Long Time Gone

this is neville chamberlain's quote about how we needn't worry about adolf hitler--that he's an ambitious politician but no one to worry about. oops. big miscalculation. it comes to mind for two reasons. the first is how i feel tonight--at peace. the second is that i'm reading about churchill's life during war II, and it is the mess created by chamberlain, in part, that churchill needed to mop up in the form of his leadership during war II. i love history.

Part II in Diana's series on why she forms certain kinds of bonds with people. it's like i need more from them than they can or should give, but it's only with certain people--with myself as the common denominator, it's clearly my issue. it's like at a certain point, i become vulnerable, and then i lose control. it's very frightening. and it's only with people to whom i allow myself to become vulnerable. by vulnerable, i think i mean that i begin to care about what they think of me. when i don't care what others think, i am somehow shielded from this vulnerability.

maybe it's time to start talking about my anger. it's frightening the change in perspective--pre-outburst versus post-outburst. pre-outburst i'm so enraged that i'll want to destroy anything within range, physically, verbally, or otherwise. sometimes i literally can't see for split seconds when i get mad, but i haven't been that mad in a long, long time. post-outburst, once i've injured someone (verbally) or something (physically), i feel terribly about it. it's like i regain my sanity and perspective and become sensitive to what i've done. then the regret and remorse come. it's funny how the two states are mutually exclusive, polar opposites, in a sense. in one state i literally cannot imagine what the other state is like. how to bridge the gap--i don't know if it's a question of simply not getting as angry--but i don't believe in suppressing emotion--or how to handle it better. i'm learning--i've always known, but i kee

it just does. there is no way around it. i choose life, though, and that means diving in sometimes. so often, i have to make mistakes in order to learn, "collateral damage" not withstanding. and i don't mean that lightly; i hate when other people get hurt because of something i've done. I always say that there isn't anything that can happen to us that we can't recover from. when it gets really bad, i have to remember that, and know that things have been hard before, they'll be hard again, and that i can do it. i can and will get through "it," whatever "it" is, no matter how much it hurts. the pain cannot kill me. most importantly, though, i don't want to repeat my mistakes. i want to learn from each one and become a better person so i can have a better life, be a better citizen of the world, and, ultimately, be happier. that's what it's all about--if i'm not happy, something is not working. i think the milk

This is a "hello" to HJ, a fellow cellmate in Ethel Moore last year, and for this coming semester (I cannot believe the revolving door of graduation has begun already!).

i cannot stand the judgmentalism and cruelty with which "older" women are often treated in this culture. i'm not even going to define "older." in some industries, it's anyone over 30. for others, it's whenever the first wrinkle appears. it's just disgusting. aging happens; don't hold people personally responsible for it and don't attack their character. i was perusing a website called Cult News because it sounded interesting, and it tears madonna apart for showing signs of "aging." ridiculous. in other cultures, there is something called "respect," which is generally accorded to those older than ourselves, whereby we do not hold against them the effects of time. look into it, mainstream america. this is one piece of the larger problem that is misogyny, of course.

no, not really, but i think it's a cute take-off of the song "You're the One that I Want" from the musical Grease. it's also the title of a movie by Margaret Cho. the point is that i don't know what i want. i've been floundering all week, sleeping till 1pm, not getting anything done. well, i registered for classes, paid bills, got the car washed, got gas, did laundry, but other than that, not much. i just feel like i'm floundering. oh well. i guess that's ok, since next week i'll have the structure of going to classes and looking for a job. i'm taking my dad to the barber this afternoon, and hopefully to ice cream after that. P.S. Lappert's at Rancho is no longer Lappert's! It's Dreyers! They use high fructose corn syrup!

fairly often, i'll post something late at night, say between 11pm and 2am, only to wake up the next morning and find it not so funny or interesting. i attribute this to my judgment shift, which can occur at night since my daily bipolar cycle renders me comatose in the morning and "revved up" at bedtime. certain things seem funny at times which don't make sense in hindsight. i don't like that. Bipolar Info

apparently not. my sleep schedule has been completely reversed this week. i've been waking up at 1pm, if not later, each day. harumph! oh, by the way, this is my 704th post on this blog, which marks an exciting milestone--700+ posts and going strong! also the title of one of my favorite childhood books. Goodnight Moon

al Qaeda has released a fancy little tape containing their newest message for the West. there must be a little, tiny pocket of Terrorist Hollywood somewhere in Pakistan (or Tempe, AZ--if he's not in Pakistan, he must be right under our noses!) where these characters go to pose for the camera and get some film editing done.

CNN forced him to include the Star Jones interview on 360 tonight. What gives Cooper three cheers tonight, however, and perhaps what indicates the limit of CNN's influence over his show is the unabashedly grim tone of voice he used to introduce the segment about Jones, leaving no doubt in viewers' minds as to how he feels about having to taint his show with coverage of soap operas about soap opera talk shows.

According to Woody Allen, I suspect. I don't know if he was as lasciviously attracted to Keaton as he is to Johansson, but Johansson does seem to be his new muse--see "Match Point" and his new, upcoming film starring her whose title I cannot remember. Marrying his adoptive daughter was one thing, but asking Johansson questions like when she lost her virginity while on set for "Match Point" catapults him into an new stratosphere of YUCK. This raises an important question--when do we boycott films directed by people who have done some really questionable things? For example, an acquaintance of mine refuses to see any of Roman Polanski's films because he is a convicted rapist. Are there people who boycott Woody Allen's films because he showed amorous interest in his offspring? I saw and loved "The Pianist," even though I know about Polanski's conviction. Someone else won't, though. What makes the difference?

taking 200mg of wellbutrin sr in the morning feels like a shot in the arm, one that i'm not sure i like. the alternative, of course, is going back to taking meds three times a day. we'll see. bought a journal today at Books Inc.; it's nice to always have one with me so i can write whenever the mood strikes, especially if i end up somewhere boring; it's a good way to pass the time.

a necessary evil. it's like watercolor: if you get too much water on your brush, the color will seep through the lines inside of which you're trying to paint. that's like me and boundaries, always struggling to stay inside of them--like interpersonal osmosis. how to fix this? what do i need to do to heal from whichever emotional "owie" is causing them? having my boundaries constantly violated, verbally, and occasionally physically. the answer hit me (no pun intended at all) over dinner, as i observed my body language change in reaction to who was in the room, when, saying what, how it made me feel, etc.

