Long Time Gone

halie is going to help me make my personal photo for my myspace account (yes, i've caved in and gotten a myspace account). can anyone explain how to post my profile photo in my profile section? it says to put a url for the photo in the alloted space, but then it said the photo was too large.

Iran's president has challenged ours to a debate. Great idea! Just as long as it's moderated reasonably, the two men keep to the facts (although I doubt they'd be able to agree on any), no lecturing or preaching allowed, etc. On second thought, if facts become problematic, or the pronunciation of "nuclear" threatens to create an international incident, maybe they should have a fishing contest, or a brush-clearing contest at Bush's ranch, instead. Stephen Colbert would moderate, since he values the truth above the facts (disguised as Jim Lerer, perhaps?). The first love is self-love. The second love is letting the right people in?

Mike Montgomery has been fired as head coach of the basketball team in Sacramento (Warriors?). He was a popular and very successful coach at Stanford for many years, and I'm sorry to see him leave so unceremoniously.

the theme at dinner tonight was naughty yiddish words. we're continuing our tour of the most inappropriate, vile, and offensive topics we can think of to discuss. it's not intentional, actually. the conversation somehow drifts in the direction of pedophilia, bestiality, and other, equally uncivilized subjects, when we're at founders. "Farrell Does Dubya"

Today, Amina was wearing a t-shirt with a vintage advertisement for shampoo on it. It was Egyptian shampoo, specifically, and the ad looked almost like the Egyptian version of a Che Guevara poster, complete with national flag and clenched fist logo. Apparently, ex-leader Nasser tried to raise Egyptian morale by, among other things, promoting Egyptian-brand shampoo.

"...Once she knew everything and had uncovered her own worth, she could awaken and share her gifts..." Bessie Head, "Maru" not performance art. i wish i could listen to what others were saying instead of interrupting all the time. It's such an irritating and alienating habit. i feel [more than] ready for the next phase of my life. It's been a long time in coming. I cannot wait. no internship for me. I'd rather spend my energy doing other things--exploring Berkeley, getting off campus more, breathing a bit. i don't want any academic stress this year, and definitely no all-nighters. sometimes i get petrified thinking about what i will do after graduation, and sometimes I'm sure everything will be fine. as long as i land a job i don't hate, that pays decently, I'll be fine. Lots of personal growth ahead of me; that's my focus. i can't wait to be unleashed upon the world. i don't want to hang out with people who devalue...

[photo is courtesy of halie] and what is that? this will definitely be an introspective year, not an escapist one. music currently running through my mind is "For Baby" by John Denver. what makes someone lovable? when i don't feel lovable, am i? depends on the person doing the loving, i think. "Will Ferrell: The Producers" "Will Ferrell: The Producers II"

The song currently running through my head is "It's Raining on Prom Night" from the musical "Grease." "We're just here for the music." --Dr. House, explaining why he and a colleague were chatting in an elevator (from TV show "House," which is one of the only current television shows I recommend). "Will Ferrell: The Producers III"

As my dad would say. Individually, none of us wanted to go out tonight, but collectively, we did manage to pile into amina's car and promptly get lost in Albany (not the one in new York; at least we weren't THAT lost). We finally found our way to Berkeley, checked out an amazing independently-owned video store, went to piedmont avenue, got coffee at gaylord's, and came back. there must be an event horizon surrounding the school. Why else would it be so difficult to get off campus? Where is Isaac Newton when we need him, to explain all of this inertia? Maybe going to mills is a one-way journey! yes, blogging is the opportunity to write about one's life in the minutest of detail. I don't really care, though, since I like it and it makes me feel good (and my small but loyal following says nice things about it in response). Also, I've been shoving schoolbooks down my throat for so many years (thank you, bipolar) that I'm not willing to miss an opportunity...

Launching a blitzkrieg-like propaganda campaign to bring Bridget, Chara, and Natasha back, although Bridget is probably our only viable option. Alternatively, we could swoop down to her house and sweep her away, SWAT-style, although I doubt any of us is bad-ass enough for that. I don't know how to set off those noise-and-light distraction grenade-like-things; I'm sure we'd end up distracting ourselves and failing the mission. Lorien could sing the theme song to "Mission Impossible," though, Halie and I could do an "Avengers" act, and Brenna could be the Pink Panther. We would make the best crime-fighting team ever! Hunter would simply scare the heck out of anyone who got in our way; she could be our "point-woman." Miriam could drive the get-away car, and Sierra could distract Bridget's cats. Amina and Eden could be the "lookout" team, and "neutralize" any unexpected threats to our operation. Amina would design our...

