Long Time Gone

stop overdiagnosing people and offering medication when it may be inappropriate! you're giving those of us with real psychiatric afflictions look less legitimate. it's insulting to have someone say, "you don't really have bipolar, it's all in your head," or "how bad can it be? you don't need all those medications!" like hell i don't. ignorance is the luxury of the mentally healthy. bipolar is NOT: an attitude problem a weakness of character laziness insanity a figment of the person's imagination fixable through will or "effort" or "trying harder" a spiritual problem treatable with anything other than meds; if you don't need meds, you don't have bipolar [including, of course, newer treatments like transcranial magnetic stimulation, stimulant at base of brain, ECT, etc. as treatment] an unresolved emotional problem psychological--it is psychiatric, which is not the same

I'm sorry to be a bit of a wet blanket, but I have to complain here for a minute when I return from lunch. Took less seroquel last night (one of my more hated bipolar meds); feel worse, overall. wish we could a) get rid of it altogether, or b) use another med in its place (abilify?), or c) hurry the hell up with funding stem cell research so i wouldn't have to take medication for bipolar EVER AGAIN! love to you all; be back shortly all these good things keep happening to friends of mine--people getting pregnant, married, etc.--but each one reminds me of what i've lost to all those years w/bipolar. i want to be happy for them; i am, but it's really painful for me at the same time.

sure takes the sting out of having to get out of bed in the morning. It's not a long-term solution, I'm afraid. i've pulled two all-nighters in the past week, after having done none in at least a couple of years. it provides valuable info re the seroquel, however, but i need to be less cavalier about doing so. it takes a toll on my mental health. surrendering to the illness, again! what is the difference between surrender and resignation?

partially hydrogenated oils of any kind and high fructose corn syrup are on my personal "dietary axis of evil." anyone wishing to learn more about the economics behind these insidious food additives might want to read "Fast-Food Nation"

It's so sad that Oakland really does live up to its dangerous reputation. I can hear gunfire almost every night. the people of Oakland deserve so much better! if only law enforcement, education, and other social services were properly funded...

Isn't he the one responsible for discovering the principle of inertia? It's his fault I'm not getting more done. I keep thinking about the EF guys. Harumph. This guy has been looking at me long enough that I'm starting to think about him when I'm away from the dining hall. I should charge him rent, or something. What is that principle where you get interested in people you normally wouldn't just because they show interest in you? So I'm all nervous and self-conscious around this guy, now. I worry about what I wear and how I act, etc. I don't like this disturbance in my energy. I think he's French, which would explain why he rarely smiles. Sometimes I'll catch him looking at me and I feel like saying, "What?! What is your problem? Leave me alone!" I have so little confidence because the meds take away my personality and charm and ability to talk skillfully to people. I used to be SO confident. I don't want to go up to thi...

These actors are two of my favorite people because they dealt/deal with their afflictions so beautifully. I believe that tragedy brings out the best in us--if it doesn't bring out the worst. My experience has taught me that I either succumb to adversity, or grow, as a result, to meet the challenge. That growth is excruciatingly painful and nothing I would have sought out on my own. Michael J. Fox has had Parkinson's from a very young age, yet he titled his memoirs "Lucky Man." I think that's awesome.

until I learn to love myself. cliché? yes. true? i think so. when i don't like myself, i behave in ways i don't like. i'm sure in the inverse (converse?) applies too. can someone explain the difference between inverse and converse? i can't. thanks! "Come Rain or Come Shine" sung by Billie Holliday I’m gonna love you, like nobody’s loved you, come rain or come shine. High as a mountain, and deep as a river, come rain or come shine. I guess, when you met me, it was just one of those things. But don’t ever bet me cause I’m gonna be true if you let me. You’re gonna love me, like nobody’s loved me, come rain or come shine. Happy together, unhappy together, and won’t it be fine? Days may be cloudy or sunny, We’re in or we’re out of the money, But I’m with you always, I’m with you rain or shine.

I say we give Hamas some time to work with Fatah and come up with some kind of government that works for them. The Palestinians do not have the power to inflict great harm on Israel (unless Iran or some other peace-hating entity steps in) so at the moment, I'm not inclined to see them as "terrorist-affiliated." Depriving the Palestinians of badly-needed funds will only make them more resentful. We cannot continue to treat the Palestinians the way we have been and expect them to come to the negotiating table. I think we're depriving them of dignity and simultaneously contributing to the virulent hatred of us among much of the Arab/Muslim world that we must address. There is no sense "fighting the war on terror" without taking steps to make it clear that we care about Palestinian well-being. They need a sense of self-sufficiency to take pride in themselves, I think, and we need to help them get on their feet economically, not contribute to their demise. I...

Carson of "Queer Eye" would have been so proud! I was! Sierra looked beautiful last night in a slim black skirt, tall brown boots, and a burgundy lace camisole. Bridget got in touch with her inner tomboy in black and white saddle shoes, with matching black vest, white shirt, and black tie, her signature red hair down, in curls. Natasha did a Marilyn Monroe number with a black-and-white polka dot, strapless dress with wide cinch belt and gold chandelier earrings. Halie wore a slim black polka-dot dress with lots of pearls, red lipstick, and an aviator-esque jacket for a rockin' retro look. Brenna was her usual class act in an off-white lace gown with white sandals. Erin looked like an angel in a white, strapless chiffon gown w/white pearl choker and her boyfriend in tow. Amina, relieved that dress-up wasn't required, wore her beautiful wavy hair down with a tailored sweater and casual pants. I wore a silk black halter top w/white slacks and black patent leather heels....

I'm brimming with pride to announce that one of my best friends in the world (going all the way back to childhood!) is expecting a baby with her husband! She is doing very well, and I'm so happy for her and her family! This is going to be such an amazing process for all of us, I think. What a relief it is to have friends from before the illness--they remind me of who I used to be; they bring that part of me back for a little while. I still feel guilty about the burden the illness has placed on all of us, but that part is not my fault. We went to the Black and White Ball last night, which was mostly women, of course, but it was still fun to get dressed up and dance. I still haven't lived up to my resolution to get off campus more! I have a French paper due tomorrow! Yikes! I'd better get started. Oh, and I just want to say thanks to everyone who's been reading my blog. It means a lot! I'm going to try to get some pictures up here soon, which will be fun!

why am i so out of sorts today? it felt good to be home and catch up with friends last night. i don't feel like going out tonight, but i am anyway. harumph. i just feel sad and sensitive and introspective, and wish i was really close to someone i felt connected to. existential loneliness, of some kind. who knows?