Plenty of affordable things that I don't need. I left empty-handed today, fortunately, though it's so tempting to "stock up" on cheap items I probably wouldn't use for a couple of years.

i think that citizens should have the right to burn our flag, if they're stupid and ungrateful enough as to be so inclined. that seems in keeping with our "freedom of expression" rhetoric, which i happen to believe in and be grateful for. as someone said about Prince Harry, when he was stupid enough as to dress as a Nazi for Halloween one year, "The silly boy is so daft he doesn't even understand the ramifications of what he's done." I bought my dad a book about the Wright Brothers and Time magazine's issue with Teddy Roosevelt on the cover. It gives me endless pleasure to make my dad smile. anyone who knows our family and feels comfortable doing so, please try to persuade my mom to let my dad adopt a cat. it's the perfect companion for him, and he really wants one.

we have an epidemic of sex offenders. the statistics tell us so. they should receive one life term for every count against them. anything else is "cruel and unusual" for the rest of us. slave labor, chain gangs, whatever--put those bastards to work and never let them see the light of day again.

a house without a cat is not a home. my dad wants a cat; i want him to have a cat, my mom is being fussy about it. the benefits far outweigh the costs--my dad is getting older, spends lots of time home alone--a cat would be a perfect companion for him.

It's Wolf "Blitzer," but with a name like that, he must be used to some teasing. I was going to say Wolf [Battle of Britain]er, since I'm reading a book about Churchill during the 1930's, but that probably wouldn't be funny at all ("The Blitz" was also known as "The Battle of Britain," if I'm not mistaken).

doesn't South Africa have a committee like that? wouldn't it be cool if our government would be ingenious enough to think up something like that and carry through with it?

it's funny how much attention and adulation he's getting with his improbable box-office hit. ironic, isn't it, that he couldn't get much of either of those when he actually wanted it, i.e. during his failed election attempt? Al Gore Caught Warming Globe To Increase Box Office Profits Al Gore Caught Warming Globe To Increase Box-Office Profits

i had the strangest dream last night; that i got my cell phone mixed up with my cousin's husband's cell phone and couldn't dial anyone, that my laptop computer was programmed only to use the spanish-language keyboard so i couldn't access my email, that i designed an aviary at the school i went to and adopted some pet birds i couldn't take care of properly, that my car was driving unsafely but i couldn't figure out why and couldn't fix it, that i had PMS mood swings that i'd never had before... stranger than fiction or real life. i just woke up and have that i'm-still-asleep-and-dreaming feeling--the "hangover without the hangover." i agreed to spend the day with my mom and cousin, and backed out at the last minute. i HATE when i do that. makes me feel like a bad person. i couldn't get out of bed, to start with, but i also have anxiety about how much stuff i have to do and didn't want to commit to spending the entire day out. i

and i don't regret having done so, nuclear fallout notwithstanding. i wouldn't change a thing.

poor thing. i think she's flailing about, utterly lost, desperate for something solid to hold onto, but she has absolutely no idea how to create a normal life for herself. she's dug quite a deep hole and seems to have no idea whatsoever how to get out. in the meantime, the press is doing everything it can to tear her down while she's at her most vulnerable. i don't think she's stupid or bad; i think she was exploited her entire life and has no idea how to achieve anything approaching normalcy. she has very little formal education, and has destroyed her public image, which was pretty much all she had to start with--an image, which is a house of cards waiting to be blown down. federline is a slimeball, the sooner she realizes that and gets rid of him, the better. that should be her first step.

I now feel that we should leave Iraq, effective immediately. It's time to come home and stop draining the domestic coffers of every last cent that would better be spent on healthcare, Social Security, and public education. It's time to leave Iraq's fate up to the beleaguered Iraqis; if they can't make it on their own, then our staying there is only delaying the inevitable. The cost-to-benefit ratio of remaining an occupying force has tipped toward the negative column, especially given the multi-billion dollar spending package that Congress just approved for the Pentagon and the Iraq and Afghanistan "conflicts." I've had it with watching our domestic woes increase, our international reputation slump, and the sectarian violence in Iraq increase.

I'm glad to see Rosie O'Donnell return to the land of the daytime talk show; I think she's good at it. She seemed to need time to deal with her angry "I'm-a-lesbian-and-tired-of-being-closeted-and-forced-into-pretending-i'm-in-love-with-tom-cruise" issues. Now she seems to be in fine form to take over from the ridiculous Star Jones on the preposterous girl/woman gabfest "The View." The only version of that show worth airing, in my opinion, is the spoof of it from SNL, staring Rachel Dratch, Amy Poehler, Tina Fey and Maya Rudolph. And what is with Barbara Walters' piranha-like (or ill-tempered sea-bass-like?), ice-cold, on-air barring of Jones from ever returning to the show? Walters must be more shark-like than her front teeth would suggest. It's funny--the musical chairs of high-profile network personalities that is taking place, precipitated, most likely, by Katie Couric's pathlogically cheerful departure from wherever she was (

