Long Time Gone

SNL tonight. I am prepared to be brutal. Dane Cook told two funny jokes in several painful minutes on stage. Opening sketch not funny. Homeland Security sketch--non Dane Cook actor blatantly rips off Chris Farley's "Inspirational Speaker" voice.

Beat you to it, Jon Stewart! Oh, wait; there isn't a presidential election next year. Rather, an event of more import takes place: Diana's graduation! I still don't know which courses I'm taking next semester or whether I'll be able to double major or not. There are more classes offered than I have room for, so I'll have to make some choices. I get anxious when it comes to the registrar, though; I wouldn't want to decide in January to double major, and then be denied due to a silly deadline or something equally trivial. *European Realism, with one of my favorite instructors *Theories of International Relations (ouch?), required, with one of my favorite instructors *Les Lumières (The Enlightenment): "Un cours avancé qui combine la littérature et la philosophie depuis les débuts du mouvement au 17ème siècle jusqu'à la fin du 18ème (de Descartes à Rousseau et Condorcet, mais on lit aussi du théatre et des romans)." *Advanced Grammar and Tran...

No, not the ex-leader of Ethiopia, "Haile Selassie," but our very own HJ here in Ethel Moore. She has arrived in DC and will return in a few days. I hope to put some pics of her trip up here. We miss her!

People have called me "princess" all my life. I don't really think about it. I take it for granted. Odd, isn't it, that I should overlook such an amazing compliment? Is it a compliment? Maybe it doesn't mean that much; or if it does, I wouldn't know until it went away. Hmm. I don't mean to brag, because I'm not sure this can be anything to brag about. Most people aren't called "princess" and are just as happy and happier than I am, who are more secure and more confident than I am. My dad always calls me "princess," as do my friends and people I don't even know. *shrug*. I don't know. It just is. I can't wait to hear about Liz's night at the opera tomorrow. I had a chocolate-chip waffle at breakfast. Is that bad (to quote Natasha?)

Why must I encounter so much internal resistance to some schoolwork? I'm dreading this French présentation and the work I must do pour la préparer et je ne sais pas pourquoi. AArgh. Il y a tants d'autre devoirs I want to do this weekend and I hope French doesn't monopolize the whole thing.

[i never know which words to capitalize and which not to in blog post titles] i spend too much time in others' heads. it was helpful to speak with the oracle about that today. flashes of loneliness, moments of relief, insights that lift burdens and doubts and fill in empty spaces in between the lines. so much recovering to do. lots is underway. such a relief to have an island to rest on once a week, to catch my breath, dry off a bit. i remember vacating my own mind when it was under siege those many years ago (i still can't believe I'm missing a huge chunk of years). i got two good reports from doctors yesterday. Woodrow said that this is the best he's ever seen me, and we've been working together since 1999 or 2000. i agree. i feel more composed than ever, more on top of things. I'd forgotten how easy life is without the symptoms. effortless. I'd take "real life" problems over the illness any day. it's good that this is a more sol...

[this is not a scratch-and-sniff blog, however]

I'm so pleased. I put the poster on my door, the one about the study I'm participating in at Stanford, and I can hear people having a conversation about bipolar in the hall. It's getting people talking about it! And, earlier, Misrak stopped in with a bunch of questions about the study and about my experience. AND, there is a branch of a national mental health organization starting up here at Mills! They need officers and people to sit on the board and I'm really hoping to land an influential position. Very exciting.

Satellite photo of night falling across Europe and northern Africa.

Satellite photo of a sand storm leaving North Africa and the Canary Islands, some of which will end up in Florida.

The "band" "System of a Down" is "performing" on a rerun of SNL, and the first words that come to mind are "vampire pirates." They also look like KISS before they put on their makeup. Or like a weird, dracula-like version of Metallica. NOT a compliment. Incidentally, Will Forte is doing one of my favorite of his characters, "Andy," who, in varying contexts (this time it's a cheesy local-access tv telethon), picks up a ringing phone and exclaims, "Oh, NO!" in various volumes, rates, tones of voice, or levels of drama. It just kills me. "He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." -- Abraham Lincoln

On tonight's show, Stephen Colbert wanted to remind us that this is the week between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur, when practicing Jewish folks think about any wrongs they've done over the past year and apologize to any injured parties. Stephen thinks that this is the perfect opportunity for Jews around the world to apologize to HIM. So, he set up a big, white, rotary phone on his desk, complete with a big blue star of David on the front, for Jews to call in on and apologize. The phone number for this "repentance hotline" is 1-800-OOPS-JEW. When it rings, which of course it did during the show, it plays the "hava nagila." Fabulous. "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" -- Mark Twain

Keith Olbermann, who is one of my favorite mainstream media people, has shifted his regular "Countdown" show to an investigation of the intelligence failures leading up to 9/11. I understand that people are angry and looking for accountability and blame, but honestly, mistakes like overlooking the perceived threat of al Qaeda pre-9/11 probably happen a lot. None of them actually come to fruition, though, like 9/11 did. No one could have literally foreseen what would have happened on 9/11--it's kind of like the Holocaust; no one could have conceived of it until it actually happened. Knowing what we know about Hitler's plan for the Holocaust, would have have stopped him once he invaded Poland in the first place? Probably. Now that we know what bin Laden is capable of, would the Clinton administration have been more likely to kill him when they had the chance, in Sudan, as ex-CIA bin Laden expert Michael Scheuer claims? Of course. This is all very easy to say in r...

I am sick of the stigma around mental illness, and of the impersonal, condescending, disrespectful way institutions like Stanford go about treating us. Sick to death of it. And furious. I haven't been furious before, on this issue. I am mad to the degree to which I have felt victimized and dis-empowered all these years; humiliated, ignored, overlooked, and judged. Another Winston Churchill insult: "A modest little person, with much to be modest about."

