Under the Influence
i really wish i was at school.at christmas was happy to be back home, but now i realize that my life is at school. it's hard at home; my dad isn't doing too well, my parents' marriage is as bad as ever, my mom tries to put me in the middle and saddle me with burdens that are not mine. but i love my dad and we got to spend some rare quality time together.
will i ever get to be a kid? of course, i already am. i love this kitty so much, i wishcould take her home with me. she's jumping all around and sitting on me and my dad and sniffing him and trying to sit on my shoulder. i really need a cat in my life.
i feel off balance not being at school. housesitting is hard, too, though i appreciate the money, because i'm in two or three places at once and taking care of my dad and the animals and house. i guess i'm not used to responsibility; my mom took care of so much while i was sick and now i'm learning how to do it on my own.
i'm breathing a bit easier now. the freedom to be me is more important than just about anything. it's a problem i've always had; getting pulled into other people's gravitational fields or pulling them into mine and not knowing how to stop it. i want the freedom to be me under all circumstances. brian knew how to do that. he was always free.
i wish i had wireless access here so i could watch tv and blog because every time i have a new idea i rush over to the computer. it's so silly.
my mom's in florida, which is good. i like florida for vacation purposes but there's really not much else to do. the kitty is sitting on my shoulder and putting her hooks into my sweater and purring in my ear.
she's warm and soft. climbing up my arm and on the keyboard. my sweater is not a ladder! our old kitty jumped into our christmas tree once. it was wild. this kitty keeps grabbing onto my sweater and stepping on the keyboard, making the computer do different things. i feel like i'm playing a duet on a piano.
i don't realize how much i've lost until i get it back. just feeling human again, cuddling with a kitty and experiencing it, enjoying it, is so familiar but so new. damn it, kitty. all that seroquel keeps me away from this so i'm glad i'm on less. i'm starting abilify on monday but i'm not sure if it'll work because it didn't last time, though i'm "stable" now and wasn't then. that's such a laughable word. it means nothing to me but the doctors like it. what the f*ck do they know? they should take all the sh*t they prescribe and maybe they'd think twice about telling us to ignore the side effects that can be really bad. i've taken drugs that can interfere with my heartbeat, damage my vision, make my skin melt off and go deaf, thin my bones, make my gums recede, gain 50 pounds. on remeron and zyprexa i gained 50 pounds in no time at all. my heaviest was 195 pounds, my lightest was 123 pounds, on a food plan i liked but was too restrictive.
this kitty has such a beautiful brown-toned face with light blue eyes and dark brown ears. like a chocolate siamese cat. there is nothing in the world like feeling human, like feeling the sun on my skin and enjoying it, feeling alive. nothing in the world like it. i've been deprived of human company for too long.
i remember we went to hawaii when i was 16, and instead of spending the whole time in the waves or in the pool, i kept all my clothes in and slept on a chaise. so out of character. i wish my parents had noticed something was wrong then, but they didn't. i love the ocean (warm water, though, not like santa cruz) and i'm so glad we're going to hawaii after school's over. it makes me sad that it's so hard to afford it now, but i'm glad to be going back to kauai, where i have so many happy memories. i spentall day in the waves every time we go. i like to wash up on the shore with the waves and then get dragged back under the next ones and up to the beach again. way too much fun. in kauai it rains a lot, so jennifer and i would be hanging out in the waves, going up and down and up and down, and it would be sunny, then rain, then sun, then rain. we went parasailing, too! way too much fun. my mom went too, but my dad said he'd had too much of that shit in the army, but i'm not sure he jumped out of airplanes there, though he trained with the 101st Airborne. I'm in love with Stephen Ambrose's books about Easy Company.
we took my best childhood friend jennifer there after her dad passed, and it was so special.we spent a week in kauai and a week in maui, and then we went home and my parents went on to the big island to celebrate their wedding anniversary at the mauna kea, where they first honeymooned.
i'm just feeling so alive now, i don't know why, but i'll take it!
my dad told one of his usual funny jokes today. he said, "i'm not cheap, it's just that i have short arms and deep pockets." i wonder if it's from the great depression. a lot of his jokes are about money. there's a little ditty he sings that goes, "i'll be down to get you in a wheelbarrow honey; the taxi costs too darn much money."
ouch. the holes this kitty put in my shoulder kind of hurt. i'm just going to assume she doesn't have SARS or bird flu. animals, cats especially, bring me to life. this kitty looks at me with such intelligent eyes, as if she knows what i'm thinking, and i know what she's thinking. i actually think it's a boy cat but she seems female so that's how i'm interacting with her. poor thing.
there's this website called stuff on my cat.com and i have mixed feelings about it because when you look at their facial expressions, most of the cats look humiliated at having stuff put on them and then their pictures taken. our old cat could tell when we were laughing at him, and he looked very hurt.