I think I figured out today that it's OK to be myself around others. It's been a difficult couple of days, again, but learning to be in my own skin rather than running around trying to please others is a relief. it feels good to be around friends. i feel accepted. i'm looking forward to sleeping in my own bed tonight, in a quiet house, without people running around outside my door or over my head. no doors slamming. my back hurts from carrying my computer and books all afternoon. i wish i didn't feel so fragile. i "should" go to yoga tomorrow. i'm uncertain about what to do for the summer, although i'm definitely applying for the critical language programs. i know from experience that the way to relieve anxiety is just to get started. i should tackle the internship thing, even if all i do is apply to one place or do a little research. sometimes i don't know when/whether to apologize.

because i have bipolar disorder. this used to be terrifying to me. now, it's a little unnerving, but that's about it. you see, i have so much going for me, and i'm really pretty sane, at times maybe even more sane than a lot of other folks, and if you can't see that, then maybe you don't belong in my life. it's a package deal. i have the courage to step out into the world and say that i have this really scary-sounding illness. i want others to have the courage to look beyond that label to who I am. i am not the illness; there's a real person behind the label. yes, i rant and rave about bipolar problems on my blogs, and maybe i'll be more conservative about that in the future, but really, i have nothing to hide and i want people to feel more comfortable around people with scary-sounding mental illnesses. i'm beautiful, articulate, funny, smart, tall, long-legged, well-spoken, culturally literate, multidimensional, compassionate, well-dressed, cre...

The only reason I went to breakfast this morning is that I never went to bed last night, procrastinating, as usual, on a paper due at 11am this morning. I even emailed the flying spaghetti monster fake religion guy as a way to buy time...why do I avoid work? I have no idea. Anyway, I arrived at Founders at about 7:30am. Only EF students and a couple of music students. Siobhan arrived halfway through my meal; we talked about her plans to transfer and about my blog. Lorian appeared shortly before I left, but didn't sit with us. Mostly EF students in the a.m.'s, I guess. They're on vacation; this is one big shopping trip for many of them, and most of us are working our rear ends off while amassing large amounts of debt. Two very different scenarios. It's a little demoralizing, frankly; and they aren't friendly, to boot. Back to the paper. Interstitial spaces and l'écriture féminine in excelsis!

I cannot believe how many of my belongings were not only not made in the USA, but were made in developing nations. Here's a partial list: undergarments--Indonesia denim jacket--Macau cotton cardigan/jacket--Vietnam jeans, towels--Turkey wool poncho, wool scarf--China wool sweater--Hong Kong

It's not easy, feeling different.

Not yet. I don't know what to do this summer--what kind of internship to get, what to do if it doesn't pay anything, when/how to apply, where to live, etc. I have no idea what to do and don't feel like dealing with it. It's another level of the real world I need to tackle and I'm scared. It's too easy to stay here at college and not do research on internships and jobs, but I really should make some effort. I revised my resume recently; that's a step forward. I would like to write. I don't know what else to say. Journalism? Politics? I feel like there's plenty of stuff I could do but I don't know where to begin. I have so little experience. It's time to start scanning photos so I can put some fun stuff up here. The Black and White Ball is Saturday, although it's going to be just us girls, I think, unless Halie asks that friend of Natasha's. I REALLY need to get off campus more, even if it's just studying at a cafe or so...

It's time to join the ranks (temporarily) of the scathing reviews of Oscars, Grammys, and Golden Globes attire. Joan and Melissa Rivers, stand back! This award season, Geena Davis' dreadful red get-up at the Golden Globes takes the gold for worst dressed, in my opinion. Felicity Huffman always looks nice, to me. She's very classy and never tries to look 20 years younger than she is. I had a mixed reaction to Teri Hatcher's rock n roll dark lacy outfit with the knickers underneath at the Grammys. Part of me loved it, part of me thinks she's way too mature to carry off something like that. It fit beautifully and was a great color for her, but I'm not sure anyone much over 30 should be that see-through. I would have toned down the makeup and accessories, if I were in her. Maybe she feels threatened by all the attention Eva Longoria is getting. Gwyneth Paltrow is one of my all-time fashion favorites, but her frumpy dress at the Globes mystified. As a young m...

One brief opinion I'll mention here is that we can't overturn a death penalty conviction simply because a group of people have decided they are opposed to it. That would set a precedent of overturning whichever convictions we simply don't agree with. It's one thing to oppose it, but demonstrating outside of executions that have been planned for decades just doesn't seem right to me. If someone emphatically opposes capital punishment, I think their best course of action is to try to change the law now, rather than applying that belief to crimes that have already been tried and decided. Of course, DNA technology has been able to free a number of innocent folks, which is good, but it could also do SO MUCH good if it could be applied more effectively to tracking current criminals. Law enforcement is underfunded enough that putting everything into a centralized database and truly making the best use of DNA technology is not possible right now. Another problem is that ...

Honestly, our "white" ancestors were tribes of barbarians, in Europe, and men in skirts runnning around with no underwear, in Britain, with their faces painted blue. Exactly what is there to feel "supreme" about?

Make up your minds, politicians! If immigration via the Mexico border is going to be illegal, we need to enforce it. Since so many folks come through every year, and essentially sustain our local economies, it's hypocritical of us to want them all to go home. I think we should recognize their right to exist, tax their wages, and offer them the same social services the rest of us have. They don't need to become citizens, necessarily, unless they want to apply the usual way. What do you think?

Demographics are changing more quickly than our attitudes about them are. More and more young people are living at home in their 20's, for example, but it's still considered "uncool." More and more people co-habitate before marriage and bear children out of wedlock. The divorce rate is quite high, though I don't know if it's still increasing or not. What do you think accounts for all of these changes? We need to stop thinking of ourselves as bad for them, and explore the reasons behind them and make sure everyone's needs are being addressed properly.

