i don't know what love is

and i feel like an idiot.

it's never enough, and i am always unseen.

i wanted a night to myself tonight, to listen to music, get comfortable, and work on my blog; i need to get centered. i feel easily de-centered and i do not like it.

i feel vulnerable today. bouleversed. i do not like myself.

"the songbirds keep singing like they know the score."

i have been bouleversed. I wish to be found, and carried. Lifted. Won over. Held. Cared for. Entitled, entangled; entanglement. Inseparable. Oblivious to day or night, or to any universe but mine, and ours. an opiate cloud of bliss.

i am always and ever alone. i am ready not to be. words are my divinity, or is that too corny?

Brian taught me that (well, what I said at his funeral) I am findable, and I am being found. I loved him so much and fed off his love. I am freezing cold without it. The world felt different the day he died, like the sun had been extinguished and the earth would grow infinitely cold. his love was like an unbearable heat i could not escape but that made me warm for the first time. i need to tell my story in order to heal.

I need another shot in the arm like that; instant self-esteem or self-confidence; to be relieved of the need to look outside myself for wholeness or approval, or anything else.

i am not feeling funny today; i feel acute and obtuse.

I wish to be seen, and not idealized or idolized. that is an insult and a form of rejection.

my heart is hungry, and unfed. i cannot tell you how large the abyss is.