Serious Silliness
Your Birthday Today: Although you still believe it to be a good deed, you will nonetheless grow increasingly jealous of the Habitat For Humanity home you're helping to build.
Aries: A collection of self-penned portmanteaus, the construction of which you've always thought rather clever, will offend hundreds of biracial individuals this Thursday.
Taurus: While all may be fair in love and war, many will come out against your egregious use of nerve gas in both.
Gemini: No matter how much time passes, you'll never be able to bring yourself to forgive those who have called you unforgiving.
Cancer: You never thought you had it in you, nor that you'd have the courage to follow through even if you did, but you'll totally surprise yourself with next Thursday's abortion.
Virgo: A sinking sense of your own mortality will set in this week after you completely fail to recognize a Simpsons rerun on television.
Libra: The alignment of the stars and the planets can only mean one thing this week: You're looking at a very simplistic, two-dimensional model of our solar system.
Scorpio: Badly hurt and in crippling pain, you will see the last 12 seconds of your life flash before your eyes this week.
Capricorn: A freak electrical fire will break out at a nearby hospital this week, expanding the facility's burn ward tenfold.
Pisces: Check with Pisces in two weeks for a more detailed and accurate prediction of next week's events.
[theonion.com]
Aries: A collection of self-penned portmanteaus, the construction of which you've always thought rather clever, will offend hundreds of biracial individuals this Thursday.
Taurus: While all may be fair in love and war, many will come out against your egregious use of nerve gas in both.
Gemini: No matter how much time passes, you'll never be able to bring yourself to forgive those who have called you unforgiving.
Cancer: You never thought you had it in you, nor that you'd have the courage to follow through even if you did, but you'll totally surprise yourself with next Thursday's abortion.
Virgo: A sinking sense of your own mortality will set in this week after you completely fail to recognize a Simpsons rerun on television.
Libra: The alignment of the stars and the planets can only mean one thing this week: You're looking at a very simplistic, two-dimensional model of our solar system.
Scorpio: Badly hurt and in crippling pain, you will see the last 12 seconds of your life flash before your eyes this week.
Capricorn: A freak electrical fire will break out at a nearby hospital this week, expanding the facility's burn ward tenfold.
Pisces: Check with Pisces in two weeks for a more detailed and accurate prediction of next week's events.
[theonion.com]
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