Once Upon a Time, When i was Young
I feel like a liquid that seeps into others' pores.
school is the last thing on my mind. the very last. i am preoccupied with so much more. afraid to put it down here for fear of being judged, but the point of this whole thing is for my benefit, not others'. it takes courage to "put myself out there", but that still isn't the point. i'm not a martyr, though i often feel that way. sacrificied on the altar of god knows what.
see, no one knows the true story except my parents, and the many others who "knew me when." no one else is in any position to judge.
i thought i would be so much better by now. i thought i would be the way i was before, but now i think that will never happen. i have no inner life, i cannot read, i have less interest in life overall than i used to. i call this "being depressed about being depressed."
i've been eating way too much sugar lately, and trying not to hate myself. it's a downward spiral. i feel very alone. i saw my parents today, which was refreshing, but they are aging, and i haven't been able to establish my own life, which hurts on so very many levels.
many of the people from my real life are aging and dying. my old life is crumbling with the passage of time. i'm all that remains, sometimes, but i'm getting older too. my bones are thinning, my hair will never stop falling out, i have wrinkles and sun damage; i never thought this would happen.
i'm 29; but i'm not. it's so unfair. i'm already starting to feel old but haven't ever felt young. it's not my time, yet. as a kid, i would lie awake at night thinking about how happy i was to be alive, how many exciting things lay in my future. i loved life and was always afraid something would happen to take that away, but never believed it.
there is so little to be salvaged. i still have no peers; i am always among strangers. it is so unfair. i don't know what i'll do when my parents pass; i have no siblings. i thought things would get better once i "got well," but i'm not and they aren't.
too much sadness to deal with, and no support system. i am almost completely alone. sometimes i feel like my parents are my best friends, they're the only ones who know the real me. they never look at me funny when i can't stutter or find the right words; when i stare off into space or can't shower, or go for long periods without speaking. they're the only ones who remind me of who i was, and i am terrified to be without that. it all hurts so much.
i can't tell you how little school means to me. it postpones my life yet again. waiting for a future that never comes...i just want to curl into a ball until i don't. i live vicariously through others, i feel most comfortable at the movies or in front of the tv. food has been my intimate companion, which i detest and resent, seeing as i used to be a model and took feeling glamorous and fabulous for granted.
our cat's life is hanging in the balance, and with it goes a huge piece of my life, like another iceberg broken off. he's a huge link to my past. history passes some people by; what can i say? i try to believe that there must have been other women like me somewhere in history; who had all kinds of promise, only for it to be utterly wasted.
ultimately, i must look into my own mirror; not other people's. i can't tell anyone around me what's really going on; they have no idea. i need to find a support group, where i feel normal. they're the only ones who know what it's like.
school is the last thing on my mind. the very last. i am preoccupied with so much more. afraid to put it down here for fear of being judged, but the point of this whole thing is for my benefit, not others'. it takes courage to "put myself out there", but that still isn't the point. i'm not a martyr, though i often feel that way. sacrificied on the altar of god knows what.
see, no one knows the true story except my parents, and the many others who "knew me when." no one else is in any position to judge.
i thought i would be so much better by now. i thought i would be the way i was before, but now i think that will never happen. i have no inner life, i cannot read, i have less interest in life overall than i used to. i call this "being depressed about being depressed."
i've been eating way too much sugar lately, and trying not to hate myself. it's a downward spiral. i feel very alone. i saw my parents today, which was refreshing, but they are aging, and i haven't been able to establish my own life, which hurts on so very many levels.
many of the people from my real life are aging and dying. my old life is crumbling with the passage of time. i'm all that remains, sometimes, but i'm getting older too. my bones are thinning, my hair will never stop falling out, i have wrinkles and sun damage; i never thought this would happen.
i'm 29; but i'm not. it's so unfair. i'm already starting to feel old but haven't ever felt young. it's not my time, yet. as a kid, i would lie awake at night thinking about how happy i was to be alive, how many exciting things lay in my future. i loved life and was always afraid something would happen to take that away, but never believed it.
there is so little to be salvaged. i still have no peers; i am always among strangers. it is so unfair. i don't know what i'll do when my parents pass; i have no siblings. i thought things would get better once i "got well," but i'm not and they aren't.
too much sadness to deal with, and no support system. i am almost completely alone. sometimes i feel like my parents are my best friends, they're the only ones who know the real me. they never look at me funny when i can't stutter or find the right words; when i stare off into space or can't shower, or go for long periods without speaking. they're the only ones who remind me of who i was, and i am terrified to be without that. it all hurts so much.
i can't tell you how little school means to me. it postpones my life yet again. waiting for a future that never comes...i just want to curl into a ball until i don't. i live vicariously through others, i feel most comfortable at the movies or in front of the tv. food has been my intimate companion, which i detest and resent, seeing as i used to be a model and took feeling glamorous and fabulous for granted.
our cat's life is hanging in the balance, and with it goes a huge piece of my life, like another iceberg broken off. he's a huge link to my past. history passes some people by; what can i say? i try to believe that there must have been other women like me somewhere in history; who had all kinds of promise, only for it to be utterly wasted.
ultimately, i must look into my own mirror; not other people's. i can't tell anyone around me what's really going on; they have no idea. i need to find a support group, where i feel normal. they're the only ones who know what it's like.
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