Al Gore's new documentary about climate change gives one the subjective feeling of being lopped in the stomach by the unpleasant and heretofore ignored reality that our planet is transforming irrevocably into something that will be uninhabitable if we don't take the necessary and very reasonable steps NOW as outlined by a stone-faced Gore in the film to reverse the damage and prevent future destruction. Oh, and everyone, please keep a close eye on the Supreme Court as they decide whether, in their "legal" opinions, carbon dioxide levels contribute to global warming or not--ask anyone with a third grade education and they'll confirm that they do, but our President thinks otherwise. Rather than mandating that industry reduce its emissions, Bush thinks it should be "voluntary." Yes, and I think that we should use the honor system with regard to sex offenders! Brilliant idea, Mr. President! Someone get a hook and drag that man out of the Oval Office. He t

Today was a bad brain day, which I attribute to my Wellbutrin change. I hope I got the dose right when I re-organized my pills last night. I should still be taking 425mg, but I divide it in half, 200 (150mg plus half of a 100mg) in the morning and 225 (150mg plus three quarters of a 100mg) at bedtime. My mind has been racing all day, and I have not trusted my judgment. We'll see what tomorrow brings.

Of all of our human weaknesses, the one most assisted by religion, in my opinion, is our need to feel as though we are on the right side, that our way is the only way, that we are right and fortunate and everyone else is wrong and unfortunate. In all fairness, I know people who benefit from organized religion, and I'd like to recognize that their experiences are real and valid. Now I feel the need to be right much of the time without the assistance of religion, so I'm really not one to talk, but I will anyway. This is a common pitfall for much of organized religion, if you ask me. Anyone who claims to have the last word on what God says or believes is not credible, in my view. I took an entire class in college on the way people in positions of power manipulate religion to suit their ends. Militant Islam condemns "non-believers" and calls the USA "The Great Satan," ironic, since a majority of Americans are Christian in one form or another and would probably

as usual. watching a wretched show called "48 hours mystery" about some poor woman killed by her husband, waiting for my hour of political satire to begin at 11pm, with Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert. i think i should apply to be a hostess at a fancy restaurant so i can earn money on friday and saturday nights.

were Iran's president and North Korea's Kim Jong Il born as twins, united in evil, and separated at birth? they seem to be using the same tactic with regard to the US and their nuclear programs--wanting to talk, not wanting to talk, resuming uranium enrichment, not resuming uranium enrichment, offering concessions, demanding concessions...

not literally, of course, but I am taking two online geography classes from Foothill that should bring welcome relief from my intellectual boredom and boost my fairly modest knowledge of world geography. i cannot stand the insularity that an American education brings with it. It will help with my education, too, since as an International Relations major, I should have some idea of what the rest of the world looks like, and the cultures, languages, and economic conditions that go with it.

a warm welcome to those of you visiting from Beth's writing group! I don't write about mental illness as much as I used to here--you can find entries in the archives--but maybe I should, in the interest of fighting the stigma and promoting the truth about bipolar. maybe it's incumbent upon me, even though i'm feeling better, to stay in touch with my bipolar roots and the community that brought me back to life, and continue the education and the fight and the awareness campaign that we each need to cope with the illness. i've seen the toll the stigma takes countless times on countless faces throughout years of attending and moderating mood disorder support groups. other people's fear and ignorance are not burdens we should have to bear. Don't forget about "The Awakenings Journal," which contains poetry and prose from persons living with mental illness. Patty Duke has her own blog about bipolar; I think you can enter "bipolar" into the se

In the Bay Area, if the air quality is poor, it's officially called a "Spare the Air Day." It makes the news, and everyone is encouraged to find other means of transportation--walking, biking, taking public transportation. In Southern California, when the air quality is bad, people talk about how nice it is outside. it's funny how Californians are so antagonistic toward their geographic counterparts; the two regions are incredibly different and not in ways we tend to embrace. The Bay Area is completely dominated by the computer industry, while Southern California really isn't dominated by one particular industry--the entertainment business is very visible, of course, but it is no match, dominance-wise, for the "Silicon Valley-ization" of the Bay Area. It was such a relief not to hear the word "software" even once while I was visiting SoCal.

i remember that feeling of free-falling into an abyss, with nothing to stop me. it usually begins with confusion and suspicion, leading to paranoia while retaining hope. every loss reminds me of previous losses. funny how they all start to look like each other. i've had dreams about pomona lately. dreams where i could never get where i needed to go, where no one was ever willing to help me, where people sneered at my requests for information or advice. i've had dreams of feeling unwelcome there, that no one really cared i was there. i dream about the harvey mudd campus and their cafeteria, and wonder why i feel no more at home at my own school than as a visitor at mudd.

when it doesn't feel that way. love is not words; it is what radiates outward from your innermost furnace and deepest corners. you should feel bathed in it, not chilled or locked out.

in this one, i attend stanford's creative writing group for people with mood disorders, which i can't recommend highly enough. most of my best writing i wrote in that class. some of it i can't find, which is really frustrating. i'd put some of it up here if i could find it. my best stuff comes from the anti-analytical part of my mind--when i'm not actively "thinking," but when i just put down whatever comes to mind. it's a shame i'm majoring in subjects that require analysis--the brain is such a second class citizen when compared to the heart. for me, intelligence is just the icing on the cake, and intelligent people are only as interesting or valuable as their souls really are. einstein realized that, which is why i admire him so much. he said that "imagination is more important than intelligence." on second thought, i would not have deleted many of the things i'd written here--some of my more vulnerable thoughts and grief i w

