Rumination Illumination

i still feel like i'm alienating people. i don't always like or respect myself, and that's part of it. i don't always know who i am; that's another problem. i feel like it was more important to please others, growing up, than it was to be true to myself. i also feel like "being right" was more important than listening to others.

I wish I had had a shot at a normal life. I despise watching others have the life I was going to have because it's so unfair. I've been robbed of so much. I definitely still do things to attract attention, and do not like that about myself. I don't know why I do things I don't like.

I just love the Olympics. I have such happy memories of watching them with my parents when I was a kid. I just love situations where people participate in something larger than themselves; it's such a rush. And the Olympics are such a happy time, there are no politics involved they way there are in almost any other situation. I love the drama, the human interest stories, etc.

My mom and I went to the Atlanta games for two days; it was great.

I am still connected to others in a way that prevents me from feeling connected and free to be myself. I am entirely too happy for this figure skating pair who just skated beautifully and "made Olympic history."

I feel like I compulsively act in ways to distance others, and I don't know why.

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