I REALLY don't care if Terrell Owens tried to kill himself or not. His publicist is as ornery as he is. "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." -- Groucho Marx

Not to be confused with discretionary spending. "Are you a Nobel Laureate, sir? I am only allowed to see Nobel Laureates. Sorry." I love how lit crit stuff can get so esoteric. It's fun to mess around with words and abstract meaning. Love it. there is nothing like fresh linens on the bed and fresh air through the window, at night, when it's quiet and everyone--well, not everyone--is asleep, except the crickets or whichever creature makes that noise. "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." -- Oscar Wilde

New Job Posting On Craigslist Clearly For Secretary Of The Interior WASHINGTON, DC—Despite the lack of denial or confirmation from the White House, a job posting in the "admin/office" section of the... "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." -- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." -- Winston Churchill, in response

Area Man Accidentally Responds To Own 'M4M' Ad ATLANTA—A Craigslist personal advertising a "Hot WM Looking 4 Same – 28" was accidentally responded to this Monday by its author,... "He has Van Gogh's ear for music." -- Billy Wilder

Mills has just hired a new security detail, and one of the first things they've done is to prepare fire drills for all the dorms. I am very impressed. Our RAs have been outfitted with snazzy orange vests and big flashlights and they, along with several hefty security guards in official-looking uniforms, stood in strategic locations throughout the dorm and outside of it, effectively ushering along the grumbling Ethel Moore residents. We stood outside, in various states of interrupted-ness, milling about in the parking lot, looking as confused as we felt, and eventually were let back in. Great job by the security people. I really do feel safer, especially because of one burly, strapping young guard whom I've seen simply inspecting the building to make sure there aren't any illegitimate ways in. They have a strong presence (in a good way). Much better than those underfed, scrawny folks from before. "When in trouble, when in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout!...

Here is the photo CNN chose for its front-page story about reports of increased terror threats to the US as a result of the Iraq war. A rather unflattering shot of the president, no?

It's not just Dolly Parton. I lead a very "dense" life these days, where my days are so filled that there is little downtime, if any. I like it that way--I feel productive and engaged in my schoolwork. Many decisions yet to be made, however, academically and in almost every other sense. A good time to be alive. This feels like the way college should be; my first normal year. Papers this semester: Lawson's class: two examination essays and one 1000+ page book review French: five short papers and one presentation Letters: three long-ish papers, one presentation US/Latin American Relations: two midterms (an A on my first!), a final essay Politics of Developing Nations: five 1000 word "reaction" papers, two final essays plus three news summaries and a one-page "thumbnail" sketch of our chosen country--mine is Ethiopia. I'm getting together with the Dean of Student Life to chat and catch up--she's really nice. We met last year to talk...

Five classes, six medications, no break all day, hot weather and too-warm clothing makes Diana a tired girl. Yikes. I want to take a cold bath, after I re-charge my battery here in my room for a bit. Long day. We are learning about how the Iraq war is affecting Syria, which is great since that info is so hard to find in the mainstream press (in short, Syria's economy is in a tailspin, and ethnic tensions are increasing, particularly among their Kurdish and Assyrian Christian populations). I got an "A" on my US/Latin American midterm, and an "A" on my second and third "reaction papers" for 'Politics of Developing Nations.' Tonight I must write my fourth reaction paper for class tomorrow, do the reading, and study enough French to be ready to meet with my group on Thursday to prepare for our présentation next Monday. We also have our deuxième devoir due next week in the same class. And I'm going home for a doctor's appointment, phys...

"... and the words of the prophets are written on the subway wall." That song has been in my head all day, Paul Simon's "Sound of Silence." It narrated my summer at Harvard where I learned how to believe in myself and not bow to peer pressure, that it is ok to be smart, and it's ok to be attractive and smart, that there are small corners of the world where it's ok to be both, where men expect attractive women to be intelligent and appreciate them for it, and are not intimidated (and who also don't mind run-on sentences). There are people like me out there. I do have a place in the world, and I do belong. People do and will value me for who I am, and I have to let them. It's OK to believe in myself again because I'm starting to become myself again. My confidence is returning. I am returning. I have a mental illness, and I am not ashamed. I take six different medications everyday, and it's not because I'm weak. I swallow 12 pi...

If the Germans can make up words, why can't we? Well, we can. I just did. I feel very grateful these days. Very grateful. I never thought I'd get to this place; I thought my recovery had reached a plateau, but it hadn't. If actor Michael J. Fox can have early-onset Parkinson's disease and still entitle his memoirs "Lucky Man," then I can have early-onset bipolar and still call myself "lucky," "blessed," and "fortunate." I'm golden. I always have been.

I've had a really good several days. Graduation looms, grad school is a tangible possibilty, getting out of debt, coming off of disability, funding a 401k, and becoming gainfully employed is actually going to happen. It's been a decade in coming. Can't believe it. One of my instructors encouraged me to go into academia. It feels so good to get positive feedback after all those bipolar-induced years of perceived failure, on my part and on the part of ill-informed others. Dr. Woodrow says I'd make a good doctor, and "many other things." He's just fabulous because he makes me feel fabulous, and that's what it's all about.

It will be interesting to see how John McCain maneuvers his message and platform as we get closer to the next election. He's already been criticized by his base for sounding a bit more right-wing than usual, but any politician trying to appeal to the nation these days will have to do that, I think. I respect him, and am curious to see how much/whether he is willing to compromise his principles. I don't think he does that, in general.

It's in the details--sort of. How is it that I get so many compliments, but it never feels like enough? Why should compliments leave me feeling empty? I'd like to fix that. I don't want to live in a "not good enough" mindset. I get tons of compliments, and I always have. Seriously--I get compliments on my hair, face, eyes, skin, elegance, gracefulness, eyelashes, smile, fashion sense, profile, neck, shoulders, fingers, hands, legs, and feet. Why doesn't that feel like enough? Non-appearance-related compliments include my intelligence, writing ability, analytical skills, language proficiency (compliments from French, German, Spanish, Finnish, and almost every English teacher), memory, sense of humor, leadership skills, tact, articulation, dancing ability, sense of rhythm, kindness, spelling ability, counseling skills, patience, tenacity, resourcefulness, coordination, my tennis serve, perception/observation, attention span, maturity (ha!), perseverance,...

