Putting Effort Into, Caring About

it's wonderful to have reached another milestone in my recovery. i'm actually able to interact with the material i'm studying. i was "locked out" for so long, which is one reason school was so titanically difficult. i'm drinking a double cappuccino right now, which i'll regret tomorrow, but not right now. we're at gaylord's, among the "scenesters," who are pretty funny, if you ask me, but it's a good place to get stuff done. brenna and lorien are here, sara was but she left; there are other mills students too. congenial, in spite of the unnecessarily loud music. is it supposed to make us feel cooler?

i want to care about and take pride in what i do. that was taken for awhile. it felt shaming to lose it. i felt guilty turning in assignments i hadn't been able to do my best on.

we should never have to question whether someone else loves us or not. love is like the sunshine. when you want a tan, you shift in the direction of the warmth. when you're looking for love, you don't go searching in dark caves or thick forests. go where you feel the warmth. that's how you know.

ms. mehta ended class with her usual amazing orchestration of the spirit to where i feel like i've just attended a religious service. she talked about how poetry liberates us because it comes from the subconscious, so it tells the truth. she's amazing. i feel like applauding after each lecture. and she's so gracious and doesn't come off as ingratiating or fake.