all day, i really need time to myself to settle down and get back in touch. i'm terribly happy to have internet access, so i can work on my blog and watch interesting tv, like anderson cooper, who is doing a segment on Hezbollah. i can't believe how nice and friendly the men are here; makes me yearn for all those last years in Silicon Valley where no one will give you the time of day if you're not an executive.

wow. i really admire Anderson Cooper. he wanders into the most dangerous of circumstances. he broadcasted from a Hezbollah neighborhood in devastated, bombed-out Lebanon, noting that he was being watched. someone from Hezbollah approached his car and said it was too dangerous and he should leave; the Israelis could attack at any time. he said Hezbollah was trying to compile a photo album of journalists so they'd know who not to shoot. geez; you must love being a reporter, Anderson. great work! grade A+!

my shuttle driver to the hotel was from Iraq. really nice guy. i feel terribly for him and his family, who still live in Baghdad. he says it gets worse there everyday, and he sees no prospect for peace anytime soon, and that the Shiite/Sunni fight will never end.

"Colbert's White House Correspondent Dinner Performance Underscores Irony's Power And Delicacy" by Joe Gandelman The scene: The White House Correspondent Dinner. The time: right after President George W. Bush put in a boffo performance next to a top-notch Bush impersonator. It was a hard act to follow. But Comedy Central's Stephen Colbert most assuredly followed it in his irony-heavy TV persona of a TV News talk show host that seems reminiscent of a Fox News host. What followed was a study in contrasting satirical forms — the easier task with one form (the one-liner, the visual, the lines dependent on joke construction and timing)...and the tougher task with the other (heavy irony, which relies on shared assumptions).. Yet, in terms of content, Colbert's satire was more biting, had a message and was far less playful — more akin to what you'd hear in a point-of-view "set" in a comedy club. And irony is always a tougher task. The Internet term for ...

"Did Media Miss Real Colbert Story?" BY DOUG ELFMAN "A 'blogstorm' is thundering across liberal Web sites. Many liberals are furious at the White House press corps for virtually ignoring Stephen Colbert's keynote speech at the press corp's own White House Correspondents' Dinner last Saturday. To non-liberals, this may seem like an isolated complaint. To liberals, it further justifies their belief that the media, particularly TV news, is a big stinking cabal of conservatives. The truth is many in the media wrote about Bush's stand-up routine at the dinner as if they had just watched the coming of a comic genius, but they didn't report much on Colbert's funnier, harsher jokes..." [Chicago Sun-Times]

"Politicians Relish Comic's Needling" [excerpt] By Christina Bellantoni THE WASHINGTON TIMES Published July 3, 2006 No matter how hard members of Congress who appear on the "Better Know a District" comedy segment try to beat the system, Stephen Colbert makes them end up looking silly. But several lawmakers said doing the spoof spot on "The Colbert Report" on TV's Comedy Central actually has raised their profiles back home, particularly among young folks. "You have to have the right attitude," said Rep. Phil Gingrey, Georgia Republican, whose 11th District was featured on the cable show in April. "It's a comedy show; he's a comedian, and you're not," he said. "Even though I tried to be funny, all my funny stuff ended up on the cutting-room floor. I just had to leave hoping that when they slice and dice and put it all back together again, I wouldn't look too stupid." Indeed, any publicity is good ...

i'm sitting in a divinely air conditioned, nicely appointed hotel room in Orange County, and they have FREE WIRELESS INTERNET! I feel just as inert as at home; i just want to curl into a ball, watch tv, do my puzzles, and not talk to anyone for awhile. i really should up my seroquel. the guy next to me on the flight was a chatterbox, but very interested in my sudoko puzzle. then we talked about europe. he's had some great experiences and we talked about how ridiculously clean switzerland is. i mean really. and how the french hated us even before 9/11, and how there's so much history and everything is old but in a beautiful way. the beds are nice here, with great linens. i am so comfortable right now. my shuttle driver coming to the hotel is from Iraq! we talked a bit about things over there. a really nice guy with no optimism for Iraq.