I never know what to capitalize and what not to capitalize. Why do I remain loyal to those who hurt me?

The hazard of remaining in my room adding Stephen Colbert video clips to this blog long after my friends have left for dinner: eating alone once I get to the dining hall! Anticipating this outcome, I brought along my laptop, which means I've spent the entire evening in cyberspace. Here comes Sara. Adieu! I hope you enjoy the Stephen Colbert clips as much as I do. I've reached that point in the evening when the blaring music, screeching tires, and revving engines from the streets of Oakland really begin to grate on my nerves. Don't they know it's rude? When we allow someone to constitute part of us, and they go away, what is left? How do we re-group? How do we not hate them for hurting us? Maybe we only hate those who have opened unhealed wounds; maybe people who can forgive are pretty whole to start with and don't get so taken in by others, aren't so easily swayed. Sadness makes me feel alive; it's a gift, in that sense. It's important to be in...

[not to be confused with "Stephen's Sound Advice," from "The Colbert Report," which includes such tips as washing your computer with warm, soapy water once a week to deter computer viruses]

What's the point of passing legislation if millions of Americans cannot afford it? Since when is it OK to approve tax breaks for corporations (or is it the estate tax? i admit I'm not that well-informed about this) when millions of Americans' basic needs are not being met, despite their best efforts? Could a small re-allocation of wealth be in order, along with an attitude change on the part of many of the elite? "Socialism" is not a four-letter word. "Bush" is. By "socialism," I'm not talking about turning our economy into Sweden's. I'm suggesting that we tweak the system ever so slightly so that the distribution of wealth is a little more appropriate to our current circumstances. Lots of folks at the lower end of the socioeconomic plane are barely getting by--as in millions of them. Corporate America is so bloated that executives are taking home way too much money relative to the needs of others and profits are off the chart...

It might be worthwhile for pundits to take a break from their Hugo Chavez-bashing long enough to realize that the guy has enormous support in many parts of the world and that his Noam Chomsky book-thumping speech at the UN put to words what a lot of people already believe. Yes, he may be full of hot air, I think it's too soon at this point to know, but he also may constitute the forerunnner to "a grave and gathering threat." He's pretty popular in Venezuela, and his rapidly developing BFF relationship with Iran's president, while not cause for immediate concern, should not be overlooked. I hate to make a reference to the all-too-often-referred-to World War II, but how many saw the eventual outcome of the Hitler/Mussolini affiliation coming? The point that many Americans are missing is that we are becoming less and less popular around the globe. How can they not see that? I believe that Venezuelans pay cents per gallon of gasoline, by the way.

I have never met as many fundamentalist Christians as I have at Mills (well, I'd never met any before coming here). What frightens me the most is the conscious decision on the part of some to ignore fact, and the refusal of some adherents to even discuss or explain their views. I never thought that fact and faith were mutually exclusive, but for some, they are. I see no conflict between evolution and creationism, because for me, creationism is metaphorical, not literal. The whole point of a "higher education" is to become critical and learn to ask questions and be skeptical of what appears to be immediately obvious or "a given." Another problem I have with some creationists is that they don't even understand and cannot explain the science they're trying to refute. In my not-always-humble opinion, religious fundamentalism is a form of ignorance and intransigence. Intransigence and faith aren't the same; faith should always be open and flexible,...

Alleviation of alone-ness. Whatever the antithesis to loneliness is is what I'm wishing for tonight. I'm tired of feeling alone around others. I want people who can see right into me and who feel to me as if we're cut from the same cloth. Peers, in every sense. I'm tired of feeling different. I'm already a seasoned professional in feeling different. I'm fluent in it. It's one of my few consistent experiences. I'm tired of difference and I'm tired of distance. Distance between self and others--not geographically. Wretched alone-ness. I just don't want to feel alone anymore, and I don't know if it's something I'm doing or whether it's my environment. I know how it feels to be close to others in a satisfactory way, but it happens so rarely. I feel like I get to let my guard down so rarely, to enjoy true human companionship, and then I have to put my shield back on and keep trudging forward until the next rare opportunit...

Blips on my radar screen that keep disappearing. Trying to shed the imagination like so many skin cells. It's the holding on that hurts, and the letting go that's the b*tch. Falling deeply into others' oceans can be risky. The falling in is easy, the getting out isn't, because it's cold and you're all wet and even putting a towel on doesn't stop the teeth from chattering. unplugging myself from within. How does this work? Knitting up the tattered sleeve of... maybe I'm a boat person; the only one left, floating on the ocean, too far away from Cuba to turn back but with no idea how to get to Florida. c'est mon diaspora; je suis la seule, encore, je me trouve toute seule. moi, je suis mon propre diaspora.

Feet on the ground, head in the clouds. The sounds of crickets outside, seemingly in unison, but probably not. They overtake each other the way different wavelengths (well, they are wavelengths!) do, sometimes competing, sometimes complementary. I feel so busy as to not even have time to write on my blog or do five minutes of yoga before bed. I'd rather read a few more pages because I feel the weight of lots of stuff to do. On some levels, I love being busy; in that state of hyper-functioning and increased intellectual stimulation and production that only something like the pressure of school can elicit. On the other hand, I barely have time for any of my own thoughts in between planning to do which assignments when, and actually doing them. It's like my inner world gets put on hold. This feels the way college should feel; in a way, this feels like my first year of college, where everything lines up: i like my classes, my teachers, the stuff I'm reading, and I'm a...

I formed a positive opinion about Walmart for the first time today, upon hearing that they'll be releasing extremely cheap generic drugs soon (i.e. $4 a prescription). Way to put economies of scale to use, Walmart!