In my mind's eye is the image of the space shuttle launching, when the fire under the rockets is ignited and the whole thing slowly starts to rise out of the launch pad on its way to space. that's what believing in myself is--the fire underneath. the creative writing class at stanford meets tomorrow. i hope i can get out of bed in time and once out of bed, remember to go. my dad and i had more than one conversation today about which day it was. i think we finally decided it was monday. i cleaned my room today, ridding my life of unnecessary "stuff," in preparation for whatever lies ahead. i can't speak highly enough of Mark Bowden, who was the guest on Colbert's show tonight. Colbert had him tied in knots conversationally, and the author was quick to laugh, which is another quality i love--smart, accomplished people who aren't afraid to be silly and give credit to others' humor. Bowden wrote "Black Hawk Down" and his new book is "

Sorry fans; I know there are many L.A. worshippers out there, but i was disappointed with Lance Armstrong's appearance on "The Daily Show" tonight. He put down Jon Stewart a couple of times, and that wasn't very nice. He also takes himself a bit too seriously, which i'm always quick to recognize in others, since i do that too. I'm not sure if he was trying to play the super-cool jock type, or whether being that amazing an athlete simply brings that out in people, but I'm not sure what Sheryl Crowe saw in him.

the above quote is from Jon Stewart's "The Daily Show." he was talking about how CNN seems full of scare tactics these days, which is funny, since the same thought occured to me last night as i was watching an ad for their upcoming "Oh My God, What If Another Plane Blows Up the Way TWA 800 Did?!" the title is actually mine, but the premise of the commercial for this upcoming "special" is that since TWA Flight #800 exploded, how do we know that our next flight won't? of all the things to be worrying about, CNN! honestly! bring back Christiane Amanpour to debate various guests on the best way to pronounce "Iran" and "Iraq!"

Jon Stewart's guest on a re-run of "The Daily Show" earlier tonight was the ever-pleasant Anderson Cooper, who has a shy and cute laugh when not anchoring his own show. During the transition from Stewart's show to Colbert's show, Colbert rotated slowly around in his chair in a parody of Anderson Cooper's show, which is called "360." No sooner does the audience start to laugh when Stewart remarks how clever Colbert is to think of rotating all the way around in his seat to imitate Cooper's show's name. Upon hearing this, Colbert stops rotating with his back to the camera, sternly saying, "I'm only rotating 180 degrees, Jon, because I feel that Anderson only covers half the issue." It was much funnier on TV than it is here, I'm sure. Colbert finishes by slowly rotating back almost to facing the camera, saying, "Well, I'll give him 358 degrees." Anyway, Anderson was promoting his new book, of course, and whe

didn't take long at all for the boredom and loneliness to set in, not helped by the fact that i only ate refined carbs today, which invariably settles me into depression and low-blood-sugar-ness. nothing to do tonight. i would go out to a movie, but can't afford to. none of my friends live around here anymore. classes start next week, but i won't meet anyone that way. the only jobs i can think of are tutoring and temping, both of which i despise and will only increase my loneliness. should go to new orleans with the red cross. "In this whole world there's nobody as lonely as she, there's nowhere to go and there's nowhere that she'd rather be...fly away..." ("Fly Away")

i can see myself double-majoring in International Relations and Literary and Cultural Studies, graduating in the spring, and hopefully interning at some pretty meaningful/interesting places this year to prepare for the real world. this summer i should probably do some temp work, since i'm only here for another two months, and maybe some tutoring at the place where i used to work; they use short-term people, too. i really want to spend the bulk of my time researching jobs and internships and applying, to put myself in the strongest possible position come graduation. i also want to exercise more and do more of my own cooking. i have a lot of "shoulds" to do today: i "should" go to the apple store, call so-and-so, etc. i'll just try to do the next right thing and not overwhelm myself. my hair is falling out like mad; maybe i should reconsider going back on the zinc/selenium and using rogaine.

in junior high, during Gulf War I, we'd joke about how Saddam's name should be pronounced "So Damn Insane," rather than "Saddam Hussein." not that funny, really, it just came to mind when i read that Saddam ended his "hunger strike" after missing just one meal. apparently, he was protesting his "treatment" or lack thereof by whomever is officially in charge of his ridiculous trial; probably us. oh, and a third defense lawyer of his was just murdered. with such virulent anti-american sentiment in iraq these days, it's a wonder his defense lawyers are being killed; i would have thought that even saddam had a few friends lying around (no pun intended).

forget about "The Greatest Generation," Tom Brokaw, my dad proclaims this "The Elongated Generation." We were talking about re-doing the downstairs bathroom and we all agreed on the importance of the taller and slightly longer-sized toilets for tall folk like ourselves, when my dad said something silly about how we are an elongated, i.e. long-boned, generation.

and how divine it is. surrounded by the warmth and love of my parents; i appreciate them in a new way. they're so excited to see me, especially my dad, who practically jumped out of his chair when i came in. he's making his usual delightful jokes with his mild sense of humor--I'll put some of them up here. my mom is full of stories about the old neighborhood and the office and her newest home improvement project: picking out tile for the fireplace and entryway floor. i feel calm and clear and relieved to be home. living with other people my own age was fun, though.

