Frozen With Fear
Paranoia is setting in (no, not THAT kind). Sometimes I feel like I'm being mocked but I can't always tell.
Being in relationships warps me somehow and brings out my worst insecurities. It's like I'm transformed into someone else, and I don't mean in a good way. A month ago I was sitting in my room, blogging happily away, chatting at Founders and touching up my makeup in case I saw hfg in the dining hall, telling jokes with my friends and writing funny stuff on my blog.
Now I worry about what others think of me and question my every move and statement and feel a little immobilized and paranoid. I constantly worry about losing others' affections, and I mean this is true even for people I don't know very well.
I feel inferior to people whose lives have the appearance of being much more together than mine. Heck, to anyone who has a life. I don't like feeling indebted and hope to avoid feeling obliged somehow this summer. It's time to reconcile with my inner self. Fooling others doesn't get me anywhere.
I always end up in this pattern where the other person expresses interest, I reciprocate, and they withdraw. I usually end up feeling it's my fault, that I somehow did something to drive them away. However, that's sometimes the case. So I'm just going in circles with this, and don't have much insight into it yet (where it comes from, etc.).
I really need to take my medication, or else I'll never get out of bed tomorrow. I'm afraid of giving too much and being mocked and taken advantage of. I'm afraid of talking too much. I'm afraid that I focus on the negative too much and don't know how to celebrate the positive, that when good things happen to other people I somehow lose out. I get jealous easily. I talk about myself too much. I feel pressured to make others laugh so they'll stick around.
I want to break this pattern. I want to be free to be myself, my whole self, in any relationship, not to get drawn into others' gravitational fields or whatever the emotional equivalent of that is.
Being in relationships warps me somehow and brings out my worst insecurities. It's like I'm transformed into someone else, and I don't mean in a good way. A month ago I was sitting in my room, blogging happily away, chatting at Founders and touching up my makeup in case I saw hfg in the dining hall, telling jokes with my friends and writing funny stuff on my blog.
Now I worry about what others think of me and question my every move and statement and feel a little immobilized and paranoid. I constantly worry about losing others' affections, and I mean this is true even for people I don't know very well.
I feel inferior to people whose lives have the appearance of being much more together than mine. Heck, to anyone who has a life. I don't like feeling indebted and hope to avoid feeling obliged somehow this summer. It's time to reconcile with my inner self. Fooling others doesn't get me anywhere.
I always end up in this pattern where the other person expresses interest, I reciprocate, and they withdraw. I usually end up feeling it's my fault, that I somehow did something to drive them away. However, that's sometimes the case. So I'm just going in circles with this, and don't have much insight into it yet (where it comes from, etc.).
I really need to take my medication, or else I'll never get out of bed tomorrow. I'm afraid of giving too much and being mocked and taken advantage of. I'm afraid of talking too much. I'm afraid that I focus on the negative too much and don't know how to celebrate the positive, that when good things happen to other people I somehow lose out. I get jealous easily. I talk about myself too much. I feel pressured to make others laugh so they'll stick around.
I want to break this pattern. I want to be free to be myself, my whole self, in any relationship, not to get drawn into others' gravitational fields or whatever the emotional equivalent of that is.
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