The overwhelm begins. Sheer volume of work. i don't regret taking five classes, but it is a lot of reading and writing papers. loneliness and aloneness definitely aren't the same thing. i need to spend time alone with myself, i just wish i wasn't so lonely (weren't?). sometimes i go looking, occasionally i find. I'm not finding right now. love to you all! I'm sad that I couldn't have had the regular four year college experience that most kids get to have. I can really see how continuity can make for a much more satisfactory experience (obviously, a fragmented college experience wasn't my idea). A chorus of sirens has begun here in Oakland, which makes sense since it's a Friday night. There are different kinds of sirens, some are more like short blips that occur when a unit is pulling over someone they're right behind, usually; then you have the long fire-engine sirens. Sometimes I can hear the officer talking to the driver through that exte...

Am I an acquired taste? How does this work? How do I esteem or appreciate or regard or value myself without going overboard (or doing whatever the opposite of "going overboard" is)? I'm just starting to figure all this out. I want to appreciate and value my strengths, without overvaluing them (sounds too much like a stock portfolio), and be aware of my shortcomings without hating myself for them. Others' opinions of me can be dangerous, just because I'm so sensitive to them. Figuring out my own opinion of myself will probably help. I don't know why I latch onto some people and start worrying about what they think of me. It's very odd, and it only happens with some people. I can't figure out what the underlying dynamic is about. Speaking to my oracle today was helpful, as always. And "SCENE," as they say on Saturday Night Live, to indicate the end of a scene. Goodnight!

according to Stephen Colbert. [please note that i'm not virulently anti-war, even though some of my links and comments may make it seem that way. i include the "antiwar" blog on my link list because it is a good source of news, not because i wholeheartedly embrace their premise.]

"We regret that so many non-believers are flammable (imagining how a pope from the Middle Ages or Inquisition might express regret over religious persecution)." Jon Stewart is cute, and he gets a fair amount of mileage from his facial expressions and overall cuteness. My two favorite Stephens, Colbert and Carell. Such cutie-patooties. "The Daily Show" is doing a retrospective of the duo's "Even Stephen" segment. I wish this stuff was available on DVD. "Goodnight, folks. The show's over, and I'm going home and taking my pants off, because that's what I do." --Stephen Colbert

Iceland, from a satellite.

Man Psyches Self Out During Selection Of Ice-Cream Flavor TALLAHASSEE, FL—Tallahassee resident Hannibal Grant found himself "paralyzed" by the sheer immensity of ice-cream options available to him...

New Bill Would Defend Marriage From Sharks WASHINGTON, DC—Congressional Republicans cited the saw-edged teeth of the shark community as a direct threat to married couples everywhere.

Rumor has it the Saudis are pouring money into Sudan to help the government "rid itself" of "non-Arab infidels." It's interesting that that's where Osama bin Laden went after he was kicked out of Saudi Arabia, isn't it? [VERY loud gunshots, 7 in a row--i wonder if it's a different kind of weapon than i usually hear; 7:44pm]

everything starts to sound like an "-ality" after listening to "coloni-ality" for an entire class.

[Eugene O'Neil and the Beatles, respectively] Quite a long day, beginning with nearly sprinting across the wet grass of the circle in front of the clock tower on campus today. I wasn't late for my midterm, but was plagued with paranoia that I would be. I feel so overstimulated that there's really not much to say. I'm going to get some rest and prepare for tomorrow, when I will consult with my oracle and sit through two and a half hours of "Politics of Developing Nations," which I'm really enjoying. My case study is Ethiopia, which has a fascinating history and complex current situation. I've added several bells and whistles to my web site, and thoroughly enjoyed doing so. Did I mention that Misrak brought back Ethiopian food last night? It was delicious, and the perfect late-night snack, as Halie, Amina and I agonized over our papers for today. I had a good talk both with Miriam and Andrea tonight; I would love to be a psychotherapist, among many...

Why do assignments get harder and harder to finish the closer i get to completing them? Is this another academic law of physics, the way an event horizon describes entering and trying to escape the Mills campus? Heck, if the Monroe Doctrine is going to talk about the inevitability of Cuba falling under the control of the US due to political gravity (please note that political gravity--both kinds--cannot extend as far as Mesopotamia), I can certainly describe the atmosphere around here in Einsteinian terms. [Anna Nicole Smith has hired Elvis Presley's coroner to perform the autopsy on her son. Could she have chosen anyone else? It's a match made in tabloid heaven.] I have quite a bit of work to do; it almost feels like high school again. I'm very willing to do it, but stepping up the pace is taking some getting used to. I had planned to go to Gaylord's tonight, but after cramming all weekend and being up half the night for my midterm this morning and paper that was...

"Lullaby and Goodnight" when i was a kid, i had a mobile that played Johannes Brahms' lullaby. i can still hear it in my mind, sometimes, and i thought i'd share it with you. Speaking of things German, we eat our meals these days with a new foreign student, named Stephan. He is from Bavaria. He wants to go to a "real American sandwich shop" while he's here, and Lorien will take him to Berkeley to go clothes shopping. Very entertaining. Nice to have some "fresh blood," though it's really interesting getting to know Liz, who is a well-spoken piano player with a marvelous sense of humor. Reality check from just outside the barbed wire-covered gates of the college: sirens at 12:40am, gunshot at 12:50am. 9 gunshots in rapid succession at 1:30am. My paper is closer and closer to being finished. Must get up for midterm tomorrow!

one of my favorite expressions. on a totally unrelated note, misrak brought back some ethipian food. the perfect late-night snack. amina, halie and i commiserated over the state of our papers, which are in various states of un-finished-ness. afterwards, stood in the hall talking to ariel and amanda and misrak about emily's cartwheels. people are very active just now; very congenial.