"Congressman 'Admits' Using Cocaine and Prostitutes on Colbert Show -- Really?" 7/21/06 NEW YORK By now, members of Congress ought to know that appearing on Stephen Colbert's "Better Know a District" segment on his nightly Comedy Central program is like walking across a minefield. Some survive with their dignity intact, many don't -- like the fellow who let Colbert comb his moustache. Rep. Robert Wexler [Florida], a Democrat, skated through the first part of the interview segment with good humor. Colbert usually poses offbeat or absurd questions and traps his guests into making revealing or just embarrassing statements. His approach on Thursday was to point out to Wexler that since he was basically unopposed for re-election this year he could probably say anything and it would not hurt him. Colbert suggested: Now this is "just kidding," but why don't you say something that would normally cost you the election, even if not true-- for exa...

there is enough pollution in the air again that tomorrow is a "Spare the Air Day," which means that public transportation is free! lucky me! i won't have to pay for the train or the airport shuttle!

But with the way Bush has been using it, I'm sure some people are beginning to regard it that way; passing it through their lips with a certain hiss and disdain as they survey the ruins of their house and listen to the gunfire of death squads firing into crowds. I think "democracy" has become a dirty word all around the Muslim world.

I should actually get some things done today. exercise class is a given, and then i must pack and make sure i haven't forgotten anything. confirmation numbers for hotel and airplane, cell phone w/charger, laptop w/case and charger...meds, toiletries, makeup, smaller purse? my parents brought most of my stuff already in the car; oh, i need to bring my dad's gifts and jen's card to go with her shower gift. it's my dad's birthday on sunday and we're going to an awesome, old-fashioned restaurant in LA with one of our best family friends to celebrate. i'm wearing a new dress i bought at banana awhile back on sale. that's exciting too! i love my dad and want to spend as much quality time with him as i can. i'm also excited about the gifts i bought for him. i must make good use of today, and not stay up too late tonight. i should probably call a cab around 1-ish tomorrow, to get to the train station to take the train to the airport train stop and then ...

i'm closing in on a week with no flour or sugar! yikes! more veggies than i've had in months, probably. yum, yum, yum...

about a month till school starts...when i get back from socal, there's one week left in july. two weeks of august, followed by one week at tahoe, and then to school right when i get back! my great hope for the semester is an internship. it's time to get off campus and find a social life. it's also time to start developing my interests and building my resume. oh yeah, and i should apply for internships, too, during this time! i'm looking at a few publishing companies in the area, along with some non-profits, journalism, and political campaigns. basically, anything that sounds interesting. i really hope i land something i like and that isn't boring.

an over-used and trite expression, particularly when affixed to bumpers, but it makes my point. i want to start "tuning in" and paying attention to what makes me happy, rather than overriding it in favor of what i "should" be doing or what would "look best." Joseph Campbell says: "if you do follow your bliss, you put yourself on a kind of track that has been there all the while, waiting for you, and the life that you ought to be living is the one you are living. When you can see that, you begin to meet people who are in your field of bliss, and they open doors to you. I say, follow your bliss and don't be afraid, and doors will open where you didn't know they were going to be." [www.jcf.org]

some fossilized talking head on a talk show recently decided that this is "World War IV," although he didn't explain where World War III was. Jon Stewart played a series of clips of talking heads declaring it's World War III, and ended with the clip of this guy mumbling that it's World War IV. a funny contrast.

my friend Tim used to describe going away for a weekend retreat thusly: when we move to a new environment, even if it's only for a few days, it takes some time to acclimate, to feel like we've "arrived." when it's time to leave, sometimes we psychologically prepare ourselves to do so ahead of time, often during the packing process. trouble is, during a short weekend, it's entirely possible that your soul doesn't arrive until after you've "left," psychologically. i miss him. that's how i am with school. i'm already psychologically preparing, making mental notes of what to bring and what must be done beforehand. i like it that way because it helps me be quite organized, but it also detracts from the present.

honestly, TWO months after our trip to Hawaii, my sunburn is still visible in various shades of tan--no longer red. i have no idea how i got it--it's the weirdest shape ever.

impeding the path of progress yet again, mr. president, with your cute little veto of the stem cell bill today. you're already the laughingstock of the civilized world, sir; good job solidifying your reputation! how did you graduate from both harvard and yale; i thought one was required to at least acknowledge the existence of science to do so? the entire world will be relieved when your term is over, not just our country. what is one positive change you have made since entering office?

one of the things i love about blogging is that i cannot see the other person's reactions to what i write. that's a relief, because i can't change what i'm doing or saying based on that information, which i often do. i feel a bit safer to be myself here.

