She's Come Undone

hi everyone,

i hate brutal honesty, but without it i won't move forward. i'm glad people are reading my blog, but not at moments like these. i tend to make my life smaller when i'm interested in someone; perhaps because i need so desperately to fill that (w)hole inside.

i have this makeup lesson in palo alto i can't decide to cancel or not. i feel like a lump; i just want to stay in my room and space out; which disturbs me, since i can't tell if i'm depressed or not, and if i am, whether it's the medication or real life.

i really hate the seroquel and am trying to get away with 175mg, but maybe i'll experiment with taking 200mg tonight. i'm seeing the doctor on friday, which is good. meanwhile, i'm not applying for internships, even though i feel like i should be. the truth is, that without an income, i can't afford to live on my own, and most internships don't pay very much.

i chose to get some sleep last night, rather than finish my french paper, which i turned in half in english this morning. the truth is that i'm tired of clinging to school as my way out and wish i could just get on with my life now. i'm tired of being forced to put it off.

talking to hig changed things a lot, too. i tend to find italians attractive but rarely feel a connection to them, so i was, in all honesty, a little disappointed to learn he wasn't french. he is beautiful, though, but i'm beating myself up for going over to talk to him when maybe i should have waited. he was already inching closer with the whole tables near ours thing and the soda machine thing, etc. maybe he liked that i seem aloof and now i've ruined it.

you see how paranoid and twisted up and insecure i am? i have so much yet to learn.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

We Are Human

it's how we deal with it that matters. had a long talk over lunch with misrak about racism. she has a lot to say, and a lot to deal with. she talked about the appalling attitude of a woman she recently worked with. it's very eye-opening to hear "the other side of the story," i.e. a person of color talking about being on the receiving end of racism. it's heartbreaking and horrifying, and an education in itself. lots of work remains to be done.
Read more

The Clear Light of Day

my mom helped me put a piece of the puzzle into place today. it's all about clarity; and the more clearly i see it for what it really is, the more able i am to let go of it. we had talked about abuse and repeating behavior patterns, etc., and agreed that we were both committed to doing things differently. the abuse began to sneak in, though, and i can see that sh*t coming a mile away and knew exactly what it was when it hit. and, i didn't believe it. in retrospect, that's what it was. a kink in her operating system she wasn't dealing with. automatic danger. it's one thing if folks are prepared to deal with all of their stuff, but if they're in denial about anything, it's just going to get larger and larger until something is done. it was always going to go in just one direction. the signs were there. there really is such a thing as "too good to be true." if that's "too good to be true," then what's the real deal? where
Read more

Trimming the Fat

weeding through my entire blog--there are almost 1400 posts! quality over quantity; getting rid of stuff that seems irrelevent or misplaced or superfluous or otherwise dissatisfactory. saw a great documentary on the History Channel today about Hitler's family. turns out there are still a few living in the US! they've also had a good series on the SS, but, most importantly, tomorrow night they start the entire " Band of Brothers " series! i never tire of watching it. literally! i'm 15 pounds lighter with muscle to boot. can't believe it. cutting sugar and flour really works. started bob tonight, just love it. i'd like to get the soundtrack. dentist on friday. i'd like to get my blog to about 1000 posts. quite time consuming. turning in is the answer, not out. growth, expansion, new life. it's about time. i am so stale, and i can hardly breathe in here. the window hasn't been open for ages, and i cannot feel fresh air on my face or see the out
Read more