i saw our christmas pictures from this year, when our kitty was so sick, and it was hard. i'm starting to look healthy in my pictures again. i first noticed a problem when i was 16, and i'm finally starting to emerge as myself a bit again. less seroquel helps with that. i wonder if tim is doing mass this easter?
will i ever get to be a kid? of course, i already am. i love this kitty so much, i wishcould take her home with me. she's jumping all around and sitting on me and my dad and sniffing him and trying to sit on my shoulder. i really need a cat in my life.
i feel off balance not being at school. housesitting is hard, too, though i appreciate the money, because i'm in two or three places at once and taking care of my dad and the animals and house. i guess i'm not used to responsibility; my mom took care of so much while i was sick and now i'm learning how to do it on my own.
i'm breathing a bit easier now. the freedom to be me is more important than just about anything. it's a problem i've always had; getting pulled into other people's gravitational fields or pulling them into mine and not knowing how to stop it. i want the freedom to be me under all circumstances. brian knew how to do that. he was always free.
i wish i had wireless access here so i could watch tv and blog because every time i have a new idea i rush over to the computer. it's so silly.
my mom's in florida, which is good. i like florida for vacation purposes but there's really not much else to do. the kitty is sitting on my shoulder and putting her hooks into my sweater and purring in my ear.
she's warm and soft. climbing up my arm and on the keyboard. my sweater is not a ladder! our old kitty jumped into our christmas tree once. it was wild. this kitty keeps grabbing onto my sweater and stepping on the keyboard, making the computer do different things. i feel like i'm playing a duet on a piano.
i don't realize how much i've lost until i get it back. just feeling human again, cuddling with a kitty and experiencing it, enjoying it, is so familiar but so new. damn it, kitty. all that seroquel keeps me away from this so i'm glad i'm on less. i'm starting abilify on monday but i'm not sure if it'll work because it didn't last time, though i'm "stable" now and wasn't then. that's such a laughable word. it means nothing to me but the doctors like it. what the f*ck do they know? they should take all the sh*t they prescribe and maybe they'd think twice about telling us to ignore the side effects that can be really bad. i've taken drugs that can interfere with my heartbeat, damage my vision, make my skin melt off and go deaf, thin my bones, make my gums recede, gain 50 pounds. on remeron and zyprexa i gained 50 pounds in no time at all. my heaviest was 195 pounds, my lightest was 123 pounds, on a food plan i liked but was too restrictive.
this kitty has such a beautiful brown-toned face with light blue eyes and dark brown ears. like a chocolate siamese cat. there is nothing in the world like feeling human, like feeling the sun on my skin and enjoying it, feeling alive. nothing in the world like it. i've been deprived of human company for too long.
i remember we went to hawaii when i was 16, and instead of spending the whole time in the waves or in the pool, i kept all my clothes in and slept on a chaise. so out of character. i wish my parents had noticed something was wrong then, but they didn't. i love the ocean (warm water, though, not like santa cruz) and i'm so glad we're going to hawaii after school's over. it makes me sad that it's so hard to afford it now, but i'm glad to be going back to kauai, where i have so many happy memories. i spentall day in the waves every time we go. i like to wash up on the shore with the waves and then get dragged back under the next ones and up to the beach again. way too much fun. in kauai it rains a lot, so jennifer and i would be hanging out in the waves, going up and down and up and down, and it would be sunny, then rain, then sun, then rain. we went parasailing, too! way too much fun. my mom went too, but my dad said he'd had too much of that shit in the army, but i'm not sure he jumped out of airplanes there, though he trained with the 101st Airborne. I'm in love with Stephen Ambrose's books about Easy Company.
we took my best childhood friend jennifer there after her dad passed, and it was so special.we spent a week in kauai and a week in maui, and then we went home and my parents went on to the big island to celebrate their wedding anniversary at the mauna kea, where they first honeymooned.
i'm just feeling so alive now, i don't know why, but i'll take it!
my dad told one of his usual funny jokes today. he said, "i'm not cheap, it's just that i have short arms and deep pockets." i wonder if it's from the great depression. a lot of his jokes are about money. there's a little ditty he sings that goes, "i'll be down to get you in a wheelbarrow honey; the taxi costs too darn much money."
ouch. the holes this kitty put in my shoulder kind of hurt. i'm just going to assume she doesn't have SARS or bird flu. animals, cats especially, bring me to life. this kitty looks at me with such intelligent eyes, as if she knows what i'm thinking, and i know what she's thinking. i actually think it's a boy cat but she seems female so that's how i'm interacting with her. poor thing.
there's this website called stuff on my cat.com and i have mixed feelings about it because when you look at their facial expressions, most of the cats look humiliated at having stuff put on them and then their pictures taken. our old cat could tell when we were laughing at him, and he looked very hurt.
i saw our christmas pictures from this year, when our kitty was so sick, and it was hard. i'm starting to look healthy in my pictures again. i first noticed a problem when i was 16, and i'm finally starting to emerge as myself a bit again. less seroquel helps with that. i wonder if tim is doing mass this easter?
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