I really don't like it when people my age shoot down something I like. Whenever I have the courage to be true to myself, I find that my peers occasionally do this. I am an interesting person with a lot of diverse interests, and I don't apologize for it. The real diamonds in the rough are the ones who seek me out for this. We recognize each other. Mediocrity can be so tiresome; although, often, all i want is to belong. i'd never trade a minute of who i am for anything, though. i just haven't found the right world out there. dr. w assures me it's there, every time i see him or talk with him.

the tension in the air recently reminds me of what i've read and heard about the Cuban Missile Crisis--that we're so close to a cataclysmic event, but we probably won't reach it, if we play our cards right.

sometimes i want to stop searching. i just want to come home and sit down and rest. i don't know where that is, though.

and i cannot wait for it to begin. just as everything i see and do makes me hurt, sometimes, because it reminds me of a loss, every now and then, something makes me excited. like when i watch richard engel reporting from the middle east--i could do something like that! whenever a talking head is interviewed on tv, i think--i would love for someone to ask my opinion on something! when someone publishes a book, i think--i could do better than that! when someone gives a speech, i think--i could do that! travel, money, recognition, all the sh*t that a college degree brings. i have so much living to make up for, much of it i never will. all in all, i am still so lucky to be who i am. i know that, in spite of everything. i've always known that, since the day i was born.

9 months and 26 days!

Think Osama, think Che.

that's all i want, really. it's what i found...rather, the beginning of the trail to happiness is what i found in summer school, but never had the chance to follow through. that's a taste of what i want, though, and it's with me all the time. i know it's out there.

[source for map is wikipedia, title of post is from "My Fair Lady"]

i don't know what to wear anymore. i'm 29 and do not wish to dress like a teenager, and i don't know where to shop or even what my personal style is anymore. i do know that i'm tired of my current "look," or lack thereof.

Don't do it, President Bush, DO NOT VETO this bill that the saner-than-you Senate has already passed!

The ever-strident yet exceedingly intelligent Christopher Hitchens. A link to his site and work.

I think Christina Aguilera has really come out on top; I think she's doing really well career-wise and personally. Poor Britney. It's going to take her a long time to land on her feet, if she ever does.

NBC's Richard Engel: OK, this one is a little mug shot-y, granted, but also very cute: one of the only nice things about these large political crises is that all the networks trot out their coolest correspondents. anderson cooper, of course, is already one of my faves, as is christiane amanpour, but nbc has this cute guy named "richard engel." he has a very interesting story, too. he graduated from stanford, went to the middle east, lived with a family, learned arabic, and gradually developed a career in journalism. he just up and left, and made a life for himself. very cool! Dexter Filkins of the New York Times' Baghdad Bureau is also cute, in a different sort of way. He definitely wins my "Cute Correspondent With the Cool Name" Award. Being well-spoken, intelligent, and nice are always pluses.

i had a talk with someone i haven't seen in years, spent some time with him. got lost in a parking lot at night, met up with another friend i haven't seen in a long time, who was sad about her love life, went to my old ballet studio and took class... met some mills students while walking along a river where a scene from "desperate housewives" had been filmed (?). fell asleep on the center divider of a road i know well from home; i had two pillows and could not figure out how to ride my bike and carry them at the same time...i was late for class but so tired i could not get up to go.

"Put On Your Sunday Clothes" Put on your Sunday clothes when you feel down and out, Strut down the street and have your picture took Dressed like a dream your spirits seem to turn about That Sunday shine is a certain sign That you feel as fine as you look! Beneath your parasol, the world is all a smile That makes you feel brand new down to your toes Dressed like a dream your spirits seem to turn about That Sunday shine is a certain sign That you feel as fine as you look! Put on your Sunday clothes there's lots of world out there Put on your silk cravat and patent shoes We're gonna find adventure in the evening air... [stlyrics.com]