Claire! The erstwhile Emily Dickinson of Ethel Moore! Great to hear from you, and I'm SO excited about your upcoming plans. I'd love to hear as much of it as you'd like to share, when you get back. I'm so happy for you. It's going to be an incredibly meaningful trip, particularly with all of your historical and literary knowledge. Bon voyage! Check out the train stations; they're uber-romantic. Order table wine in Italy, bring good walking shoes. Oh dear. I'd better sign off before I start sounding like my mother. Hope to see you soon!

Ladies of Mills College, listen up! I have it on good authority that some of our fabulous folks in uniform over there by the Tigris and Euphrates aren't as well fed as the recipients of our some of air-dropped food in Afghanistan several years back (do you remember that? I read one account where they had a choice of salad dressing or some nonsense with their helicopter-delivered meals). perhaps we should devote a week to eating just military food--not that we could find any, necessarily, but suffice it to say that there is worse food out there then the hard-working folks at founders dish up. We'll begin complaining soon enough, I'm sure (what was UP with that chicken(?) at dinner?), but it would be fun to make a comparison. The marines do sign up for a spartan existence, but then, I'm sure they wouldn't have it any other way. Today's word: EXECRABLE [adjective] extremely bad or unpleasant : "Founders food is NOT execrable." DERIVATIVES execrably |-...

Diamonds have contributed to the exploitation of local African economies, not their enrichment. Can I just say how glad I am to finally be working on stuff I've struggled with for so long? It's such a gift; but I always get scared when something good happens that it'll be taken away.

I guess I'll do what I always do--write about it. Others can benefit too, but that's not the point. This is my little corner of cyberspace, free of the judgment or baggage of others. A germ-free zone, if you will. I felt whole, for a moment. I haven't had that in so long. I crave it like the sunlight, and ate up everything she offered with a spoon. I feel like I've had the wind knocked out of me. I guess it's safe to feel, to begin to feel, and to inhabit myself again. Maybe the storm has paused long enough and people are cautiously beginning to poke their heads out of their houses to see if it's safe. Trusting that it might be. Loss is the vein that runs through everyone; we all know what loss and pain are like. Sometimes I feel the most connected when I am hurting; the most in touch. I hate healing and personal growth, the kind that hurts, anyway.

Though other people seem to think I am, sometimes. I have never "fit in." I have never not felt different. I don't know what it's like to blend in, to not be self-conscious, to not constantly think about how I can't relate to anyone around me. Except summer school, but that was fleeting. I felt invisible there, in a good way--one of the crowd, just like everyone else, and it changed my life. It gave me hope that that is possible, out there somewhere, and it's worth not giving up. We are grounded tonight, since my car has a flat and no one else has a car. Bummer. Good thing we got out earlier today. This one internship I've been trading phone calls with isn't sitting well with me. It's very political and a little pretentious--is there a theme among some non-profits of pretension? The person on the phone today used the word "shan't," which I've only ever heard from my British-influenced dad.

As much as I complain about college life, it is fun to take excursions together to exotic locales such as the Ikea in Emeryville. We're just waiting on one more pilgrim, Lorien, who also needs to get film developed somewhere. I'd like to cordially welcome my visitors from Guatemala, Canada, Hungary, and Dubai, today. I'm moving along satisfactorily; very much wanting to add a fifth class (fits with my schedule, helps my major, light reading). I'm sorting through the odds and ends of the administrative bog, getting different answers from every person to whom I speak. I guess that means I get to choose whichever answer I like best! heard back from the middle eastern internship today; they take an anti-Israeli stance which I'm not entirely comfortable with. They've offered to pass my application along to the Africa department, which may be a good idea, but the idea of five classes really appeals, which would supersede an internship. Decisions, decisions! To...