one of my all-time favorite SNL sketches, along with Will Ferrell's "Jeopardy!" some recurring sketches were brilliant just once. Ferrell's "Actor's Studio" was usually hilarious. Anytime Christopher Walken has hosted I'd cry with laughter at least once per show. And Alec Baldwin, of all people, has made some brilliant appearances (see "Inside the Actor's Studio"). I also enjoyed Seth Myers' reality game show, where contestants would get carried away with their assignments and start killing people, etc., while Myers would continue with his inappropriately cheerful gameshow host facade. I loved "Drunk Girl," which only lasted one season, since the actor who portrayed her mysteriously vanished. I also loved the "Spyglass" sketch, featuring Amy Poehler and Seth Myers, for its linguistic brilliance. And who can forget "The Planets With Harry Caray," as portrayed by Will Ferrell, with "guest" sc

this is terribly subjective, so please don't leave comments about how much you hate it now or how much better it was back when...i probably already agree with you. My point is that there are so many new people (Bill Hader) that older cast members like Will Forte and Seth Myers get lost in the shuffle, even though they have plenty to contribute. Andy Samberg has somehow taken a Jimmy Fallon-like lead in his very first season. And the leading ladies (Maya Rudolph, Amy Poehler, Rachel Dratch) finally have some competition, with the arrival of the first new female cast member in a long time. She did a painfully hilarious send-up of Judy Garland several episodes back. I wonder if that means Tina Fey is leaving, as so many have speculated. Speaking of female talent, I have never seen Rachel Dratch so under-used as she has been this past season. A real loss, in my opinion. At least Finesse Mitchell accepts that he's having a rough time and makes fun of it. Kenan Thompson someho

is one of my favorite songs, by one of my favorite singers, john denver. after two weeks in socal, i'm headed home. it's the right thing to do. feels like it's been longer than two weeks. i feel better, but i'm also sad. sometimes doing the right thing is hard, and sometimes i put off doing the right thing, but it hurts to delay the inevitable. sometimes i don't know what the inevitable is until it smacks me across the face. this summer is also about me figuring myself out, which i've been unable to do until now. i feel quite a sense of relief. i am so relieved to be leaving, and to be leaving behind all the old [emotional] clutter that's been clogging up my mental arteries for so long. no more hurt or pain or rejection. now i know that all of my feelings are valid.

did not like my internship today. the guy was weird. not much opportunity. one day in beverly hills is enough, it turns out. that much traffic and gas aren't worth it. i don't need or want to be famous. i just want to work with interesting people and have lots of opportunities to grow and do new things.

on s'amuse avec francais? one of the reasons i did well in french over the years is because it was so much fun to goof off; plus we had the funnest kids in class.

it really is no fun whatsoever to rip hair out of other people while they are writhing around. that isn't actually what goes on, thankfully, but it really is no fun at all to cause other people pain, even when they request waxing.

sorry for the lewd title; I'm watching "The Daily Show" with Jon Stewart and found the phrase funny. don't remember the specific reference, though. i still think he's overrated, in favor of "The Colbert Report."

with a starbucks every 50 feet, it seems.

i've been "hired" at my internship! i start tomorrow at 10:30am! very exciting. my title is "Literary Intern," and i will be working at a literary agency in Beverly Hills, of all places. the office building is beautiful--probably 80 or so years old, spanish colonial style. the madness of rodeo drive is right below! there is an arthur murray dance studio there; i wonder if i could get a job teaching dance there? massage therapy somewhere?

this is the term used by those in the entertainment industry to describe a synopsis and analysis of a screenplay or novel, which is usually done by an intern or entry-level employee to save the literary agent the time of going over every single manuscript that is submitted. I am currently doing coverage for John Updike's new novel "Terrorist" as a kind of audition for this internship.

wow! i cannot believe that my dear childhood friend, jennifer, is expecting a baby! how exciting. it seems like just yesterday that she and i were riding "big wheels" around and around on her deck in los altos, or that we were waiting for her younger brother, scott, to walk down the hall so we could drop things on him. sorry, scott. or having pancake breakfasts and sleepovers and tormenting the neighbors and going to tahoe with our families or playing barbies... anyway, jen's baby shower is coming up. i've never been to a baby shower! i just know that i want her and alan's baby to come into the world with as much love as she and i came into the world. i want their baby to know and experience all of the love and special attention that she and i enjoyed growing up. that is my wish and my prayer, and i know it will come true! this is the first time anyone really close to me has expected a baby. i'm so incredibly excited; it means so much. my mom thinks i

grouch grouch grouch. spent all day inside reading. terribly bored. hope to find out about internship soon. summer school? job? teaching dance? ??? i can't do much without money, and paying down credit card balances feels really good.

her new single and video are atrocious. there is no reason why she should be earning so much money. in fact, i think she should pay for every person 65 and over's medical care. that's a much better use for her earnings than to waste them on such a dreadful individual who does nothing for anyone else. it's like throwing money into a black hole.

zaftig |ˈzäftig; -tik| (also zoftig) adjective informal (of a woman) having a full, rounded figure; plump. ORIGIN 1930s: Yiddish, from German saftig ‘juicy.’

ersatz |ˈerˌsäts; -ˌzäts; erˈzäts| adjective (of a product) made or used as a substitute, typically an inferior one, for something else : ersatz coffee. • not real or genuine : ersatz emotion. See note at spurious . ORIGIN late 19th cent.: from German, literally ‘replacement.’

tell that to whomever manufactures it! i switched from standard release to extended release, which meant that I could take my meds just twice a day, rather than three times, which is pretty annoying. as soon as i started the XL, however, i began to feel depressed. now i've switched back to the good old generic standard release, and i'm pretty sure i'm feeling a bit better. today is a bit better than yesterday was, which was better than the day previous. i can begin to feel my personality start to insert itself again, which is always a good sign. it's a hot day here in diamond bar, and it's just andrew and i at the house. we're both on our computers; i'm going to do some reading and freaking out about my financial aid package, which really isn't much of a disaster, i just like to get angry at the system because it makes me feel like i am right. must remember to print out and mail my medical waiver and deposit my check.

