More Madness From "The Onion"
Today's Horoscope: While everyone is certainly entitled to their opinion of how you run your life, the bullhorn they've been using does seem a bit much.
Taurus: Tens of thousands will applaud your invention next week of a larger and more convincing applause sign.
Cancer: The stars are serious this time: If they ever catch you with those f*cking tea leaves again, you can kiss the last 15 years goodbye.
Leo: Your towering throne of skulls might be impressive and all, but what's the point of being king if there's no one left to rule over?
Virgo: Years of sweat and toil will finally pay off when your first novel is welcomed as a challenging and important work by cryptographers around the world.
Libra: An attempt to describe the concept of infinity to friends this Thursday will succeed in spite of your nonsensical rambling.
Scorpio: If you had any balls at all, you'd quit that pathetic sobbing and just take the castration like a real man.
Sagittarius: While you claim that the suspense of your test results is slowly killing you, it's in fact a pulmonary embolism that's doing the job.
Capricorn: Your four-year degree from an Ivy League school will quickly propel you to the top of many collection agency lists.
Aquarius: You will be fired this week from your job at Staples just for taking home a bunch of office supplies.
Taurus: Tens of thousands will applaud your invention next week of a larger and more convincing applause sign.
Cancer: The stars are serious this time: If they ever catch you with those f*cking tea leaves again, you can kiss the last 15 years goodbye.
Leo: Your towering throne of skulls might be impressive and all, but what's the point of being king if there's no one left to rule over?
Virgo: Years of sweat and toil will finally pay off when your first novel is welcomed as a challenging and important work by cryptographers around the world.
Libra: An attempt to describe the concept of infinity to friends this Thursday will succeed in spite of your nonsensical rambling.
Scorpio: If you had any balls at all, you'd quit that pathetic sobbing and just take the castration like a real man.
Sagittarius: While you claim that the suspense of your test results is slowly killing you, it's in fact a pulmonary embolism that's doing the job.
Capricorn: Your four-year degree from an Ivy League school will quickly propel you to the top of many collection agency lists.
Aquarius: You will be fired this week from your job at Staples just for taking home a bunch of office supplies.
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