El Camino Hospital is probably one of the only hospitals in the country with free valet parking. It's just temporary; they're undergoing massive construction and for some unknown reason have decided to treat everyone to free valet parking. It's lots of fun, though! Who knew going for a lab test involved walking down the red carpet, complete with paparazzi (well, ok, they're construction workers, but still)? we came right home because it was so miserably hot out. it still is. i want to take public transportation to the airport but can't get to the train station. how ironic. the shortest part of the journey and i'll have to find someone to drive me there.

my dad wants to know. we went for a blood test today. he is so patient. they had us wait forever, and he and i just sat there and read. a very pleasant way to pass the time, no matter where you are.

didn't love Stephen's show tonight. too much sexual innuendo, not enough funny politics. oh well. jon stewart had a facinating guest on, though, who wrote a book about the north korean nuclear threat. i didn't know it was possible to get that much information about north korea because they are so secretive.

highly flammable.

it's very hot today, which means the molecules are moving around and bumping into each other much more quickly than usual. my dad and i had a little physics talk today at lunch.

gosh, it only take a few words to make me feel rotten. there's no give-and-take. i can't make any decisions or change anything because they always get reversed, shot down, or put right back where they were. it's like i cannot participate in my own living space. extremely frustrating and anger-inducing. SUCH irrational behavior. can't stand it. i tried to close the blinds a bit to keep out the sun because it's so hot today, but they were opened again, even after i explained my reason. she just has a way and a tone of voice that completely shoots me down and makes me feel rotten. i don't like it. she's also horrible to my dad and i cannot stand it either. i can't change anything in the kitchen, and my belongings are constantly being moved around. i can't stand it. i am made to feel as if everything of mine is constantly in the wrong place, and must be "dealt with," as if the world revolved around her. then she lectures me about the ne...

back in the day, i could down a big salad with rice and protein and fruit. now, i can only eat about three quarters of the same-sized salad. what gives? has my stomach not expanded enough to accomodate all that roughage? the American Cancer Society would be proud.

This is a shout out to the only source of comic relief during the invasion of Baghdad: the Iraqi Minister of Information, who kept insisting that Americans were nowhere near Baghdad as our tanks rolled in behind him. Please note that the Minister is the only one of Saddam's coterie who was not included in the "deck of cards" that named the most wanted thugs after the war, issued to soldiers to help them identify wanted individuals. We Love the Iraqi Information Minister

sarcasm, bad humor, poor taste, and ill judgment, too.

Green unofficially represents Islam, and green flags and bandanas are often seen in footage of militant Islamists. I'm not referring to the environmentalist political party, obviously, but rather the rise of the power of organized, political, militant Islam.

hmm...have we ever faced this many threats at once? North Korea is threatening to attack, Middle East instability is increasing by the day, Iraq is falling further and further into its morass of hopelessness, bombs are going off in India, Iran is the most bold we've seen it be in years... what if they all decide to fire nuclear missiles at us all at once?

England's Tony Blair isn't really anyone's idea of a punk-rock anything, i don't think, but I have to say I love how intelligent and well-spoken he is. I'd listen to him say just about anything, especially when he gets trounced by British Parliament and all the screaming and yelling they get to do during those screaming-and-yelling sessions. It's such a change to hear a leader speak who knows what he's talking about and who's so eloquent. He was on the debate team in college, I believe. plus i just love his particular english accent. not too posh, but just enough. love that pronunciation! i'd like to sound like him. I think he's aged a great deal over the past couple of years, though.

It seems like only the stuff for which we're least prepared happens--Katrina, 9/11, and the current Israeli offensive. we've been woefully unprepared for each--the CIA still doesn't have enough Arabic speakers, for example, our under-preparedness for Katrina needs no explanation, and I don't think we've paid any attention to Lebanon since the 1980's. Bush seems to hardly know what to say about it.