I'm still in love with the camaraderie here. It's just like family--dinner is over, we're all "home" in our rooms, in the hall, in other people's rooms, going about our business. Hunter comes back from running an errand, Amina is taking a break from the madness of her paper on the front steps, Brenna just came in to talk. This is rare and precious; I won't have many opportunities like this once I'm out of school. I'm here in my comfy Ikea "study chair" and people wander in as they please to study or talk. Lorien is upset over the cultural relativism in a particular book she's reading. Halie wandered in to see how I'm doing with my paper--she and I and Amina and Sara are all in the same class and agonizing over the same assignment due tomorrow. Misrak took a bunch of people out for Ethiopian food and I don't know if they're back yet. She said she'd bring leftovers! Yum! I know this is precious and I don't ta...

i was working on my template and somehow managed to erase the code for the entire right side of the blog--my profile is gone, all my links, my news feeds, my archives. please help, if you can. i have no idea what to do--or at least restore the basic features; i can re-find all those links again. sheesh. update: i managed to recover almost everything, it worked out fine. a good lesson in html-ing, actually! i didn't lose any of my posts since that stuff is all stored at google; i just lost the interface that allowed the posts to become visible. i opened a new blog and copied the missing code back into my original blog, and the missing material reappeared. what was lost, of course, were the changes I'd made to the template itself, but it's just links which i can recover on my own. Off to brunch! Quite a busy day, study-wise. I'm going to cancel ethiopian food.

sometimes hand gestures are helpful when communicating with the food servers at founders because there's usually a lot of noise, i talk too fast, and sometimes there's a language barrier. i just realized that when the person is about to add something i don't want to my plate, i use a hand gesture like the "stand" gesture used in blackjack when you don't want anymore cards. hee hee. we're watching what i think is one of the worst episodes of snl i've ever seen. tom hanks is hosting to promote "the davinci code" from last year. he mentioned awhile ago that he absolutely hates press junkets, and since hosting snl is part of promoting the film, i wonder if he's hating every minute of it. the sketches are absolutely awful. it will be interesting to see how the new season turns out with all of the cast changes. might be the first year i stop watching.

"That's the advantage of being built like an ape." "I don't remember." --the family motto. the folks came for a visit today, and it was refreshing to see them. i'm due for a trip home, which i'll do in a week or two for some doctor appointments. i get to break in a new resident at stanford! hee hee. looking forward to it. and i get to see my favorite old-fashioned jewish doctor from yonkers. can't wait. oh, and the bush administration has decided to stop funding psychiatric research. i can hardly think of a worse policy. oh, wait, there's iraq; corporate tax cuts, medicare programs no one can afford... i'd like to go to a cal football game, but i don't know if tickets are available and i doubt anyone at mills would want to go.

from "Summer Stock"? I'm in an "old musicals" frame of mind. it's another perfect autumn day--clear, cool, crisp; clean air. inhaling is a joy. must study study study today, folks are coming for a visit. i'm a little panicked because my paper is due and my midterm occurs in less than 48 hours. even so, in honor of the beautiful day: Forget your troubles, c'mon get happy, You better chase all your cares away. Shout "Hallejulah!" c'mon get happy, Get ready for the Judgment Day. The sun is shinin', c'mon get happy, The lord is waitin' to take your hand. Shout "Hallejulah!" c'mon get happy, We're going to the promise land. [lyrics007.com] update: this is parents/alumni weekend, and a few alumni have stopped by to see my room. it's actually quite fun to meet other mills women of other generations; all so enthusiastic and positive, i actually felt a bond with them. i never thought i'd go to mills, ...

Report: Majority Of Americans Unprepared For Apocalypse WASHINGTON, DC—Eighty-seven percent of Americans are "ill-equipped" to deal with solar flares, giant comets, and an all-engulfing Armageddon borne out of God's wrath.

Sirens: Friday 3:45pm 5:00pm 9:13pm 9:26pm Saturday: 12:48am 10:30am 10:56am 11:00am-12:48pm four 1:39pm 2:25pm 2:56pm 4:18pm [oakland homocide rate is one every 2-3 days] Gunshots: Friday 7:20pm 7:27pm 8:50pm (4 shots) Saturday 12:49pm

the title of an op-ed piece i wrote in the school newspaper, to come out next week!

Interesting how the smell of coffee lingers in my clothes (and in my car) long after i leave a coffee place. In this case, gaylord's, with brenna and halie. Not the greatest place, but i do get work done. I'd rather find somewhere else, but don't know where to look. Bought a new desk hutch at ikea today and assembled it myself. i love assembling ikea furniture. This one's pretty heavy, though, so I'll have to ask for help to get it onto my desk. My room is coming together well, although i trimmed one curtain panel a bit too short. my ivory carpet is showing dirt quickly, as i expected. Still glad i bought it. One of my favorite instructors is teaching a class on "European realism" next semester and I'm hoping it will fit into my schedule. i just loved this instructor's interpretations of German poetry last year, and the things she says. Just wonderful, and a delightful person, too. there is an issue with mills cookies that must be addres...

There is a law in the state of California that allows for the DNA of prisoners and criminals to be uploaded into a database to make locating offenders and solving crimes much more easy. For every DNA 10,000 samples, for example, 50 crimes are solved, which is quite a high number, according to criminologists. Unsolved cases can be solved this way, too, that have languished for years. Here's the rub--there isn't enough money to fund this program. That's inexcusable. [source is either KCBS radio or NPR]

A beautiful, crisp, "brusk" autumn day. My only complaint is that i wasn't dressed for it.

my room this year. sirens, 4:24pm. at least the third set i've heard this afternoon.

"Project Runway" is such a decadent show to me, especially since I spent all day in classes that examine the overwhelming volume of misery, sickness, poverty, and war around the world.

money in the bank to be debt-free a steady job that i like more education, once i know in which direction a digital camera an ipod money in the bank financial security--never having to worry about money again the ability to take care of my parents my meds to go generic so i could afford them without insurance

"Failed States" by Noam Chomsky "Satanic Verses" Salman Rushdie "Hornet's Nest" or something like that, by Richard Engel. Bill Clinton's memoirs, or at least part of them. seriously.

