Hell Hath No Fury Like the Devil When He's Been Sa[t]an-Wrapped

Stephen Colbert: The Pittsburgh Post Gazette is reporting on a new phenomenon called wrap rage. Where people injure themselves trying to open difficult plastic packages with sharp objects. It goes on to say that according to a report, British researchers blame wrap rage for more than 60,000 injuries in that country. Okay, let's see, if England's population is 60 million, and they had 60,000 injuries, and our population is 300 million, how many injuries would we... hold on, I can do this. Um, let me just get my brand new graphing calculator.
[Gets out a calculator in a wrapped plastic package, and tries to open it]

Host: This, uh, this'll only take a second here.
[Can't open it]

Host: Let me get that...
[Tries to bite it open, but can't]

Host: Okay, I'm gonna lose that battle right there... let me get that.
[Tries to use a pencil, but it breaks]

Host: Okay... motherfucker, okay! Get open, come on!
[Tries to stab scissors through it]

Host: You are MINE! I will see you in HELL!
[Throws the package away]

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