Not necessarily, of course. This just happens to be (part of, and an incorrect part at that) the song currently running through my head. It's from the Kenneth Branaugh-produced film version of "Much Ado About Nothing." They turned one of the passages of the play into song: Sigh no more, ladies, sigh no more; Men were deceivers ever; One foot in sea and one on shore, To one thing constant never; Then sigh not so, But let them go, And be you blithe and bonny; Converting all your sounds of woe Into Hey nonny, nonny. Sing no more ditties, sing no mo, Or dumps so dull and heavy; The fraud of men was ever so, Since summer first was leavy. Then sigh not so, But let them go, And be you blithe and bonny, Converting all your sounds of woe Into Hey, nonny, nonny. [gutenberg.org]

I get such a kick out of seeing the occasional exceedingly uncomfortable, self-conscious boyfriend, male friend, or brother wandering around our dorm. It is funny to see a guy in the dorm, since it's all-women, of course, but I'm amused at just how uncomfortable they always look; often avoiding eye contact or walking close to one of the walls. Why are they embarrassed? Because it's totally obvious that they're "shacking up" with whomever they've come to visit, and all of us presumably know that? Who knows. No one really cares, though. It's such a big deal for them and not for us. Maybe the thought of being on a campus of only women with no fellow compatriots for moral support is intimidating. I just caught one slithering into our bathroom; he looked so young. Hee hee.

NPR is running a segment on tipping in service situations, which is funny, because it's such a middle-class, white-collar issue. You wouldn't hear this segment on KCBS, for example. Says a lot about who NPR's audience is, or at least who they think or they wish their audience to be. Actually, I have several questions about tipping, too. When someone helps you out to your car with your groceries, do you tip? I usually don't. I do tip delivery people a dollar (food delivery, not UPS). What about people who move your furniture? Skycaps at airports?

One of my favorite new phrases. I am supremely unconcerned about whether I've missed the deadline for changing my major, since I'm going to do so anyway, for example.

Fred Lawson is one of my favorite professors at school, and he has quite a few disciples. An excellent scholar with a sense of humor, respect from his colleagues, and a gentle man. I have an internship interview next Thursday. Right now, the way it looks is either I will have an internship on Thursdays and Fridays, and take four classes, or I will not have an internship and I will take five classes (I can get my Latin American requirement out of the way this semester to make room for a possible double major). Unfortunately, I won't know until after next Thursday, and I don't like uncertainty, or having to add classes at the last minute. Neither does the grumpy M Center.

["The Sound of Music"] Bedtime here, in my little, wooded, cubbyhole in Oakland, where we can hear the violence but not see it. Back in the saddle. Classes begin tomorrow. My problem with the argument that we invaded Iraq for oil is that I've seen no proof of it. This is why I truly do not know why we went to war. I know it was Cheney's agenda more than Bush's; but I don't know why. Throughout my life, I've had recurring nightmares that people are trying to kill me. Last night, I dreamt that I had been taken hostage with members of a class I was taking; about 30 people. Our captor said we each had to kill one other person in the group using a handgun, which he handed to the first student, who promptly shot someone he considered to be the "class nerd." I remember feeling absolutely petrified; that I could be a target at any moment. The actor Jake Gyllenhaal was my friend, and sat next to me. As I watched people being shot, some in the head...

The "Senior Black Correspondent" on "The Daily Show" tonight suggested that blacks and whites must come together to oppose a third group. Not quite what Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., envisioned, I don't think. "Hungary is the war-torniest country in Eastern Europe." "MTV, Jay-Z, and the UN? That's a powerful combination of dangerous abbreviations." "Et U2, Brute?" --Stephen Colbert

Feels like having food in my stomach. Oakland water tastes better than mountain view water. Heard sirens and screeching tires tonight, so far. Moved a fair amount of stuff from the car to my room; it's halfway to being the cozy, relaxing nest i desire. Must go to Ikea to load up on Swedish odds and ends. And now, on to "The Colbert Report."

