Select Horoscopes from "The Onion"
Birthday Today: The discovery of two scoliotic spines this week will bring you one step closer to completing that rocking chair of skulls.
Aries: Next week's appointment with an ear, nose, and throat specialist will start with some positive news about your ears and your nose.
Taurus: While the transformation and its implications may be difficult to accept, there's no longer any sense in denying it: You are now more beatbox than human.
Gemini: Remember: You can only run away from your problems for so long before they catch up to you, tackle you, drag you into a nearby alley, and ultimately slit your throat.
Virgo: They say that a baby changes everything, and while you'll feel a little more pressure, in the end the game is still five-card stud.
Libra: Despite seemingly insurmountable odds, you will once again manage to talk your way out of sounding interesting this week.
Capricorn: Riding in a golf cart with snow cone in hand, you'll be tackled by two police officers this week after matching a composite caricature of a suspected murderer.
Aquarius: You'll be praised as a true original and an innovator of the art form after shooting a film whose plot unfolds in chronological order.
Aries: Next week's appointment with an ear, nose, and throat specialist will start with some positive news about your ears and your nose.
Taurus: While the transformation and its implications may be difficult to accept, there's no longer any sense in denying it: You are now more beatbox than human.
Gemini: Remember: You can only run away from your problems for so long before they catch up to you, tackle you, drag you into a nearby alley, and ultimately slit your throat.
Virgo: They say that a baby changes everything, and while you'll feel a little more pressure, in the end the game is still five-card stud.
Libra: Despite seemingly insurmountable odds, you will once again manage to talk your way out of sounding interesting this week.
Capricorn: Riding in a golf cart with snow cone in hand, you'll be tackled by two police officers this week after matching a composite caricature of a suspected murderer.
Aquarius: You'll be praised as a true original and an innovator of the art form after shooting a film whose plot unfolds in chronological order.
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