The Anatomy of Feeling Beautiful

It's in the details--sort of. How is it that I get so many compliments, but it never feels like enough? Why should compliments leave me feeling empty? I'd like to fix that. I don't want to live in a "not good enough" mindset. I get tons of compliments, and I always have. Seriously--I get compliments on my hair, face, eyes, skin, elegance, gracefulness, eyelashes, smile, fashion sense, profile, neck, shoulders, fingers, hands, legs, and feet. Why doesn't that feel like enough? Non-appearance-related compliments include my intelligence, writing ability, analytical skills, language proficiency (compliments from French, German, Spanish, Finnish, and almost every English teacher), memory, sense of humor, leadership skills, tact, articulation, dancing ability, sense of rhythm, kindness, spelling ability, counseling skills, patience, tenacity, resourcefulness, coordination, my tennis serve, perception/observation, attention span, maturity (ha!), perseverance, bravery, strength, compassion, etc etc etc. Why am I still so insecure if I have so much going for me? Just today, an instructor told me I should pursue a career in academia because she thinks I'm "brilliant" and have "so much going for me." Why do I still look for approval everywhere? If I'm so blessed and fabulous, why don't I feel that way? People have been singing my praises since my very first memories, and somehow it's still not enough. My psychiatrist says I have a "first-class mind;" my dermatologist thinks I'm "brilliant and gorgeous." How is this still not enough? I can't tell you how many times I've been described as "beautiful," "gorgeous," or "pretty," but I'm still seeking compliments from others. Why?

I already talked to the people in the room above mine tonight about being quiet, and they're still giggling and moving furniture around. So irritating. The selfishness of youth. Not for me, anymore.