if i hadn't gotten bipolar...



yes, i'm in a bad enough mood to be asking that question.

would i be married by now? where would i be living? what would my credentials be? where would i have traveled and how many languages would i know? how many friends and how many acquaintances would i have? it just seems like such a waste, because it is. and i'll never know. no one will. what kinds of opportunities have i been denied? so much going for me and so much against. who would i be today?

i am not a happy camper right now. i don't feel like a part of society. tired of struggling. my hair is still falling out. tired of this. i'll feel better tomorrow. the acid test is whether someone is happy--sure, you might be wealthy, thin, etc., but are you happy? i just want to be happy. from the inside out, not the other way around, because surrounding yourself with nice things if you're not happy does not help. i want to be indelibly happy, from the very center of my heart. i don't want my happiness to depend on what others think, etc. it would truly be a tragedy to live my life without appreciating it, at the whim of others' opinions, as i've done until now.

i wish i knew what it was like to have a real job, some respect, and a 401k. the number of people who check my blog or come to see me perform does not make me happy. do you know how many guys fell for me before i turned 16 and how few have since? my charisma and charm are gone.

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