Wow! I just saw the first pictures of baby Kate! She has a full head of hair! Wow! She's looking at her mom like, "Um, where am I? I know where I was a few minutes ago, but this is different." Such good news, such proud parents, so much love! I cannot wait to meet her!

Allegations have been made that in the past, syria has actually staged attacks on US interests in syria, "rescued" their own attacks, and taken credit for "saving" the Americans. I don't know what to think about the most recent attack (attempt). It would make sense, though, for al Qaeda to have done it. Is there such a thing as too much eggplant? If so, I had too much eggplant at dinner. I'm watching my boy Stephen Colbert for the first time in quite awhile. I joined the crowd for "Project Runway," which segued into "The Daily Show," which of course becomes "The Colbert Report." Speaking of absent Mills students, we got a package from Bridget today! It includes much chocolate, of course :-). We love you and we miss you, Bridg!

Stephen Colbert: The Pittsburgh Post Gazette is reporting on a new phenomenon called wrap rage. Where people injure themselves trying to open difficult plastic packages with sharp objects. It goes on to say that according to a report, British researchers blame wrap rage for more than 60,000 injuries in that country. Okay, let's see, if England's population is 60 million, and they had 60,000 injuries, and our population is 300 million, how many injuries would we... hold on, I can do this. Um, let me just get my brand new graphing calculator. [Gets out a calculator in a wrapped plastic package, and tries to open it] Host: This, uh, this'll only take a second here. [Can't open it] Host: Let me get that... [Tries to bite it open, but can't] Host: Okay, I'm gonna lose that battle right there... let me get that. [Tries to use a pencil, but it breaks] Host: Okay... motherfucker, okay! Get open, come on! [Tries to stab scissors through it] Host: You are MINE! I will see...

Mike Mark Carrion: [Stephen is calling the Humane Society after they were "livid" about his hatred of bears] Hello, this is Mike Mark Carrion. Host: Mike, I want to know who to give my anger to. Mike Mark Carrion: What seems to be the problem? Host: This is Stephen Colbert from "The Colbert Report." It says here in The Philadelphia Inquirer that your organization, quote, "was livid" about an episode of my show. Is this true? Mike Mark Carrion: Well, we're livid about the trophy hunting of bears in New Jersey, which-which... Host: The Philadelphia Inquirer says here that you are livid about the episode. Are they lying or are you lying? Mike Mark Carrion: We were livid that people killed nearly 300 bears for trophies last December in New Jersey. Host: Are you aware that bears are Godless killing machines? Mike Mark Carrion: Bears are not killing machines. Host: But you will admit that they are Godless? Mike Mark Carrion: Uh... Host: What if a bear was br...

Stephen Colbert: Look, I just think that Rosa Parks was overrated. Conan O'Brien: Rosa Parks was overrated? That's-that's madness! Colbert: Conan, last time I checked, she got famous by breaking the law. Conan O'Brien: Breaking the law? She was standing up for a whole race of people. She was a freedom fighter! Colbert: Conan, how do I know that there wasn't an old, sick, white man who needed that seat in the front of the bus? O'Brien: How can you say that? Colbert: Conan, I'm gonna keep saying this until Rosa Parks's children apologize for what their mother did to that bus company! O'Brien: You want Rosa Parks's children to apologize? Colbert: Absolutely. O'Brien: Gah! Okay, I'm sorry. I have no choice. [shoots Stephen in the chest, who then rises up a second later] Colbert: [unaffected] Typical East-coast, Ivy League educated response. O'Brien: [pause] We'll take a break. We'll be right back. Colbert: Look, I respect your rig...

no, of course not; i didn't know what to call this post. it's 12:02am, and i hear police sirens. "Like any good newsman, I believe that if you're not scared, I'm not doing my job." Stephen Colbert

[from a song we used to sing in preschool] i re-sprained my ankle today, using "sprain" in the liberal sense, since this ankle doesn't have much strength or support it re-sprains very easily. i was running late, today, literally, and dashed out the side door of ethel moore, down some steps and off the curb, barely catching my balance as i lost a shoe. it hurts, not too badly. it's just sad that it's already so weakened it doesn't hurt much to re-injure it. i'll have to get physical therapy, when i have the money, to learn how to strengthen it properly. a full day today. two and a half hours of politics of developing nations, which was fairly interesting, but i'm recovering enough of my intellect that i'm feeling the impact of not being a student at stanford at harvard. dull people whose minds move at a snail's pace. not terribly stimulating. it's hard for me not to talk too much in class; i usually overestimate the importance or sign...

I hate the Beck Depression Inventory, and any other attempt to quantify the human experience, particularly mine, when I'm suffering and no one else, in particular medical professionals, could possibly know what it's like. My point is that we were talking about one of the questions today, that inquires about crying. The very worst option is "I don't cry at all." This is the one I always checked, because for years I couldn't, as part of the illness. That's why every time I cry I feel relief. I can laugh and cry because of my medication, and for no other reason. Get over your ignorant self, Tom Cruise. I liken my experience with not crying to flatlining on a heart monitor, except the organ I'm referring to is the brain. If there were an EKG machine for the brain, mine would have been a flatline.

Today, Schwarzenegger signed into law a minimum wage raise, calling it a "living wage." However, the compromise with Democrats, who authored and pushed the bill through, was that it would not include an annual cost of living adjustment. Why not? What bothers me is the very idea that a wage should have to be designated "living," meaning that its recipient should, in theory, be able to meet the needs and basic expenses of an average family or person as decided by some government bureaucrat with a calculator, or a committee. What is the point of a minimum wage if it isn't going to be a "living wage"? Is it just me or is it the duty of the government to provide for the basic needs of its citizens? It should not be possible for someone working 40 hours per week not to be able to feed, clothe, and house themselves above the poverty line, and to take care of their own medical needs. Yet, that happens frequently in our society, and there is no reason fo...