We are not doing terribly well at the Winter Olympics this time around. Bode Miller has choked on four of his five races so far (though he never claimed he wanted to get any medals), Michelle Kwan withdrew, Anton Apollo Ohno fell short of expectations, our women's hockey team lost to Sweden. And then there's the issue of TV coverage. NBC is being trounced in the ever-present ratings war by "American Idol." Plus, as the Sydney games showed us, the impact of the Internet really spoils the suspense of wondering who won, and takes much of the incentive for watching the events away. It's really a shame; I have happy memories of watching Olympic coverage every night with my parents when I was a kid. Then again, "wintry" countries like Austria, Germany, and the Scandinavian countries always make strong showings in winter games.

Thank goodness someone has finally taken it upon themselves to lampoon the often-ridiculous rabid ranting and raving over on CNBC and similarly financially-afflicted news channels. LOVE IT! This is NPR's "Marketplace" show on Monday, February 20. In particular, I cannot stand that loud guy who shouts all of his investment advice on a relatively new talk show where callers ask the questions. I think it's on CNBC, or MSNBC, and that show had the audacity to take the place of the relatively short-lived "Dennis Miller Show," which I found fantastic, with the exception of Miller's inexplicably right-wing political stances. Suze Orman continues to be my one and only personal finance, investment guru. I think NPR's "Marketplace" is the only financial show that does not put me to sleep; that is interesting enough to attract those of us who have not graduated from the Wharton School.

As if it weren't cool enough that he sang Barbra Streisand songs on Saturday Night Live, making a complete fool of himself, but he's also appearing in an episode of "24". Such the atypical politician. He actually seems to believe in what he says. I don't know what his snit with Barack Obama was all about, but overall, he's my favorite Senator. But what I really like is that he came back from a horrible experience in Vietnam ready to serve his country and lead a not-bitter, productive life. It's really beautiful that he overcame all the suffering. This picture is his homecoming from his five year captivity and torture in Vietnam. Poor Lorian. She's really not feeling well.

all dressed up with many places to go. i don't know if i should go out or not. i feel like i "should," because i want to meet people, but i'd rather just watch a movie or stay here and work on my blog. i wonder what they're watching in the rec room.

If it isn't SARS, it's mad cow. If it isn't mad cow, it's the bird flu. With the on-the-brink-of-hysteria mood the media projects onto almost every story, it's very difficult for me to tell what is actually a realistic threat and what isn't. It seems to me that we were just as worried about SARS a few years back as we are about bird flu now, and it all came to naught. On the other hand, I don't know enough about infectious diseases to look at the raw data and reach my own conclusion about the flu. I did hear that the 1918 pandemic originated from a bird, though, from someone on NPR, which usually has decent sources. Between terror attacks, a worldwide bird flu pandemic, cancer, and daily violence in Oakland, there's enough to worry about that I won't even bother. It feels a bit like being an insect squashed on a windshield. [by the way, thanks to the people leaving comments on this post for clearing up some of my mis-information!]

Seriously, though. It is problematic for it fall to the private sector to fund most of the research, since the burden is placed upon consumers, who in turn, look to insurance companies to cover the cost, which they are increasingly reluctant to do. where does the cycle end? What is the/a solution?

Andy: "You know when you grab a woman's breast, and it feels like a bag of sand?" "Forty is the new 20." Paul Rudd is cute, too. "You look like a man o'lantern." "She's adorable...f*ckin' b*tch." "She sounds like a tea kettle." "There were two sides to that billboard, and they were equally painful." Steve Carell is of Italian origin (last name was originally "Carello") which explains, in part, his attractiveness. He has the dark, swarthy, charisma thing going on. Steve will be presenting at the Oscar Awards. One more reason to watch them.

What a shame President Palmer was assassinated this season on "24". He has a deep, resonant voice and a teddy-bear like, approachable sweetness. Plus he's a good leader, though he occasionally gets screwed by bad people, like ex-wife Sherry. I can identify with being fooled by mean people; sometimes I never see it coming, and when such a thing happens, I have no idea what to do. I just love Chloe; she constantly frowns and smirks but never gets under my skin, plus, she's usually right about what to do. She and Edgar have a brother-sister relationship where they're always bickering; no sexual tension whatsoever--just a mutual irritation.

At a dinner conversation about wisdom tooth extraction: Someone: "What's dry socket?" Amina: "It's where a little head comes out of the socket and starts talking to you." On a disappointing dessert night: "I don't understand the concept behind dessert tonight."

At the end of one of the Austin Powers movies, Dr. Evil and Mini-Me are cryogenically frozen and sent out into space in a pod of some sort. Why are some men's terms for female private areas usually so disrespectful? What is that about? I think that misogyny stems from male resentment at desiring/needing women so much; maybe it makes them feel weak or vulnerable and they resent us for it.

I kind of like the guy, and he's free to mess up his career if he wishes, but it does rather suck that he's failed all three of his races so far. I'm pretty sure he didn't even finish his super-g race, and was dq'd from another one. i have found figure skating disappointing so far; i'm looking forward to women's skating. downhill racing is exciting; i do not like snowboarding, though; it's kind of like surfing but without the excitement and with all the silly slang terms. who watches curling at 3am on the usa network? show your face! there is help available, but not on this website.

Law and Order: SVU (I prefer to call it SUV) is a dreadful show. Cavalier about police work and sexual assault. Very distasteful (is that a word?). Michael Kors is bright orange on Project Runway.

Do men like that exist, or was he solely the figment of Jane Austen's literary imagination, kind of like a 19th century female fantasy, akin to a Playboy centerfold for men today?

Here I am at Gaylord's; fingers freezing. pretty dead atmosphere, though fairly full w/folks. many studying, i-poding, some emt's. is an apostrophe appropriate there or not? love sublime, love divine. it's out there somewhere, w/my name on it. i can choose to believe that or not, i don't know if that would change anything. no more risk to believing in it than not. yes there is. must strike a balance between writing what i want vs. writing what i think others want to read. am uncomfortable around the considerable homeless population here; one guy just got firmly thrown out by a server. this place has a pretty high-pressure feel; not totally comfortable. berkeley-ish competitiveness? watched pride and prejudice w/halie late into the night; enjoyed sleeping in and missing brunch for once. too bad hot french guy wasn't at dinner; my clothes were actually coordinated and i got two compliments on my sweater. nice older guy just came over, gave me his blog site...