Should we allow another person to fill us to the extent that losing them makes us feel empty and hollow? There's a hole in my life and I'm really aware of it. I feel sad. I had a best friend for a few months; I've been starving for one and am once again sans soul mate. I'm exhausted. I'm probably not eating enough protein and have no desire to function. Classes start tomorrow; I am looking forward to them and seeing my favorite instructors, but I'm resentful that my class schedule does not provide adequate time for lunch on Mondays and Wednesdays. I have another internship possibility; someone got back to me about an interview for next week. I cancelled my interview for today, since, upon reading the job description more closely, it's almost entirely television work, which doesn't interest me, plus I was simply too tired to put up with the stress of dressing up, taking bart in, looking for the office, etc. No audible gunshots yet (this being Oaklan...

I am tired of the motherf*cking hype for this motherf*cking movie!

David Gergen, advisor to seven presidents. It's easy to see why, because he's such a modest, moderate, reasonable person. I've included his website on my list because I like him that much. Plus, he works at Harvard, and I love Harvard. They have smart people at Harvard! I like smart people who also happen to be nice and interesting, as gergen is. one point gergen made is that Kennedy included both democrats and republicans into his cabinet as an excellent example of bipartisanship. Similarly, Clinton appointed a republican, William Cohen, to be his secretary of defense, highlighting a parallel between jfk and Clinton. "Could being a Nielsen family kill you? Watch the entire show to find out." "Restless leg syndrome is the leprosy of the 21st century." "A British study recently found that eating while driving increases the risk of having an accident. Eating English food at any time will kill you." [Stephen Colbert]

Schizophrenia is more common among men than women, and it most often strikes during the late teens to early twenties. I would be very surprised if this 24 year old man who shot and killed two people at Virginia Tech today is not schizophrenic. he was already in jail on charges of theft (antisocial behavior is textbook schizophrenia). Friends of his are absolutely shocked, which speaks to the inconsistency and out-of-characterness of his actions. Of course, it's quite likely he isn't mentally ill at all; my point is that the criminal justice system does not deal with mental illness properly. I knew a boy in college who seemed fine until he stabbed his faculty advisor in the neck (he recovered). He was thrown into jail, but had been exhibiting psychosis for awhile that no one noticed. Last I heard he was locked up in an la jail awaiting trial. what would you do if a strange man with a black ski mask pulled over his head broke into your bedroom tonight and tried to strangle...

back at the ranch. unpacking, making my room beautiful, listening to norah jones, unrolling my new ikea carpet that's just the way i like it. listening to the hustle and bustle of people across the hall, moving in, dragging boxes, perspiring, cursing, even. my own oasis. my room will be much more of a sanctuary this year. i'm not as concerned with being liked or appearing normal anymore. it will be my home. i know just what i'll do with mimi and papa's check; i'll get beautiful things to make it a home. i can just hear mimi exclaiming over how much she would like it, because she was that kind of person. thanks, carolyn; so much.

i'm wondering if homosexuality was frowned upon in the old testament, because if not, then homophobia didn't begin until christianity did. in ancient rome, it wasn't a big deal. there wasn't a line drawn between "gay" and "straight." what are we so afraid of?

arrival off to lunch reunion unpacking, unfolding old friends, new friends construction clean air no gunshots (yet) thanks to all for your support. wouldn't be here (or anywhere) without you. internship interview tomorrow.

tomorrow feels like the first day of the rest of my life. i'm starting to believe that the world has great things in store for me.

Two of the dearest and most special people I've ever known. I received a generous gift from the grandparents of my good childhood friend Jennifer. I'm going to get something really special with it, because that's how they made me (and everyone else) feel. I feel so loved; their generosity continues after their passing because their spirits live on among their friends and family. there is nothing in the world like old friends. I had coffee and conversation today with someone I've known all my life. It was so encouraging to talk with someone who believes in me so strongly and "knew me when." such a boost of confidence, and a bright light along my path. I've felt so helpless all these years and knowing that someone else had an idea of what was going on all along means everything. tomorrow I embark on my own "great adventure," back to school for my final year, finally. Still watching HBO's "Rome." Very engrossing; kind of like...