Ms. Mehta talks a lot about the fragmentation of the self with regard to postcolonial theory and not having a voice. I recovered some of the fragments of my self today, and it feels good. Had class all day, was pretty tired by the time dinner rolled around. Still have to hash out this silly financial aid snafu. The M Center can be so reluctant to act; I feel like I have to put a fire under their seats. Trying to figure out which classes to take next semester. Falling asleep! Good night!

the suggestion that our government was behind 9/11. (title is a take off on Oprah's section in her magazine about "things she thinks are just fabulous" where she endorses various commercial products)

"Methinks I see thee, now thou art below, As one dead in the bottom of a tomb" Romeo and Juliet "How bad must things be up there in order for jumping off the tower to be the better option?" a firefighter observing the jumpers. i'll never forget the sound of people hitting the ground in the documentary the french brothers did--the sound of a nation's heart breaking and a death knell to relatives.

I take issue with President Bush's claim from a couple of years back that he had won "political capital." What was he talking about? First of all, he barely won the election. Where does he get off displaying that kind of arrogance? Exactly what has he done with any capital, real or imagined, that he had? Waged an unpopular and unsuccessful war that he keeps praising even while most of us stand with our mouths agape, in pure astonishment of the administration's denial of reality. Let me tell you about political capital, Mr. Bush. Winning World War II and coming to occupied Europe's rescue was political capital that we earned, and we've spent every last penny of it. perhaps the fall of communism won us a bit of political capital, too. We are long overdue for some more political capital, since we are mortgaged hundreds of times over in that area, and are as morally bankrupt (and illegitimate in the eyes of the world) as we are in debt. No, Mr. President. R...

I would like to get a PhD in something.

attraction rather than promotion is my best marketing tactic and foreign policy. being me is the best way to draw others in and earn their interest. it really is that simple. title is a variation on a line from the movie "Field of Dreams." my hormones are changing and i'm wondering if they're responsible for my bone loss. i'm really anxious and worried about it. should i see an endocrinologist? can't wait to see pictures of baby kate, and i especially can't wait to meet her! i should make plane reservations soon to get a "fair" fare.

tomorrow isn't about politics or policy. it's about remembering, observing, and honoring the memory of thousands of people who died and the day our nation was plunged into darkness, our collective hearts were broken. it's about reverence for the dead and those who suffered and experienced loss. cnn is running their footage from that day; i'll be in class all day so it's unlikely i'll get to see much of it. it's important to me to remember these events and re-experience them along with the rest of the nation. i owe it to the victims and those who suffered, and it matters to me because i'm human and because i'm a very proud american who patriotically disagrees with the currently administration. i'm sorry for those who suffered and those who died. today isn't about politics or right and wrong, it's about honoring others' feelings and remembering that this was a very personal loss.

i'd like to remember to research and vote in the upcoming election. angelides is trailing schwarzenegger by 15 points. i doubt he'll catch up, but arnold has not been a disaster as governor, in my opinion.

today's prayer, using "whole" as a verb, the way postcolonial and feminist theories create new words to fit new meanings. thinking about taking a class at berkeley next semester. it's unlikely, however, since there are many government classes at mills i'd like to take, and scheduling can be really sticky.

I take issue with the federal drinking age of 21. What is the point? It is rarely enforced, and so flagrantly violated that it contributes to disrespect for the law on the part of young adults. If people are going to drink anyway, what is the point of enforcing an archaic law? One might argue that the same could be said for murder or drug use, though, but alcohol use is relatively benign compared to the aforementioned. In other countries with lower drinking ages, binge drinking is almost unheard of, whereas it is nearly an epidemic here, resulting in numerous DUIs, overdoses, sexual assaults to occur. What would be the harm in lowering it to 18? Lowering the age would detract from the forbidden-fruit attraction it currently has, young adults would mature more quickly and develop better judgment and a stronger sense of personal responsibility.

A good day turned into a great day when jen called with news of little Kate. So weird to hear the voice of my best friend, whom i've known all my life, describing her experience delivering her baby. Just amazing. I've never been this close to anyone who's given birth before. i can't wait to get down there to meet kate and help out the exhausted parents! jen said that when the doctor gave kate to alan, he just melted; that kate is a daddy's girl already. Alan is amazing. his family was there, and jen's mom was too. i assume scott will fly in at some point. How amazing. We've all known each other since we were practically kate's age (feels that way). but i remember being kids together and going through the phases of development together, and now we'll get to watch kate as she goes through those same stages, with all of us around her. it's just too much to think about right now. so incredibly meaningful. I just can't wait. I can...

My best childhood friend Jennifer called to announce the birth of her baby girl! I'm over the moon with delight; almost euphoric. Jen and I grew up together, she's like a sister. Baby Kate was 7 pounds, 14 ounces, born September 8. I can't wait to get down to meet her! This is overwhelming and I'm so ecstatic for Jen, Alan, Kate, and everyone else! I haven't felt this good in I don't know how long. Such a delight. The gift of life. Pure joy, pure happiness.

my dad's best friend, wayne fey, had a wry sense of humor. he was in london one fourth of july, and to celebrate, amidst all the red coats who weren't, he slipped a tea bag into the thames river in honor of the boston tea party, which of course was one of the pivotal events leading to our declaration of independence.

granted, I've not researched this very carefully, but i'm going to comment anyway, of course. michael scheuer, ex-osama bin laden specialist at the cia for several years, has long said that we had the opportunity to kill bin laden when he was in sudan (under clinton, pre-9/11), but that the administration declined. for this, he calls them "moral cowards." scheuer is mild-mannered and very objective in the rest of his opinions--i've seen him in several interviews now--so his condemnation of this decision is almost startling. now, we see various members of the former clinton administration protesting vehemently about the portrayal of events surrounding 9/11 in an upcoming ABC-produced documentary, that is rumored to be partly fictionalized. i read that samuel berger, or some such individual, was very upset at claims he or someone else denied the chance to kill bin laden. this would make sense, of course, given the events that took place after the clinton adminis...