The level of disorder in my room is always increasing, much to my chagrin. Must vacuum, dust, etc.

Oh! I have slipped the surly bonds of earth, And danced the skies on laughter-silvered wings; Sunward I've climbed, and joined the tumbling mirth Of sun-split clouds,--and done a hundred things You have not dreamed of--Wheeled and soared and swung High in the sunlit silence. Hov'ring there I've chased the shouting wind along, and flung My eager craft through footless halls of air... Up, up the long, delirious, burning blue I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace Where never lark or even eagle flew-- And, while with silent lifting mind I've trod The high untrespassed sanctity of space, Put out my hand, and touched the face of God. [Airman John Gillespie Magee, Jr.] http://www.davidpbrown.co.uk set to music by John Denver; read aloud at my friend's father's funeral.

and my shoulders don't stop shaking. i do not pray but i ask for help all the time. there is nothing to laugh about. my life collapses around me. what could i possibly have done to deserve this? i get tired of the sound of my tears. sometimes there are no happy endings. no happiness at all. sometimes i'm just broken and that's all there is. no pieces to put back together. just broken. that's it. game over. everyone else has packed up, gone home, and moved on. nothing is left and no one remembers; nothing remains. I am Jack Twist; I am Ennis del Mar. "Never the two shall meet" (what is that from?); two parallel lines that never intersect. part of me feels like i must be getting something really wonderful in my future for all i've been through; but i don't see that happening. i'll always have to deal with meds. is anyone else's love large enough for me and all my stuff? my hair loss, acne scars, lost years, juvenile-ness, ine...

Rather than cutting capital gains taxes and federal student loan aid, why doesn't Bush keep the taxes, use that money for Katrina survivors, and maintain if not bolster the federal student loan process? It's no secret that paying for college is a huge burden for a majority of Americans, and that a college degree is more important now for employment than it ever has been.

Ziyi Zhang is the new Gong Li; she's stunning, and getting many of the choiciest parts. the ads for eharmony.com are dreadful What on EARTH is the purpose of the UN if it cannot stop the slaughter in Sudan RIGHT NOW? I like Howard Dean. Steve Carell is so cute and funny! I should pay more attention to funny men; although charisma is important. Someone who knows how to be serious, too, with a heart of gold. it must be a coincidence that "vd" stands for both valentine's day and venereal disease i cannot believe how little hair i have left. it's never been this bad before. i am afraid to make any further med changes. why can't i find someone like mr. darcy, the way elizabeth bennett does in pride and prejudice? or that kind of love, at least. i don't feel pretty anymore. wonder if anyone will find me so; or will i ever allow someone to make me feel that way? i receive compliments, but don't feel them. what is wrong with me? why can't i be as...

Dr. Drew Pinsky, however, is downright dreamy. I respect him tremendously. He's attractive, artriculate, sympathetic, respectful, well-educated and charismatic; such a turn-on! Dr. Phil is a bully; he does not practice what he preaches. He's a beast on Jay Leno's show, insulting Jay, being arrogant, taking himself terribly seriously. I can feel the anger in his body language. He is intimidating and imposing and makes a living in insulting others and issuing ultimatums to people who don't know any better than to listen to him. I don't think he promotes healing or teaches people how to be gentle with themselves. Of course he "writes" diet books, with the help of people who know how to make it look like it offers new information. i must hold myself to the same account to which i attempt to hold others; i can't make proclamations about not wanting any cowardice in my life and still have it myself.

In an era of media-dominated cynicism about law enforcement, I'd like to share tidbits of my experience. Law enforcement is wildly misrepresented in the media, which makes me wonder what the media's true agenda is. i volunteer with a local police department. The department offers a "citizen's" police academy, which is like a class where each week a different aspect of police work is introduced. I learned so much and have a much deeper appreciation of what it means to be an officer. I enjoyed the academy so much that I became a volunteer with the department. I can't tell you how many hard-working people there are with hearts of gold who want nothing more than the best for their society. Of course corruption and abuse of authority exist in law enforcement at large; but this is no different from politics or corporate life or academia or any other kind of occuption. Law enforcement must not be singled out unfairly. Their decisions are difficult, complicated...

A friend of mine said that awhile back, in response to my bellyaching about doing laundry. It's kind of the stuff of life; we eat, we sleep, we get dressed and undressed, we do laundry and take care of our living spaces, kind of like living as a monk. i wonder if growing affluent and getting others to do our daily business detracts from our own human experience. Aren't we meant to do that kind of stuff ourselves? Lay the foundations of our own lives, rather than "subcontracting" those tasks out to others? That's how I interpret my friend's comment. What do you think?

Life hurts; it just does. I hate death; I hate funerals and sickness, diagnoses, treatments, and bad news. Life just hurts; for me, that is my experience as I look at my own life and at others'. Losing Muffin has been terribly painful; there's just no way around it. It will be a big hole for awhile, and never fully go away. Life isn't a gift, says Ken Sr., it's a loan.

I suspect the reason why Cheney chose to "break his silence" on Fox news is because Fox, of the major cable networks, is most sympathetic to the White House's politics. A calculated decision, knowing the anchors would be easier on him than Anderson Cooper would be, for example. For the first time I heard the word "arrogance" associated with the Bush presidency today, and it really struck a chord. I think it's an apt description of Bush's regard (or lack thereof) for the average American. Katrina was the last straw for me; it demonstrated that Bush does not care about poor citizens; they are not even on the radar screen for him. I honestly don't know why he ran for president; it does not seem to mean much for him--maybe just another opportunity to appoint friends to high places, like an extension of frat life. Shame on him! He is ignoring what it means to be American. I daresay he is not an example of what it means to be American; he epitomizes ...

