an interesting week
tonight's topic is "trusting my instincts."
when i was with tim, and i had a thought or feeling and i checked it out with him, somehow, i was always wrong. i stopped trusting my instincts. in hindsight, i was right about just about everything. doubting myself and my instincts drives me crazy, and, when i read about verbal abuse, i learned that that is one of the hallmark symptoms of an abusive relationship.
it is slow and insidious, but once you've stopped trusting yourself and begun trusting your abuser instead, things can go downhill quickly. that confused feeling always tells me that something is wrong; if i ask for clarification and don't get any, it usually means the other person is deliberately manipulative or honestly unclear about what's going on either.
i've often been right about a lot of stuff. but also, i bring my damage to the table and it can cloud my lens. for example, i have this need to be right that comes from emotional damage of some sort, that has nothing to do with whatever situation i'm looking at.
when i'm off, i'm REALLY off. like way-off-in-left-field-of-an-entirely-different-stadium off.
i can be emotionally ignorant; i can say the stupidest, most obtuse things, even though I'm fairly perceptive much of the time. this is just me doubting myself. i went ahead and was honest, and i'm glad for it. it takes a commitment from both people to be honest with themselves and each other, and i'm so lucky to have that now.
i was in a relationship where the other person was not committed to honesty, but i thought he was, and trustued him, and it was very painful. i could never figure out why i was always wrong, even though i just knew inside that i wasn't. yuck. so glad those days are behind me.
my prayer is to keep my thoughts and wishes and desires clean and pure and facing the right way; wanting what is good for everyone, not serving the interests of the damage and hurts i still have.
my back hurts. i'm too tired to go to yoga. may as well veg out and feel better tomorrow. i'm trying to upload pictures and it's not working. scanning looks easy, though.
when i was with tim, and i had a thought or feeling and i checked it out with him, somehow, i was always wrong. i stopped trusting my instincts. in hindsight, i was right about just about everything. doubting myself and my instincts drives me crazy, and, when i read about verbal abuse, i learned that that is one of the hallmark symptoms of an abusive relationship.
it is slow and insidious, but once you've stopped trusting yourself and begun trusting your abuser instead, things can go downhill quickly. that confused feeling always tells me that something is wrong; if i ask for clarification and don't get any, it usually means the other person is deliberately manipulative or honestly unclear about what's going on either.
i've often been right about a lot of stuff. but also, i bring my damage to the table and it can cloud my lens. for example, i have this need to be right that comes from emotional damage of some sort, that has nothing to do with whatever situation i'm looking at.
when i'm off, i'm REALLY off. like way-off-in-left-field-of-an-entirely-different-stadium off.
i can be emotionally ignorant; i can say the stupidest, most obtuse things, even though I'm fairly perceptive much of the time. this is just me doubting myself. i went ahead and was honest, and i'm glad for it. it takes a commitment from both people to be honest with themselves and each other, and i'm so lucky to have that now.
i was in a relationship where the other person was not committed to honesty, but i thought he was, and trustued him, and it was very painful. i could never figure out why i was always wrong, even though i just knew inside that i wasn't. yuck. so glad those days are behind me.
my prayer is to keep my thoughts and wishes and desires clean and pure and facing the right way; wanting what is good for everyone, not serving the interests of the damage and hurts i still have.
my back hurts. i'm too tired to go to yoga. may as well veg out and feel better tomorrow. i'm trying to upload pictures and it's not working. scanning looks easy, though.
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