Apparently, Hezbollah is launching rockets further into Israel than they have before, putting many more Israelis at risk than usual. I have a feeling, though, that anyone who chooses to live in Israel is fully aware of the risk of an explosive situation occurring at just about any moment.

there are too many of us "over there," and not enough "over here." plus, the number of "over there"s seems to be increase by the week. in world war II, when we were preparing for d-day, there were tons of US GIs in Britain. the Brits said that the problem with the Americans was that they were "overpaid, oversexed, and over here."

for some reason, much of my dreams last night took place on roller skates. the rest of them were nightmares about my dad's health. i listened to the italian and german news shows last night. lots of fun. i understood bits and pieces of each. the germans were talking about some wretched bands in berlin that did cover songs of old american rock music. awful. i don't remember what the italians talked about.

i really don't want to look at the news anymore. i enjoy world events, but i've had enough violence. enough already with iraq, let alone lebanon. is that what i get for caring so much about the world, or am i just projecting inner feelings/conflicts onto exterior situations? i really should stop undermining myself like that. i don't want to put any more violent pictures on my blog. i've had enough. i cannot imagine what beirut must be like--i remember friends of mine telling stories about growing up in the civil war in Beirut. one friend was playing with her friend in their front yard, when her friend said she thought she'd been hit by a rock. turns out it was a stray bullet! but seriously, i have some idea of how much they've suffered, and so recently, and how hard it's been to put together any semblance of a government, and it breaks my heart to see it all go to pieces, and watch the people whose wounds have not yet begun to heal lose everything all o...

i am so tired of living at home. i never wanted to in the first place, and i despise all the lost years. it's excruciating to watch my friends enjoy those years i never had. such bitterness. i am so lonely and there is nothing to do around here; no one to talk to or hang out with. another several weeks of my life wasted, counting down until i can go back to school. another saturday night of tv by myself. well, at least i was consistent--no social life whatsoever for my entire third decade; no fun, no enjoyment, no personal growth. i want to cry but it wouldn't help. i am tired of being in pain. at least i went to yoga today, that got me out of the house. it's a cheerful environment; my home environment is so depressing and tedious i can't stand it. and i'm alone and hurting and there's no one to comfort me. raw deal. then i'll go to my friend's baby shower next weekend, and have to watch everyone else have the life i never got to. it hurts more tha...

Actually not; lots of screaming, yelling, and cursing. Just kidding. My mom and I did some arm waxing today. It was her first time; she did very well. We've been "stripped and ripped," as Brian would say. It is truly awful to cause others pain, even when they request to be waxed. I'm sure I could not deal emotionally with being a professional waxer.

I find it fascinating how most other cultures don't value cheerful, quick smiles the way we do. I think of us as "shiny, happy Americans" sometimes. I feel like other cultures, such as European ones, are much older than we are and have suffered wars and trauma a LOT more than we have. In that sense, we're a bit like historical virgins--we haven't been invaded over and over for centuries, known devastating plagues, had a religious civil war, etc. I think we're a teenage nation, and we're entering a new phase of being tested. I think the potential threats facing us now are the largest we've faced--although I wasn't around during the Cold War, granted, but we have so many enemies who seem willing to destroy us now. I wonder if this is a test we will not pass. Bush, in my opinion, continues to go against the grain, this time in the form of supporting Israel. I think it's a huge mistake to continue to alienate the rest of the world when they a...

I do have an amazing amount of love in my life, and I'm incredibly lucky for it. It's like a fiery beacon, or a warm cloak to protect me from the cold and lift me up to feel worthy and cared about, and many other things. I'm very grateful for it. There's a "but," here, though--I still feel like I alienate people much more than I'd like to. I almost feel like the people who love me are the ones willing to excavate through the tough and treacherous exterior and put up with my heretofore undealt with "owies." I wish I felt more lovable. Sometimes I do, but more often I don't. This is a new challenge to tackle. I'm sure that self-acceptance is a piece of it, and tuning out negative thoughts, but it's a long road, I think. I'm so grateful that by next May, I'll be on my own and ready to deal with all this sh*t in the real world as an independent person, FINALLY. My ambition is on fire, and I feel utterly unstoppable. How...

mmmm....yoga....delicious! and hard! those yogis must have been doing something right--yoga wouldn't have lasted for thousands of years if it wasn't really beneficial. maybe in a thousand years i'll be that flexible! actually, "nirvana" is a buddhist term, not hindu. oh well.

I'm sorry, but Bush is making things worse by continuing to support Israel's behavior in Lebanon. He is further isolating our country in the foreign arena and probably contributing to the violence in the Middle East. Right now, I think the only viable option is to censure Israel multilaterally and get them to stop attacking Lebanon immediately. Otherwise, this thing will only escalate. Iran's upstart new president--i don't even feel like looking up his name--is spoiling for a fight.