Get my feet moving! I adore the way women dressed in the first century B.C. in Rome. Wish I could dress that way without attracting attention! I love the simple, elegant lines and beautiful fabrics, and wavy hairstyles. They look like me, too. Dark and angular. In this world of blond-haired, blue-eyed Americanism, I take pride in my coloring. if Julius Caesar was as smart and grand as everyone says he was, how did he not see that his dictatorship was alienating the people and losing him support? 8/24 update: I'm quite worried about my myoclonic jerks. If they're not attributable to my weight loss, I don't know what to think.

although sometimes it feels like it, cowering in my little corner of the world, unable to be coaxed out from under the covers at any cost. other times, though, i've fixed my bayonet and am dashing across the open field, come hell AND high water. the original "Foxhole Norman" was Lieutenant Norman Dike of Easy Company, 506th PIR, 101st Airborne during War II; so called because he refused to leave his foxhole to fight when everyone else was fighting. he was a terrible leader and nearly got several of his own men killed because he couldn't make decisions under fire. "Battered Bastards of Bastogne"

And I'm aging now. I'm watching a show about depraved roman dictators and bizarre sexual practices of ancient Rome. Quite a strange culture; so interesting to see what life was like pre-Christianity. Their society was incredibly complex; people made entire careers out of being under arm hair pluckers, for example. I'm stressed out about this week. Sun 0830: my hero john McCain is duking it out with a somewhat disappointing replacement for Tim russert on "meet the press." he says the pres isn't getting enough credit for the current economy, which he feels is a good one. NBC military analyst general Barry mccaffrey (ret) is an advisor for "meet the press," and offers a very pragmatic, these-are-the facts analysis. I love how law enforcement and military folk can tell it like it is, not how it "should" be or how we'd "rather" it be. This general argues that whether we need more troops or not in Iraq is not the point, because...

after about a month without sugar or flour, i had a kit kat bar today, and felt sick. humans simply aren't meant to eat refined carbs, in my experience. the people who love me hurt me. I sojourned off the farm today, to run some errands and pick up fresh produce at Trader Joe's. Tastes like heaven. I rented HBO's "Rome" and have just begun it. a savage, decadent, vicious place, it seems; but who knows how true the portrayal is? how will civilizations after ours portray us? would it be realistic at all? my last couple of days at home. it will be a somewhat stressful week. looking forward to it, though; looking forward to internship interviews and seeing my friends.

And it has nothing to do with the excessive publicity for that stupid "Snakes on a Plane" movie. It sounds perfectly awful, not to mention the fact that I don't like snakes and would consider it torture to sit through a film where airline passengers are being tormented by hundreds of snakes (some 500) in a closed environment. I got some more packing done today. I'm so much more organized that I was last year. It feels really good. Can't believe I'm still picking up the pieces from bipolar, and will continue to do so for years, probably. Quite a large debris field (can you tell I'm thinking in terms of 9/11 with phrases like that?). Funny how whichever language or style of speaking I'm exposed to I end up internalizing briefly. Like after going to a Shakespeare play, I think in semi-Shakespearian terms, and after hearing or speaking French, I think in it for awhile. It's like osmosis! After seeing a Jane Austen movie, I think in their langua...

I hope I'm not developing a toothache. I know what that would mean. It's been a busy day, Third-Reich-wise. The History Channel had several programs on the Waffen-SS today and now there's one about Hitler's deranged plans for monumental architectural buildings and towers and stadiums once he "won the war." What a dumb*ss. Part of his pathology has to be egotism, but how much? Anti-Semitism had to be largely a crutch upon which he leaned to accomplish his Adolf-centric goals. Grandiosity. And why was he so invested in the outcome of the war? He could not accept that Germany was losing, giving out orders right up until the Russians entered Berlin. Why was that critical to his survival? Why was he so invested in his enormous "dreams," such that he could not give them up, and killed himself once the end was inevitable? Guess what? My German accent improved a little after having a semester's worth of German poetry with a native speaker. Ve...