Muffin passed at 6:30pm, February 14, 2006, at the vet's office. My parents were with him; he fell asleep right away. Our beautiful, luxuriant Maine Coon cat, the envy of everyone at the vet's office; purr machine deluxe, adored "accordian cat" in concert w/my dad, "The song of love is a sad song..." Muffy would sleep in the middle of the street, roll off sofas in his sleep while dreaming or yawning, eat canteloupe and waffles, play "the stairs game" with a handkerchief. The doorbell would send him tearing upstairs as if the grim reaper himself has arrived. he never got used to it; he was also frightened by strangers, but warmed up to regular visitors easily. A linebacker of a cat, with broad, sturdy paws and a hefty, but not fat, fuselage. Loved to be petted on the stomach when lying on his back, between his ears, "snuffled" when curled up, and put his head "under his head" when curled into a ball. Muffin liked to sleep at...

It's an opportunity to get in touch with myself and evaluate. Pain is an effective way to reach inward, even if I don't like it. A necessary part of life. I feel like my rough edges bounce off of surfaces that eventually smooth them out a bit, if I'm paying attention.

Nothing is more valuable than believing in myself. Why do I seek to hurt those who hurt me? Revenge? Self-defense? Recovering dignity? Evening the score? Tearing others to pieces makes me feel good but also bad. Good because I have "ended the threat," bad because I may feel badly, I may have hurt the person, I may look bad in the eyes of others; they may exact revenge at some point in the future, I may lose opportunities... I have quite a history of feeling threatened by others, and am quite sensitive to it. I also go on the offensive without thinking. Not sure what to do here. Is there a need to "get back" at anyone? What would that accomplish? What if I am wrong about them? I don't like paranoia. I think the lesson is that I need to find a new peer group. Should I take comfort in others' mediocrity? No, because as punishment I may lose my assets. I want to like myself, I want to be the way those I admire are like. I need to believe in myself m...

feel tremendously self-conscious and on display. not comfortable drawing attention to myself, yet i crave it. feel insecure around normal people. might like some food but unsure what. to be continued everyone here takes themselves so seriously. kind of a "scene," which really isn't my scene. one dark haired, unattractive guy was circling like a shark, but he is gone. there is a semi-attractive dark-complected (is that really a word?) guy at twelve o'clock, playing video games. nevermind. i am afraid of intimidating and distancing others if i am myself. possible Mills students at seven o'clock; maybe they're friends of eden's. utterly unable/unwilling to read. unsure why. impenetrable mind. talk of going to cemetery; utterly uninterested. interacting in certain ways on campus don't feel right off campus. certain things ok on campus (when no one's looking) not ok in public. does this make me a bad person? i don't wish to be "weak...

"It is the East, and Juliet is the sun, Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon Who is sick with grief that...? [Shakespeare's "Romeo and Juliet," of course]

No, not t-shirt. This actually is not a complaint; more of a lament, perhaps, but definitely good news. No, seriously, I did spend a summer at Harvard one year and I came home with several Harvard t-shirts. Well worth the tuition (!). What I learned at Harvard kept me alive for years; it was the flame beneath my bunsen burner (or fondue pot, or insert your own metaphor!) during all those years with with the illness, without any answers, and with no hope. It taught me about who I am, and I came back feeling validated for the first time. I liked myself, and I found others who liked me for who I was. I belonged; I was no longer "different." These are invaluable lessons, and they have nothing to do with the "prestige" of the Harvard name.

not really, of course. but my dad does disdain their inability to forecast more than a few days' ahead, an expectation which i do not have. many of them seem overly cheerful, however. how exciting can it be that it will (may?) be 65 degrees in Fremont and 60 F in SF? and then there's the "education" component. samantha mohr of kpix mentions "offshore flow" entirely too often for my comfort level. she also smiles a bit too much, given the subject matter. plus, whence this consensus that sunny weather is preferable to rainy? and the assumption that all viewers feel the same way? finally, this incestuous exchange of a unique brand of humor between news anchors; sports person, weather person, main anchor(s)... dana king is supremely confident but i think they all make fun of ken bastida. i think he has abandonment issues. "if one could line up all the lawyers in the world head to foot, it would be a good thing."

I feel like a liquid that seeps into others' pores. school is the last thing on my mind. the very last. i am preoccupied with so much more. afraid to put it down here for fear of being judged, but the point of this whole thing is for my benefit, not others'. it takes courage to "put myself out there", but that still isn't the point. i'm not a martyr, though i often feel that way. sacrificied on the altar of god knows what. see, no one knows the true story except my parents, and the many others who "knew me when." no one else is in any position to judge. i thought i would be so much better by now. i thought i would be the way i was before, but now i think that will never happen. i have no inner life, i cannot read, i have less interest in life overall than i used to. i call this "being depressed about being depressed." i've been eating way too much sugar lately, and trying not to hate myself. it's a downward spiral. i fe...

i would like to get a t-shirt that says, "Schizophrenia is not a crime," because i want to do more to raise awareness about mental illness. i have a t-shirt about AIDS, and i want to do other activist stuff. shock value not for its own sake, but for the sake of making people see the error of the stigma, and offering them another way. i mean, we have all these lance armstrong wristbands and breast cancer, etc., but i feel people need to be catapulted into a new dimension, one where disclosing schizophrenia is as routine and unremarkable as disclosing diabetes or near-sightedness. it will be, one day, but not for me. i am of the "lost generation."

I just found out that my best friend from childhood is pregnant. Now all the girls I grew up with are moms, and I've never been in a serious relationship, thanks to having bipolar. And, I may never be able to have kids, even if I find the right guy, because of my meds, and/or my age when I would be ready to. Things have been strained ever since bipolar. One of uncountable other losses to the illness that I nor anyone else deserves. Why does this all have to be so difficult. I am such a pariah. How will I ever meet anyone at this rate? I cannot be honest, and I cannot lie. What am I supposed to do? I did not create this problem for myself, yet I am the only one who can solve it. I cannot deal with other people's happiness. It's just one blow after another. I cannot relate to people who are having kids. It's one bitter pill after another, no pun intended. I did not ask for this. Loss of life, loss of love. I am so bitter and so angry. To no end; it does not ...