you don't, of course, but that's the point. in many countries, you have to "like" the government whether you want to or not. that's not the case here, and people can't stop bellyaching about how our government is awful and we aren't "free" enough. the way we know we are free is that we can complain. what an ungrateful question, from one of the Dixie Chicks. why is it, that in the freest country in the world, people ask such stupid questions as this? how can they take what we have for granted? not understand that the very fact we CAN ask such questions and remain free is a right that the majority of the people in the world today and most of those who ever lived do not and have not had? such ignorance. i don't take our constitution for granted. the very fact we can ask questions such as those is a testament to the freedoms we have and that others do not. i am a patriot, and proud of it. this does not mean that i support the nra (i don&#

a dear friend of our family, of many years, has been diagnosed with a recurrence of a most grave form of cancer. we are terribly saddened at the news, and wish our friend and her family much comfort in the weeks and months to come. we love them so, so much. today was Father's Day, one of the best days of the year, but it was a huge blow to my parents, in particular, to receive this news. i cannot stand to see them sad. when the people we've known all our lives begin to ail and even pass on, i realize how fragile my world is, that it is made up of people who will all eventually pass on. my life is comprised of people who love me and of fond and loving memories. it's the substance of my heart and the legs i stand on.

when and how will i learn to appreciate it and love myself for it? a friend used to say that "i had not realized my power" yet. i think she means that i haven't yet seen the light, seen myself for who i truly am, recognized and grabbed hold of all that i have. i don't have that sense of confidence that i think would come if i could see myself in that light.

one of my favorite things to say when confronted with a situation in which there is too much pretense or attitude and not enough "oomph," or substance, to back it up.

i discovered waxing my sophomore year in college. i can't recommend it highly enough, and i've even started waxing friends! P.S. it's much cheaper to do it at home. i figured that out after years of paying way too much at salons. you can buy all the supplies at beauty supply stores.

apply for internships for the fall! Barbara Boxer, Dianne Feinstein, and Gavin Newsom's offices; newspaper stuff too, Commonwealth Club. ideally, a paying job (massage?) plus a non-paying but interesting internship. massage therapy jobs in/around Oakland, Piedmont, Berkeley. i think i've determined my classes, and will major in International Relations and/or Literary and Cultural Studies. I'd really like to be able to bring my bed to school, but would have to hire movers and currently do not have the money to do that.

absquatulate |abˈskwä ch əˌlāt| verb [ intrans. ] humorous leave abruptly : some overthrown dictator who had absquatulated to the U.S.A. DERIVATIVES absquatulation |abˌskwä ch əˈlā sh ən| noun ORIGIN mid 19th cent.: blend, simulating a Latin form, of abscond, squattle [depart,] and perambulate.

i am the luckiest girl in the world to be the daughter of Don Galbraith, who is universally admired by friends, family, and colleagues for being who he is. I love him to pieces. he is my best friend.

inhaling a good book feels as delicious to my brain as a flower-scented Hawaiian morning does to the senses.

and I wish I had some of his hilarious quotes to put here. he was on leno when we were in hawaii and my mom and i were laughing hysterically at his imitations of a drunk car (ethanol fuel). his mind moves so quickly but his thinking is well organized which i why i do not believe he has bipolar, as many people are quick to conclude (he wouldn't be funny if it was just manic gibberish). he did an imitation of what he thought an answering machine message left by a tribe in africa that speaks in clicks would sound like. not terribly culturally sensitive, but i just about died of laughter.

"Happy Christmas!" "that's bloody awful." "i'm in a right state." "Bollocks!" "He's quite a bloke." "You've been sacked!" "How very sporting of you!" "Bloody hell, Harry!" "Are you mad?!"

and Winston Churchill one of its cherubs. what i mean by this dreadfully mixed metaphor is that i love language, i think churchill was brilliant with language, and that i think he looked like a cherub.

I'm not a yoga instructor, but if I was, that's what I would tell my students. it's funny how people focus so much on the end result, or how they "look" in yoga class, or who is "better" at it than they are. i guess it's a western concept to worry about end results and appearance. it's the antithesis of yoga, though. i respect teachers who emphasize going at our own pace and not comparing ourselves to others.

much the way walking down a sidewalk in Manhattan is. i spent two hours in traffic coming back from Beverly Hills today. here, it's almost like sitting on a freeway is its very own institution, a rite of passage; or a cultural space, if we're going to get post-colonial about it.

i'm so excited! i had a really good experience at my interview today. the man was nice, and i felt fairly comfortable being myself even though i was nervous. we talked a bit, about what he's done and what i've done; he explained a bit about the position and showed me around. sounds fairly low-key, but super fun. a great way to get some exposure to the entertainment industry down here in LA. i'm not interested in becoming famous, but sure it'd be fun to learn the names of the studios and various directors and stuff. the building it's in is really pretty in a charming, old, "with character" kind of way. people seemed much more friendly than i'm used to from the Bay Area. i guess it's the lack of intellectual arrogance (and probably excessive amounts of silicon implants and bleached hair, too!).k anyway, i've been given an "audition" (assignment) for this man to make sure i understand what he wants, but he seems pretty confid

being a journalist has some appeal--i like to study current events and write about them. i also love to travel and see other parts of the world. i don't know where to get started, though.