i felt completely disengaged at dinner tonight, not interested in what anyone had to say, even the walk back with everyone. isolated. i miss our old friends from last year so much. it's not at all the same this year. i'm going through withdrawal and feel very sad.

it's how we deal with it that matters. had a long talk over lunch with misrak about racism. she has a lot to say, and a lot to deal with. she talked about the appalling attitude of a woman she recently worked with. it's very eye-opening to hear "the other side of the story," i.e. a person of color talking about being on the receiving end of racism. it's heartbreaking and horrifying, and an education in itself. lots of work remains to be done.

my mom helped me put a piece of the puzzle into place today. it's all about clarity; and the more clearly i see it for what it really is, the more able i am to let go of it. we had talked about abuse and repeating behavior patterns, etc., and agreed that we were both committed to doing things differently. the abuse began to sneak in, though, and i can see that sh*t coming a mile away and knew exactly what it was when it hit. and, i didn't believe it. in retrospect, that's what it was. a kink in her operating system she wasn't dealing with. automatic danger. it's one thing if folks are prepared to deal with all of their stuff, but if they're in denial about anything, it's just going to get larger and larger until something is done. it was always going to go in just one direction. the signs were there. there really is such a thing as "too good to be true." if that's "too good to be true," then what's the real deal? where...

a long day, but a satisfying one. i took less seroquel last night (what a difference 25 fewer mg of seroquel makes!) and laughed more today than i have in a very long time. feel more connected to other people, more cogent, more real. good choice. let's see if i can keep it up. i sat through four classes, which really isn't that hard, all you do is show up and listen, or participate. added my french class on the last day to add, it was a madhouse at the m center but my procedure was simple. had a good conversation with mr. lawson, he likes my enthusiasm about the book review. i like him. he had a lime green shirt with a purple tie under his corduroy blazer. fabulous. he thumbs his nose ever so slightly at the system, just like dr w. phd's with a sense of humor are fabulous. had great conversations with lorian and brenna at gaylord's tonight, and with sara and lorian at lunch, too. a very good day. less seroquel is definitely a part of that. i was able to g...

I'm thinking about going sans flu shot this year. I've gotten one for many years now, and been fine. Result of the shot? Who knows. Maybe I'll go without and see how my immune system fares this time round. I'm quite healthy.

Welcome to the first of an I-have-no-idea-how-many-part series of posts in which I "take issue" with a current political or social situation. Tonight, John Roberts was standing in for a sadly absent Anderson Cooper on Cooper's show 360. It has come to the attention of mainstream media outlets lately that the CIA has "secret prisons" or "detention centers" in which it has held terror suspects. I take issue with how quickly the media jump to condemn intelligence operations. Of course there is the possibility that the CIA is abusing its authority or right to hold persons in detention centers, but to automatically assume that that is what is going on, and that it is inherently wrong for these CIA locations to exist, is terrible judgment. In fact, it's no judgment at all. It's quite possible, and in fact probable, that the CIA has obtained people who have given them reason to believe that they may be involved in potentially extremely serious pl...

Unconventionally beautiful; aesthetic. My kind of man. I'm a thinking man's woman. And an artistic man's woman. Yep. Happiness is being me, right here, right now.

Some old guy with a combover who was paying his bills in public hit on me tonight. how insulting. why aren't folks like gavin Newsom sending me flowers and a limo? Geez. What does a smart, beautiful, young woman have to do to meet some decent y chromosomes in this universe? Switch to a different planet?

Two good friends have sent me the same email in the space of a couple of hours about a program Disney/ABC will broadcast about 9/11 that is purported to have a very political slant/special interest. Don't know much about it, but people i respect think very highly of it; when I'm less busy I'll have a look and see whether it's worth posting here. love to all!

I want to be loved and appreciated, and un-alone. Is that really so much to ask? Talking to my new resource today made me realize just how real everything I've been through is, and how massive, and how much I really have missed out on. I'm not making this sh*t up. Companionship, camaraderie, un-loneliness are my particular "owies" tonight. How does one spell that? You know, when you hit your elbow against a sharp corner and say "Ow! That hurt!" The plural version? Had too much coffee tonight; I'm up late and will regret it tomorrow. It's so easy to fall behind with the reading. My French paper is 90% finished, I'll have to put some finishing touches on tomorrow morning before printing it (and the article for Let 149) and taking my add form to Lawson for another signature, and going to the registrar before 4pm when they close, but I have classes all day long, with barely time for lunch. Will be a full, busy, sleep-deprived day :-(. My ...

The Shia Revival, Vali Nasr Hidden Iran: Paradox and Power in the Islamic Republic, Ray Takeyh Thicker Than Oil, Rachel Bronson Journey of the Jihadist: Inside Muslim Militancy, Fawaz A. Gerges The Assassins' Gate: America in Iraq, George Packer The End of Iraq: How American Incompentence Created a War Without End, Peter W. Galbraith The Foreigner's Gift: The Americans, the Arabs, and the Iraqis in Iraq, Fouad Ajami Imperial Hubris: Why the West is Losing the War on Terror, Anonymous

it's wonderful to have reached another milestone in my recovery. i'm actually able to interact with the material i'm studying. i was "locked out" for so long, which is one reason school was so titanically difficult. i'm drinking a double cappuccino right now, which i'll regret tomorrow, but not right now. we're at gaylord's, among the "scenesters," who are pretty funny, if you ask me, but it's a good place to get stuff done. brenna and lorien are here, sara was but she left; there are other mills students too. congenial, in spite of the unnecessarily loud music. is it supposed to make us feel cooler? i want to care about and take pride in what i do. that was taken for awhile. it felt shaming to lose it. i felt guilty turning in assignments i hadn't been able to do my best on. we should never have to question whether someone else loves us or not. love is like the sunshine. when you want a tan, you shift in the direction...