Iran's new president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, may be the Kim Jong Il of the Middle East; erratic, ignorant, arbitrary. he recently issued a statement about wanting to "erase israel off the map." Exactly how serious is he about "getting rid" of Israel? It's one thing to make anti-Israeli rhetoric, it's quite another to actually take steps to do it. Kind of like the difference between the Cold War remaining a stand-off and Moscow or Washington launching nuclear missiles. one more reason to lose sleep over tensions in the Middle East.

i still feel like i'm alienating people. i don't always like or respect myself, and that's part of it. i don't always know who i am; that's another problem. i feel like it was more important to please others, growing up, than it was to be true to myself. i also feel like "being right" was more important than listening to others. I wish I had had a shot at a normal life. I despise watching others have the life I was going to have because it's so unfair. I've been robbed of so much. I definitely still do things to attract attention, and do not like that about myself. I don't know why I do things I don't like. I just love the Olympics. I have such happy memories of watching them with my parents when I was a kid. I just love situations where people participate in something larger than themselves; it's such a rush. And the Olympics are such a happy time, there are no politics involved they way there are in almost any other situat...

i am living vicariously through people on tv and in world events. i don't know when that will change. i guess being at mills is an improvement, but i thought it would be more of one. getting off campus is particularly difficult, even though there are many things off-campus i'd like to do. solution? don't know yet.

I'm disappointed that much of Europe is trumpeting the right to free speech, to publish anything, etc., but they are totally ignoring the need not to go overboard. Depicting the prophet muhammed is blasphemous to begin with, but to make fun of him is downright inflammatory. There is an element of neo-nazism in many european countries, but i'm not sure that played a role in this. A Catholic country like France should really know better than to publish such cartoons. Honestly--there are some pretty disturbing images of Jesus I could come up with that would royally piss them off. I think that political tensions are such that the cartoons are simply a catalyst that taps into the resentment and rage that already exists in much of the muslim world. i feel much of that rage is justifiable. i can see the violence carrying on for awhile, and it is unusual for europe to be the recipient of such rage for the muslim world. apparently several european countries have donated millions ...

But I suggest he get his head checked. There's a rumor going around; and I wouldn't expect it to be true except it makes sense and explains a lot. "Apparently," he told someone that he has Katie Holmes "tucked away" so that she'll be a full-time mom to "his" kid, (not "our" kid) and not become another Nicole Kidman (i.e. someone who tries to balance work and family)! my sources are sites like defamer.com and similar ones. at any rate, this confirms a lot of his odd behavior (for me) and makes me dislike him even more strongly.

i'm pretty sensitive, though, and never know how/when to take a joke, whether it's really a joke, or whether i'm being "dissed". i'm remarkably unintelligent when it comes to certain social issues. i know that my mom takes umbrage at everything; i probably got that from her. i'm pretty paranoid when it comes to other people not liking me. i don't know if i'm at fault somehow or whether i just haven't met the right people. at any rate, i'm tired of my self-esteem hinging on whatever i perceive others feel about me at any given moment. i think it's time to give that up. darned if i know what maturity looks like. i would like to get out more; i'm starting to feel grouchy about being cooped up in a dorm where there's noise virtually 24 hours a day, not much privacy, etc. i'd like to meet a nice guy, really. that's about it. so i managed to change my sheets today. i've been pretty non-functional all weekend; it...

a friend is someone who sees you as an equal, and treats you as such. badmouthing someone behind their back does not qualify as friendship; particularly not judgment made out of ignorance. i must hold myself to the same standards to which i strive to hold others. i've had a pretty "uneven" life till now; judging myself and others too harshly while permitting behavior i'm no longer willing to condone. a poisonous mix of insecurity, low self-esteem, anger, self-pity, and arrogance. i am furious that someone took my white cotton blanket out of the laundry room. it's pathetic and immature, and i don't know how i'll get it back. today's lesson is learning how not to allow others to define me. having my own approval matters more than having others' without having my own. i'll never find the kind of people i want to find without first accepting myself. i am not comfortable feeling "categorized." i do not wish to feel controlled by oth...

nothing humorous or pithy here today. it's been a difficult couple of days, but, as usual, I feel slightly reborn after slogging through lots of crap. i'm looking forward to relaxing in front of the grammys--provided no one else has reserved the tv for something else--and catching up on small assignments, having turned in a French paper late today. I have a cold now; possibly the result of the tumult of the past couple of days. someone has stolen my white bedspread out of the laundry room! i knew i shouldn't have left it so long but i'm very angry and sad all the same. i believe in global warming; i've lived in the Bay Area all my life and have never witnessed a winter as warm as this one. i must get ready for dinner. what's in the news today? iran's president is an idiot, and he looks like a runt. i feel sorry for most iranians, who deserve so much more. i don't appreciate his "let's obliterate israel" policy, nor his desire to mock...

it wasn't. i woke up early without any "hangover" sensation. haven't felt sleep-deprived all day, which is a minor miracle. i'm SO resentful at having to do my homework tomorrow; cooped up in this institution that is totally removed from meaning; as if I haven't been locked away for enough years as it is. insult to injury; the stupidity of the system. i am still kept away from what i want and what brings meaning to my life. i don't want an internship; i want a real job. enough already with this "student" nonsense. i left school years ago and never returned. i'm having a hard time getting work done and wonder if "blogging" here may help. my french presentation went much better than I expected (HYPERBOLE). i actually enjoy being in front of a group of people. i'm writing my first french paper in forever (HYPERBOLE), though, and I really want to improve my french because i know that my english writing has improved a lot o...

I wear my unhappiness and self-hatred around my waist in the form of extra pounds. I can't remember the last time I felt attractive and vivacious. The X kill my humanity almost as much as they help. I want to exercise but I don't; I attribute that discrepancy to X. My eyes look dead to me when I look in the mirror. I'm still not happy and I'm assuming it's because I'm in the wrong place in life, through no fault of my own. Life is losing meaning again. I'm really out of touch with my feelings with no one to talk to. No sisters, etc. I couldn't care less about my homework if I tried. It holds no connection to the outside world and I feel victimized by life and by the system again. So much trauma, I don't know where to begin. Sometimes I feel like one raw nerve, hanging out there for all to see. Everywhere I turn is painful; I don't remember how it feels not to suffer, or when life was effortless. I feel doomed to walk in chains the rest...