to my astonishment (but perhaps i shouldn't be, since i never give myself enough credit), i got a response from one of my internship applications. a nice man from a literary agency in beverly hills, with whom i'd corresponded earlier in the year about the same position. he sounds remarkably down to earth for someone working in beverly hills. i am terrified to call, as he had asked me to. it was suggested to me that i call at 8am, which sounded like the best advice, but i have such a hard time getting up in the morning and sound so groggy and "hung over," which of course is never the case, it's my medication; i didn't want to call right at 8am, plus i was simply so nervous and fearful. so i called at 9:30am, and a nice guy answered the phone. i am so awkward and uncomfortable with this stuff. the illness killed my confidence, and my timing is still off, so i never know when to start talking and when to stop. plus i talk too fast and don't enunciate, s

so to speak. Pomona almost seemed like a luxurious wonderland to me when i visited yesterday, given where i've been since leaving. i cannot believe what privilege i enjoyed back then and how i had no idea of it. i was just so completely miserable; i could not see any of the colors on the campus, the beautiful old buildings with character to them, etc. the whole thing was just so bland through my diseased eyes. it looked so beautiful yesterday. all i could think about was how i did not want to be there. all i've thought about since is how i'd give anything to have been there without the illness, how being at a good school like that one, even though it's not really what i wanted, is so much better than being mentally ill for years and years with no social life and living at home which is exactly the last place in the world i wanted to be. honestly. in comparison, pomona looked like paradise. when i left pomona, i had no idea what lay in store. looking back, i miss

memories cannot be excavated. we can return to the physical location, but never to the time. I stepped foot on Pomona College's campus today for the first time since leaving in spring of 1998, mental illness and unjust academic probation in hand.

Wow. Religious differences can hurt. I don't like feeling deep rifts with people I care about over matters of religion. It really upsets me. Why? Because they are matters of right and wrong--who is right and who is wrong, and how that is determined. I think people in general have a fundamental need to be right, myself included. I don't want that to become a weakness, though. I know it is one for me, and I know that people have been murdered and tortured over it for millenia, too. How to disagree with friends so that they feel respected, but that I feel respected too, that I'm not denigrating my own beliefs? I don't even know what many of my beliefs are. I am untested in many arenas, owing to bipolar and its attendant limitations. I will not stoop to defending people I already admire. They do not defense. Who is right and who is wrong is not up to me or anyone else to determine. That is my opinion on the matter. Also, this isn't about me. I'd like t

my one and only home. i wake up in the morning sometimes, disoriented, thinking i'm in my old room, with my old furniture and closet doors. i'm on a trip, and i think of home and picture my old room, not either of the two places in which we've lived since leaving. at christmas, i see our tree and the trains and the fireplace in our old house. i hear the trains moving around the tracks, hear the fire crackling, see the lights blinking on the tree. when it was really quiet, i could hear the little bulbs going on and off. i would turn all the room lights off, so the fireplace, the lights on the tree, and the little ceramic light-up houses under the tree were the only illumination. i see the gallery and living room filled with guests, people we've known for years and loved and who love us. I hear the happy chatter of people having fun, with soft christmas music in the background. the family room and kitchen are filled with food and coats and purses and sometimes with g

a spiritual problem requires a spiritual solution. a house with walls that lean in toward each other will collapse. for me, relationships look like two parallel lines that never cross. that's what keeps them safe and intimate and real and non-destructive. it's when we begin to grab at other people's roots and lend them our own that things get complicated. intimacy comes from having boundaries, not removing them.

get out your DSM's, everyone. for me, obsessing over something or someone results in compulsive behavior, which is a loss of control. yuck. a solution? i think it needs to be unhooked from within; the root cause must be discovered. and i'm not talking about regular OCD; that to me is a biological thing; i'm talking about an emotional "owie" that was never healed.

and it's about me, and no one else. it's funny how focusing on myself in the right ways makes me less self-centered in the wrong ways. i just know that i want to be whole. period. and not cause damage in anyone's life. i tend to latch onto certain people, obsess about them, and fall to pieces when it doesn't work out the way i wanted it to (michael, sami, nate, tim, dan (2 dan's!)...). it's a deeply-set pattern that i finally want to deal with and get past. i've tried to address it for years unsuccessfully. i have a huge sense of abandonment, and the feeling that i will die if people leave me, like the rug is being pulled out from under me. i don't like this tyrannical cycle, and i'd like to be able to break out of it. i just know that everyone who reads this blog loves me and is rooting for me, and that means the world. i feel like it comes from the fact that i'm not whole. if i was (were?) whole, i wouldn't need people at such a fun

I've just updated my resume in preparation for sending it out to potential internships this summer. Barbara Boxer's office is first on my list, since I support the Democrats and think exposure to the political process might be fascinating. I want people to start recognizing me for who I truly am, not for who the illness makes me out to be. I actually have a resume of which I'm proud. I can't wait to start sending them out. It's not about the results as much as it is about getting practice with this whole process. Finally, the end is near; I will be applying for real jobs in less than a year! Bipolar be damned! If I don't land an internship this summer, since it is kind of late to be applying, maybe I'll end up with some small job to earn a bit of money; see if I can stay under SSDI's radar screen for a bit.

and where is that? my well is empty! i need a new one! it is when i am truest to myself that things work out the best.

i can breathe more easily, my body feels younger (and i'm not that old to start with!) and my mind clearer. i feel calmer and less anxious. i feel as if i've been "ironed out," and my upper-body strength increases. I feel slower, which is a welcome break from my mind's default frenetic pace.

what a gift. such an enormous gift. i only need a few square feet of space, and what a difference it makes.

and i have a headache. goodnight.

Stephen Colbert was the commencement speaker at Knox College in Illinois last week. The students presented him with a t-shirt with "Veritasiness" on it, according to Editor and Publisher website. They say it translates roughly as "truthiness." What a great word!

is this another result of the Bush administration's bizarre foreign policy that began with the invasion of iraq? was it samuel huntington who wrote a book about a new "clash of civilizations"? i'm referring to the fact that two of America's most "feared enemies," acccording to the White House, North Korea and Iran, are pushing ahead with nuclear testing. that was unheard of before Iran's new president came to power. I wonder if North Korea is seizing on this opportunity to push forward with its program as well, as the Bush administration enjoys a new level of powerlessness and compromise in its negotiations with other countries.

at summer school, i learned to shoot for the stars, and that with the right attitude, anything was possible. do i need to revise this way of looking at the world? should i lower my standards and expectations because now i have bipolar disorder and many lost years and new limitations? i'm not sure.

