She's Come Undone

hi everyone,

i hate brutal honesty, but without it i won't move forward. i'm glad people are reading my blog, but not at moments like these. i tend to make my life smaller when i'm interested in someone; perhaps because i need so desperately to fill that (w)hole inside.

i have this makeup lesson in palo alto i can't decide to cancel or not. i feel like a lump; i just want to stay in my room and space out; which disturbs me, since i can't tell if i'm depressed or not, and if i am, whether it's the medication or real life.

i really hate the seroquel and am trying to get away with 175mg, but maybe i'll experiment with taking 200mg tonight. i'm seeing the doctor on friday, which is good. meanwhile, i'm not applying for internships, even though i feel like i should be. the truth is, that without an income, i can't afford to live on my own, and most internships don't pay very much.

i chose to get some sleep last night, rather than finish my french paper, which i turned in half in english this morning. the truth is that i'm tired of clinging to school as my way out and wish i could just get on with my life now. i'm tired of being forced to put it off.

talking to hig changed things a lot, too. i tend to find italians attractive but rarely feel a connection to them, so i was, in all honesty, a little disappointed to learn he wasn't french. he is beautiful, though, but i'm beating myself up for going over to talk to him when maybe i should have waited. he was already inching closer with the whole tables near ours thing and the soda machine thing, etc. maybe he liked that i seem aloof and now i've ruined it.

you see how paranoid and twisted up and insecure i am? i have so much yet to learn.

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