More Than Anything
I want to be loved and appreciated, and un-alone. Is that really so much to ask? Talking to my new resource today made me realize just how real everything I've been through is, and how massive, and how much I really have missed out on. I'm not making this sh*t up. Companionship, camaraderie, un-loneliness are my particular "owies" tonight. How does one spell that? You know, when you hit your elbow against a sharp corner and say "Ow! That hurt!" The plural version?
Had too much coffee tonight; I'm up late and will regret it tomorrow. It's so easy to fall behind with the reading. My French paper is 90% finished, I'll have to put some finishing touches on tomorrow morning before printing it (and the article for Let 149) and taking my add form to Lawson for another signature, and going to the registrar before 4pm when they close, but I have classes all day long, with barely time for lunch. Will be a full, busy, sleep-deprived day :-(. My least favorite kind.
It's the loneliness that really kills me, not even necessarily now, when I'm surrounded by friends, but the knowledge, the burden of the knowledge of the magnitude of what I've missed out on. The thought of allowing anyone to buy me a drink or do anything for me terrifies me, and it hurts because that's never really happened.
It's not just the having, it's the not-having; it's the drink after the drought that's so much more quenching than any drink before then, and so agonizing to go without yet again. It's the being saved that hurts, and the being left that agonizes. I'd been without oxygen for so long, finally began to breathe, and had the source turned off.
I must to bed; it's quite late and I must get up with time to spare before class demain. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, though, even if it's a decade behind schedule.
Had too much coffee tonight; I'm up late and will regret it tomorrow. It's so easy to fall behind with the reading. My French paper is 90% finished, I'll have to put some finishing touches on tomorrow morning before printing it (and the article for Let 149) and taking my add form to Lawson for another signature, and going to the registrar before 4pm when they close, but I have classes all day long, with barely time for lunch. Will be a full, busy, sleep-deprived day :-(. My least favorite kind.
It's the loneliness that really kills me, not even necessarily now, when I'm surrounded by friends, but the knowledge, the burden of the knowledge of the magnitude of what I've missed out on. The thought of allowing anyone to buy me a drink or do anything for me terrifies me, and it hurts because that's never really happened.
It's not just the having, it's the not-having; it's the drink after the drought that's so much more quenching than any drink before then, and so agonizing to go without yet again. It's the being saved that hurts, and the being left that agonizes. I'd been without oxygen for so long, finally began to breathe, and had the source turned off.
I must to bed; it's quite late and I must get up with time to spare before class demain. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, though, even if it's a decade behind schedule.
Comments
It's probably more rewarding to do things for others.
You feel helpful, useful, needed, loved by others ...
than to have someone wait hand and foot on you.