The highest proportion of students using Macs I've ever seen is at a woman's school, and that makes me think than men's and women's brains do work differently. At coed schools, there seem to be many more PCs.

unrescuable. cast to the wolves once again, without explanation. what does God want from me? i look depressed and overweight in the x'mas pictures; still can't accept what the illness and medication side effects have done to my appearance. dinner was awful tonight. i needed protein because my blood sugar is low and there wasn't any. there is nowhere to put my sadness. the stupid counseling center is ignorant enough to limit people to just 10 sessions. the heighth of stupidity and incompetency; they can't recognize when someone needs help and meet that need. life lets me down once again. my darkest hour sneaks up on me every now and then, and there isn't enough love to heal it. i can't relate to my family at all, in some ways, and am completely alone with my situation that no one knows anything about. what is the cure for this loneliness? i can't talk to normal people or my family; i can't get counseling right now. what is the solution? i'...

there is no limit to how cruel life can be. history passes some people by. i feel like that war II general who "rescued" Easy Company in Bastogne. What was his name? my memory is like a sieve. anyway, he's the one whose life was full of promise and expectation and anticipation but he never got the chance at greatness till war II, and i believe he died shortly afterward. he had a sense of destiny that went unfulfilled. george patton? i'm not sure. not montgomery, or eisenhower, obviously; it wasn't a british guy. i think he went to west point. my dad says that "some people are born great, others achieve greatness, and some have it thrust upon them" i feel like i've watched all sorts of mediocre idiots have all kinds of opportunities i always thought i would have.

must throw a bone to the agony that shrieks within. i'm thoroughly enjoying terry bradshaw on jay leno's show. i wish i could laugh at myself the way he can at himself. i met joe montana, once, at a bookstore. not met, really, i was the cashier and he handed me his books with a small smile. he was with his daughter. i sense he's a really nice guy, and he moved so beautifully; like a cat. such efficiency of movement. i'm really excited about the olympics. too bad i can't see the opening ceremony because i have An Die Musik instead. oh well. i do enjoy that class. it reminds me of my love of literature, which vanished for i don't know how many years.

I send "pings" out from time to time, when no one is looking or listening, like a sonar machine. Like at Pomona, I just wanted someone to hear me, to listen, to be on my frequency. I don't want to read about the Sundance Film Festival, I want to be there. I don't want to read about celebrities, I want my own chance to get out into the world and meet interesting people, contribute, learn about what others are up to; meet really cool people, interact, feel useful and appreciated, have others take an interest in me. wounded. bird with wings clipped.

We at Ethel Moore are full of joy to announce the birth of Halie's nephew! Carter Allen Johnson was born at 5:45pm, weighed 5 pounds 14 ounces, and is 17 inches long! We've just had a champagne toast with Brigit, Brenna, Lorien, Amina, Halie, and Diana. Welcome to the world, baby boy, we are overwhelmed with love and happiness for you!

[Groucho Marx]

that real, live friends of mine are reading my blog. perhaps I should begin all kinds of intricate inter-personal intrigues by planting erroneous info, false sightings of people at various places (Brigit has been spending waaaay too much time with the EF guys, e.g.). anyway, I'm terribly excited to have anyone perusing this blog; i hope to change it frequently enough that folks keep coming back.

Brigit and Halie are reading Shakespeare aloud in Halie's room. Brigit had no chocolate. Brenna and I are in the rec room watching "Without a Trace". I like Anthony LaPaglia, and I think the attractive Latina actress is the token "eye candy" to draw male viewers in, and she's a very good actress, thankfully. I think the show is produced by Jerry Bruckheimer--what isn't, these days? The acting by the extras is dreadful. CSI: Miami extras are even worse at acting. Lorien just stopped in to see if I can drive her home from her wisdom tooth extraction. Friday afternoon: Brenna wants to go for a walk at Lake Merritt, I need to shower and would like to go to Gaylord's tonight. Natasha went home for the weekend, and Patricia gave Lorien post-tooth extraction advice. Claire stopped in for some envelopes, saying she'd left hers at home. I said mine were Californian envelopes, not from Wyoming, and hopefully that would suffice. It's 11:40pm Fri...

Is it really asking too much for decent television at 7pm? Even Anderson Cooper has succumbed to the mind-numbing (it must always be a slow news day for them to be airing this kind of drivel) stuff CNN must be pushing at him. There is nothing to do. I felt miles away from everyone at dinner; wrong place at the wrong time. Eva Longoria makes me mad because she looks the way I used to feel. No longer. She doesn't sound very nice, though. So many people know nothing about mental illness and it's really annoying. Now I'm watching Nancy Grace, whose show I enjoyed during the Scott Peterson trial but now her one-sided coverage at a shrill pitch is a little grating on the nerves. Brigit's door is closed so I'm down here in the rec room alone; quite depressing. I have homework that I don't wish to do, as usual. I'd rather be out having a life for once. Must research what to do this summer; another annoying question since I have no money and most internship...

I am enamored of "House," since it stars one of my favorite British actors and has a rather unique main character (unique for prime-time tv, that is). The writing for Hugh Laurie (pictured) is fantastic, as is the character in general, who hates his patients almost as much as he hates himself and somewhere in between the sarcasm and semi-cruelty, he has brilliance and a shred of humanity. Almost enough for me to feel attracted...heck, yes I find him attractive. I also like that while the character has a limp, Laurie chooses to use the cane in the wrong hand for the injury. His acceptance speech at the Golden Globes cracked me up--I should be so lucky ever to find someone like him, let alone fall in love, let double alone he fall for me. Where does my low self-esteem come from? I get compliments fairly often--some of them I solicit--but that really isn't necessary. Very odd.

my dear friends who saw me through the darkest of the dark, who believed in me long after I'd stopped believing in myself, gave me hope when there was none, loved me through it all, not in spite of it all.

bureaucracy traffic excessively loud people having my feelings hurt doing things that make me not like myself lack of satisfactory health care system underfunded police and education eating too much sugar putting life aside to go to school loneliness lost opportunities ignorance misogyny, homophobia, closed-mindedness poorly written blogs; heck, even just poorly written blogs, or anything else, for that matter (please note i do not consider this blog to be grammatically gold-medal-worthy)

more to come about my friend, Brian B., who passed away a couple of years ago. "Cleanse me, and I shall be whiter than snow." --somewhere in the Bible, paraphrased the world felt different, as if the sun had been removed from the sky and the earth would grow infinitely cold. he used to say, "Go where you're fed." he loved me so much it was absolutely terrifying; like getting too close to the sun, but i was warm for the first time. i miss him. he just knew that everything was always going to be OK.

