i do things i don't like sometimes
sometimes i try to make others feel badly about themselves even though i don't want to.
i love the philosophy at RTS, where they believe that whatever trauma we haven't processed we pass along to others. so if i make someone feel badly, it means that i was made to feel that way at some point in my life and i'm passing it on. that's exactly right for me, and i hate it. so however my mom makes me feel, she was made to feel at some point in her life and she's passing it on to me because she hasn't processed it.
my doctor thinks he can just tell me to stop doing it, but i know that i have to figure out where it's coming from and unplug it from its source. my theory is that he's a really sensitive guy, so he has a tough exterior, and when i show vulnerability, sometimes his defenses pounce on it because he feels threatened. i love him, but it's hard to do tough emotional work sometimes.
more memories--when i was a kid, my dad and i would go driving in his convertible and he would let me shift gears. i miss that car and those days; i'm angry we had to sell that car for money. money's great except when you don't have it.
we'd put the roof down and go to the fish store every saturday to buy a new fish for the aquarium we kept together. we knew everybody at the fish store. i'm sad that i had to give that up to the illness and then we couldn't afford it.
my dad would get so upset when one of the fish died, and also when one of his flowers died. he likes to garden.
i had an aviary, too. i love parakeets, but it had to go when my parents built the second story. i believe that if we had paid off the mortgage instead of adding the second story, we could have kept the house. i'm angry at my parents for not managing their money better. they blame each other and that's irresponsible.
i've been questioning my euphoria lately cause i'm on less seroquel, but i know it's both environmental and a the illness. i had a really long talk with my doctor about it on friday. i'm on so much shit we're really trying to get me off some of it but it's so hard. i mean, a few MICROGRAMS less, ONCE A WEEK, can make the difference between getting out of bed or not. what's that sh*t about? a fucking nuisance, that's what. for the record, i am not spending, i am sleeping, and no risky behaviors.
so yeah, some studies are being published that have my data in it, like the STEP-BD study. way cool.
there's a line between telling my story and complaining, and once i've told my story the complaints go away. that's what healing is about for me.
i'm taking at RTS shift on Thursday, and I'm looking forward to it. I really miss RTS and the SAC meetings, but my life is somewhere else now.
i love the philosophy at RTS, where they believe that whatever trauma we haven't processed we pass along to others. so if i make someone feel badly, it means that i was made to feel that way at some point in my life and i'm passing it on. that's exactly right for me, and i hate it. so however my mom makes me feel, she was made to feel at some point in her life and she's passing it on to me because she hasn't processed it.
my doctor thinks he can just tell me to stop doing it, but i know that i have to figure out where it's coming from and unplug it from its source. my theory is that he's a really sensitive guy, so he has a tough exterior, and when i show vulnerability, sometimes his defenses pounce on it because he feels threatened. i love him, but it's hard to do tough emotional work sometimes.
more memories--when i was a kid, my dad and i would go driving in his convertible and he would let me shift gears. i miss that car and those days; i'm angry we had to sell that car for money. money's great except when you don't have it.
we'd put the roof down and go to the fish store every saturday to buy a new fish for the aquarium we kept together. we knew everybody at the fish store. i'm sad that i had to give that up to the illness and then we couldn't afford it.
my dad would get so upset when one of the fish died, and also when one of his flowers died. he likes to garden.
i had an aviary, too. i love parakeets, but it had to go when my parents built the second story. i believe that if we had paid off the mortgage instead of adding the second story, we could have kept the house. i'm angry at my parents for not managing their money better. they blame each other and that's irresponsible.
i've been questioning my euphoria lately cause i'm on less seroquel, but i know it's both environmental and a the illness. i had a really long talk with my doctor about it on friday. i'm on so much shit we're really trying to get me off some of it but it's so hard. i mean, a few MICROGRAMS less, ONCE A WEEK, can make the difference between getting out of bed or not. what's that sh*t about? a fucking nuisance, that's what. for the record, i am not spending, i am sleeping, and no risky behaviors.
so yeah, some studies are being published that have my data in it, like the STEP-BD study. way cool.
there's a line between telling my story and complaining, and once i've told my story the complaints go away. that's what healing is about for me.
i'm taking at RTS shift on Thursday, and I'm looking forward to it. I really miss RTS and the SAC meetings, but my life is somewhere else now.
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