My ears ring with what I don't want to and no longer hear. what is the name of the song you were playing at the computer, "if heaven and hell decided that they both are satisfied..."?

there is nothing in the world like a good cry. such silence in my head and heart afterwards. i am able to hear the beating of my heart. the clouds and fog have lifted; the tornado has stopped churning and the hurricane no longer beats down on my brain. so happy to be here; it's ridiculous.

this is simply the title of a ridiculous teen movie from several years back, but if i had my druthers, i would spend this summer writing. reading, absorbing, living, talking, learning, engaging, dancing, loving, exploring, and writing. i would like to begin by exploring the area; driving around and getting "the lay of the land." museums (getty, tolerance), bookstores, parks, tonight show, whatever else there is to see and experience. i have a feeling i won't want to go back to northern california after spending a summer here, but i'll probably have to.

why do some of my favorite people in the world move away from me? they fall through my fingers like sand. i don't understand. some of the people i most want to get to know do not reciprocate the feeling, others i want to hold onto end up letting go of me. "Throw me a bone here, people!" a paraphrase of Dr. Evil from "Austin Powers"

no, that's not right. what i'm trying to say is that i wish i could see myself the way others do. i feel they have both an inaccurate and a more accurate portrait of who I am than I have.

remaining true to myself, always. compass or no compass. barking up the wrong tree invariably gets pine needles in my eyes.

not just Lamictal when I can't swallow it right away, since it's uncoated, but also certain facts about my life, the illness prominently among them.

"...fire burn and cauldron bubble." Macbeth my anger knows no bounds. trying to work through it this time instead of setting the world on fire, burning bridges, and destroying relationships.

"if i wasn't, then why would i say i am?" to paraphrase eminem. the power of self-definition.

figuratively speaking, of course. i talk a good game, but often fall short. irony is, i'm probably already much cooler than i give myself credit for; if i would only let myself take the credit, i probably would not feel the need to inflate my image to others, which invariably bursts. this is the nuclear fallout, my very own Chernobyl. my Geiger counter measures in tears, or is that taking the metaphor entirely too far?

also a song by John Denver "this is what it's like, falling out of love... this is how it feels when it's all over, this is just the way true love ends." need, obsession, and love are not synonymous.

it gives me no pleasure to announce how happy i am that al-Qaeda terrorist leader Abu Musad al-Zarqawi has been killed in Iraq, along with several of his cronies. if you behead Americans, you don't deserve to draw another breath, in my opinion. i'm also sorry to say that i believe saddam should be summarily executed. i do not believe he deserves a fair trial, or, for that matter, to be seen or heard from ever again. his very existence is an insult to his millions of victims (pretty much any Iraqi citizen under his rule over the past what, 30 years or so, is a victim of his, i believe).

it's funny how people's opinions about science tend to be based on their other personal beliefs, like about religion and how public money should be spent. why is it that Republicans tend to refute global warming, while most everyone else acknowledges it? because they have a vested, often corporate, interest in seeing the continued use of fossil fuels, i suppose. also, people who support our auto industry scorn global warming because it shows how uncompetitive and inefficient our cars are, and heaven forbid anyone devote time or money to making the world in which we live healthier! Japan's cars get the highest mileage, while ours get the lowest, worldwide.

has anyone noticed how the most oppressive countries tend to have the most hypocritical names? China, for example, could care less about what its citizens think, yet it calls itself "The People's Republic of China." France, on the other hand, is a relatively free place, and it's just called "France," not the "We're Very Free and Happy About It Sovereign Group of Grouchy Gauls." more examples from the CIA World Factbook: North Korea is officially "The Democratic People's Republic of Korea," rather than the "We're All Starving to Death Because Our Leader Spends More on the Military and His Haircut than Anything Else Forsaken Territory." Algeria is the "People's Democratic Republic of Algeria," which somehow omits the bloody civil war that's been raging for years. Cuba is just the "Republic of Cuba," which is fairly neutral, although they should perhaps allude to the fact that they do not pro

courtesy of my dad. I apologize to anyone of Polish descent: Two American astronauts are talking to two Polish astronauts about their space program. The Americans ask the Poles where their next mission will take them. The Poles respond that they are going to the sun. The Americans say, "Are you kidding? You'll burn up before you get there!" The Poles respond, "Don't worry; we've got that all figured out. We're going at night!" P.S. In our ongoing effort to please ALL the people ALL the time, I've added the option of substituting "blond" in place of Polish, so as to placate our Slavically-inclined readers.

the film was not as bad as the reviewers made it out to be. they did a decent job of adapting it to the screen, but the book had lots of problems and so the film captured those shortcomings as well. tom hanks is fun to watch, but i almost feel like his real-life personality comes across in all of his characters. i don't mind, though, since he seems like a pleasant enough guy. would like to work on my pronunciation, but am afraid of standing out and sounding pretentious. my dad can carry it off, because it's real for him, but i don't know if it is for me. that's part of why i am afraid to speak slowly and enunciate; i'm afraid others will think i'm pretentious. i didn't sleep well last night, so i'm tired, but i'd like to watch some tv, read more of "The Name of the Rose," and probably start packing. each time i pack, i'm getting less sophisticated. i'm almost tempted to just put piles of clean, folded laundry right into my tru

this is NOT an advertisement for Fox's reality show. I did enjoy watching it last year because the dancing was amazing. It's almost like I can live vicariously through the dancers on the show, just a little. I love dancing and I miss it. Don't know where it fits into my life anymore.