I languished in the Inland Empire for a few years before realizing what was really going on. It's been a long road, but I have returned in some slim, vaguely reminiscent version of the person I might have been years ago. i'd like to reconnect with the school, somehow. i feel ready.

"We few, we happy few, we band of brothers; For he to-day that sheds his blood with me Shall be my brother." [Shakespeare's Henry V] I'm obsessed with D-Day. I'm particularly interested in Easy Company, of the 101st Airborne Division, about which the Steven Spielberg-produced "Band of Brothers" was made. I'd also like to visit the D-Day museum in New Orleans. The name of the author who wrote those well-received books, one of which is about E Company, has slipped my mind, but I believe he was connected to that museum before he passed away.

Some of my favorite Will Farrell quotes from SNL: As Harry Carry hosting an astronomy show : "Would you eat the moon if it were made of barbequed spare ribs? I would, then I'd polish it off with a tall, cool Budweiser." "Now, Professor, if you had the choice of being the top scientist in your field or getting mad cow disease, which would you choose?" Professor: "Uh, the top scientist in my field." Farrell: "Oh good. I was worried you'd choose mad cow disease." Professor: "Why did you think that?" Farrell: "I don't know. I guess I'm just a worrier." As "Inside the Actor's Studio" host James Lipton: "You make Gandhi look like a child pornographer." (to Alec Baldwin's character who starred in Cannonball Run II) "I'm going to choose a word right now...SCRUMTRULESCENT! Your acting in Cannonball Run II was absolutely scrumtrulescent!" "I have a fever, and the onl...

I wish I had thought of that before Carrie Fisher did!

Do you lose sleep at night wondering whether "who" or "whom" is most appropriate for any given sentence? Do you commit such atrocities as not differentiating your "its" and "it's"; or, even worse, your "their", "there", and "they're"? Disclaimer: Any grammatical errors on this site are entirely the fault of someone other than its author. A really funny book about grammar is "Eats, Shoots, and Leaves". It had me laughing out loud; the grammar lessons are incidental to the humor. Another book, this one for armchair daredevils, is "The World's Most Dangerous Places". Looking for the just the right four-year sniper school? How to talk your way out of a thorny hostage situation? The most dangerous place on the planet at any given moment? This is your tome. On a more rational and entirely unrelated note, I highly recommend the "Lonely Planet" series of travel books for those...

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone, Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone, Silence the pianos and with muffled drum Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come. Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead, Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves, Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves. He was my North, my South, my East and West, My working week and my Sunday rest, My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song; I thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong. The stars are not wanted now: put out every one; Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun; Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood. For nothing now can ever come to any good. [W.H. Auden]

I think that Harrison Ford has a drinking problem. He's been slurring his speech for quite awhile, inexplicably, and actually came onstage with a drink in his hand at the Globes, handing it to co-presenter Virginia Madsen before reading from the teleprompter. What Calista Flockhart is doing with him, I don't know. Though, if she has a history of eating disorders, as seems likely, she may feel comfortable with a fellow substance abuser. Who knows what other kind of emotional history she may have. Poor Britney Spears may be pregnant a second time. I think she's trying to create a life of normalcy for herself, and doesn't know how. She's definitely picked the wrong guy, and seems to need to straighten herself out before making any decisions for other people. I think she fell from the very high pedestal everyone had her on, and I think she had no idea she was being used and was largely a puppet. Now that she knows, she has absolutely no idea who she is or where t...

Poor Paula Abdul dresses like a teenager even though she's nearly 40. Terrible pressure in the entertainment industry not to age, but I think aging gracefully is better than fighting it. Dr. Phil is such a hypocrite. I feel anger in his body language; have you ever seen him on Jay Leno? He is mean and insulting; obviously not someone who pays any attention to his own life or emotional experience. And look at the money he's making! One of Oprah's poorer judgment calls, in my opinion. Back to Idol, though. Ryan Seacrest has done a wonderful job at transcending the annoying "I host a popular reality show" persona to an entertainment entrepreneur of sorts, following in the shoes of Dick Clark. I'm dangerous approaching having respect for him. He summarily fired Kathy Griffin, for one, after purchasing part of E! Entertainment television or something along those lines. There seems to be a certain age in our development when we dream of being famous; a phase...

"No knees is good knees." "Breakfast in San Francisco, lunch in New York, baggage in South Africa." "By the time you reach my age, you're so forgetful you can hide your own Easter eggs!" "CNN's motto should be 'No News All The Time'" "Alitalia: Always Late in Takeoff, Always Late in Arrrival" "Air France: Air Chance" "I shall return" (MacArthur) On setting off the alarm at airport security x-ray machine, "It must be my magnetic personality." "People wear either costumes or uniforms"

Figure skating soap operas, terrible costumes, dull music. I like Sasha Cohen, and think Michelle Kwan won't win because she's trying too hard. I won't miss Sarah Hughes if she's not skating. Bobsledding, "luge", other dangerous sports involving frozen water and sharp blades (note: Dr. Evil alluded to his "luge lessons" as a child growing up in Belgium along with some other unmentionable activities in "Austin Powers"). Extreme skiing, jumping off incredibly high cliffs, Bode Miller (remember Alberto Tomba?), big egos, touching life stories of triumph over adversity. Too many commercials, not enough time to watch all the fun stuff. Curling does not qualify as "fun stuff", in my opinion; what on earth are they doing up there in Canada, anyway? Speed skating and short track speed skating, which looks like a spoof of The Three Stooges. Half-pipe snowboarding, the sport with the stupidest terms and most marijuana: "McTwist?...