"The Onion" Horoscopes: Read at Your Own Risk
Your Birthday Today: For the fifth month in a row, you will be forced to deal with your abandonment issues completely alone.
Aries: While others frequently refer to you as a sex machine, the label is sadly based on your cold, almost mechanical execution of the physical act.
Gemini: Your correspondence course in applied chemistry will be terminated this week after the violent demise of nearly two dozen mailmen.
Leo: A head-on collision with a bright red 18-wheeler will all but end this Thursday's game of "I Spy."
Virgo: You can cry all you like, but it's not going to bring back the 56-ounce carton of ice cream you just ate.
Libra: While alternate-side-of-the-street restrictions may ultimately help, it's probably not the most effective way of dealing with your town's recent wave of curbings.
Scorpio: Covered only partially in Vaseline and shrieking nearly coherent obscenities about the Jews, you'll be amazed by the amount of progress you've made since entering therapy.
Sagittarius: The stars strongly sense the presence of cantaloupe, honeydew melon, and possibly even some pineapple in this Tuesday's bowl of fruit salad.
Capricorn: You will find yourself siding with Islamic extremists this week after an eco-terrorist organization claims responsibility for several car bombings.
Aquarius: Hundreds of miners will lose their lives this week in a series of tragic and unforeseen lung collapses.
Pisces: Researchers this week will trace years of unjust and painful suffering among thousands of Americans to a pretty common skin condition.
Aries: While others frequently refer to you as a sex machine, the label is sadly based on your cold, almost mechanical execution of the physical act.
Gemini: Your correspondence course in applied chemistry will be terminated this week after the violent demise of nearly two dozen mailmen.
Leo: A head-on collision with a bright red 18-wheeler will all but end this Thursday's game of "I Spy."
Virgo: You can cry all you like, but it's not going to bring back the 56-ounce carton of ice cream you just ate.
Libra: While alternate-side-of-the-street restrictions may ultimately help, it's probably not the most effective way of dealing with your town's recent wave of curbings.
Scorpio: Covered only partially in Vaseline and shrieking nearly coherent obscenities about the Jews, you'll be amazed by the amount of progress you've made since entering therapy.
Sagittarius: The stars strongly sense the presence of cantaloupe, honeydew melon, and possibly even some pineapple in this Tuesday's bowl of fruit salad.
Capricorn: You will find yourself siding with Islamic extremists this week after an eco-terrorist organization claims responsibility for several car bombings.
Aquarius: Hundreds of miners will lose their lives this week in a series of tragic and unforeseen lung collapses.
Pisces: Researchers this week will trace years of unjust and painful suffering among thousands of Americans to a pretty common skin condition.
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