it's so quiet here
it's so nice. and it's just me and the animals. i love it. i thrive on time to myself. i just love this little kitty with blue eyes who loves to be picked up. she's so trusting; she just flops around however i hold her; i can nuzzle her and snuffle (special diana cat thing) her.
i'm feeling a little off, actually; sad about the fact that everybody else seems to be married but me.
i don't intend to feel sorry for myself but i do have to get through all of this hurt and pain, and very often it feels like that's not possible; or it'll kill me if the illness doesn't first. no one really knows what it's been like. Dr* kind of does, but there was always a limit to how much he could help me. there's always been a limit to how much i can be helped.
i no longer believe that god threw me to the wolves; well, i almost never believe that anymore, but that's a far cry from what i used to believe about the world.
i don't think i'm angry; i'm just tired of feeling like a victim. i'm the only reason i'm here, and i shouldn't be here. i never should have made it this far. i'm here in spite of the illness, not because of it. i chose to fight to live another day, for years, believing there would be one, but sometimes there isn't.
i'm getting off track. i haven't taken my evening meds yet. i hate my evening meds. i would flush them down the toilet if i could, or grind them up and put them into the food of people i don't like (KIDDING).
i get so tired of fighting. it's so exhausting. even now that i'm "better" i still have so much to fight for. can't someone else take the burden for once? no, because it's mine. i've been chosen for this burden, this ball and chain and prometheus bound have my liver eaten every day only to grow back in the night shit.
the good news is that all this has gotten me crying. i can't heal without crying, and that's often hard. i'm getting engaged with the world again. it's not fair that the burden of healing falls to the victim, but it does.
Brian used to say that sometimes, bad things happened to good people for no reason, which surprised me, because he faith was so strong. he used to joke that he was God's favorite. he could get away with saying something like that!
i think i like blogging because it's the only space that's truly mine and i feel freer to be myself.
i'm feeling a little off, actually; sad about the fact that everybody else seems to be married but me.
i don't intend to feel sorry for myself but i do have to get through all of this hurt and pain, and very often it feels like that's not possible; or it'll kill me if the illness doesn't first. no one really knows what it's been like. Dr* kind of does, but there was always a limit to how much he could help me. there's always been a limit to how much i can be helped.
i no longer believe that god threw me to the wolves; well, i almost never believe that anymore, but that's a far cry from what i used to believe about the world.
i don't think i'm angry; i'm just tired of feeling like a victim. i'm the only reason i'm here, and i shouldn't be here. i never should have made it this far. i'm here in spite of the illness, not because of it. i chose to fight to live another day, for years, believing there would be one, but sometimes there isn't.
i'm getting off track. i haven't taken my evening meds yet. i hate my evening meds. i would flush them down the toilet if i could, or grind them up and put them into the food of people i don't like (KIDDING).
i get so tired of fighting. it's so exhausting. even now that i'm "better" i still have so much to fight for. can't someone else take the burden for once? no, because it's mine. i've been chosen for this burden, this ball and chain and prometheus bound have my liver eaten every day only to grow back in the night shit.
the good news is that all this has gotten me crying. i can't heal without crying, and that's often hard. i'm getting engaged with the world again. it's not fair that the burden of healing falls to the victim, but it does.
Brian used to say that sometimes, bad things happened to good people for no reason, which surprised me, because he faith was so strong. he used to joke that he was God's favorite. he could get away with saying something like that!
i think i like blogging because it's the only space that's truly mine and i feel freer to be myself.
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