ON NOTICE: JAMES BRADY LUTHERANS BLACK HOLE AT CENTER OF GALAXY GRIZZLY BEARS THE BRITISH EMPIRE JOURNAL OF PALEOLIMNOLOGY MICHAEL ADAMS TODD RUNDGREN BARBRA STREISAND ISRAELI NEWSPAPERS TORONTO RAPTORS DEAD TO ME: CNN EN ESPANOL CAST OF FRIENDS OWLS SCREW-CAP WINES BOWTIE PASTA CALIFORNIA'S 50TH CONGRESSIONAL DISTRICT NEW YORK INTELLECTUALS MEN WITH BEARDS HEATHER CLARK [wikipedia.org]

One of many running gags on "The Colbert Report" is of Colbert posing with a portrait of himself posing with a portrait of himself. I'm going to need to be more flexible about my move-in schedule. I'm getting Lorien at around 11am on Monday, and I have an interview at 3pm with one of my internship possibilities on Tuesday in the city, so I'll have to be well-dressed and at the interview on time in the midst of all the chaotic unpacking. I was also hoping to meet with both advisors on Monday for some paperwork, but that may have to wait. I'm also going to need to petition the financial aid office about staying through the spring. Lots of annoying odds and ends those first few days! Luckily, I've already purchased most of my textbooks, so I can hopefully avoid the wretched pit of serpents that is the school bookstore. Cheers! I own entirely too many jeans, most of which are now too large *frown*. I would put them in the washing machine on "hot...

Colbert fans in the Bay Area, listen up! Let's go to the SF zoo to see "Stephen junior" and film a segment for the show! Great idea, huh? An excess of asparagus. That's the theme for tonight's dinner. I like it, but seven or eight stalks is too much. I'll go put it in the fridge for manana. I've applied to a total of about 10 internships so far. It's helping me get a feel for what jobs appeal and which do not. I don't think I'm a future journalist; I'd rather do editorials than shove a microphone into someone's face with personal questions, fighting off competitive coworkers in the meantime. I don't really care about covering what's happening at City Hall or whose second grade kid's mom filed a sexual harassment suit against the school custodian. International stuff I totally dig, and social work. Meaningful one-on-one contact with other people. I feel like my life has been so deprived of meaning that I crave it ev...

I'm watching a documentary about the firefighters on 9/11 on the History Channel, and it's bringing back memories of that day. There's enough distance between then and now that I appreciate re-visiting the events and the feelings. There's been a degree of healing and letting go and acceptance, I feel, for many Americans, and, I sense, among some of the family and friends of the victims. Healing provides emotional distance. It's bizarre to look at the images of the suffering that day and to think about all the bloodshed and suffering that have come about as a direct result. I honestly feel that on that day, the terrorists won. They got us. They overwhelmed us beyond our capacity to cope and broke the heart of the nation; they brought down the fiercest lion in the world, so to speak. The ramifications are endless. That's a big accomplishment for a few thugs. My mom woke me up early that morning to say that the Pentagon and WTC had been bombed. I threw the...

I love gardening. I was watering the plants earlier, quenching their thirst, and enjoying the sense of giving life to others. More silliness from the movie "Grease": "We're for each other like Womp bop a looma a womp bam boom. Just like my brother is Sha na na na na na na na yippity dip da do. Chang chang changity chang shoo bop We'll always be together; Waooo, yeah!"

Life moves forward. I've learned a lot over the past few months, about myself, about others, about relationships, and I can already tell there's a lot of healing going on between old friends and I, and it feels really good. I hope I've learned how to be a better listener and more tolerant of others, and less judgmental. I think I'm learning how to be part of a group. It's going to be a great semester. I'll be getting lorien at the airport, probably, packing up this weekend, and I can't wait to see Amina, Eden, Hunter, Brenna, and everyone else, including new people. I'm so excited. I'm continuing to apply for internships, which is great practice for the big job search in the spring. I'm practically cross-eyed because I spent probably 5 or 6 hours online today. It feels really good to be doing this. If I don't land any internships, my next choice is massage therapy at a spa off-campus, my last choice would be massage therapy in my roo...

"The Kindness of Strangers" I got a flat tire today! It could have been a huge drag, but luckily, a guy walking past offered to put my spare on. Such a nice guy, working-class, probably an immigrant. I mention this only because of the contrast between him and a highly-paid attorney. I very much doubt an attorney would have stopped to help out, but this guy was happy to, and showed me how to change the tire on my own. The quote is from "A Streetcar Named Desire," where Blanche says "I have often depended upon the kindness of strangers." I love Jon Bon Jovi and his music, it's so real and raw and down to earth. So is he. Just love him (he's interviewed on Larry King tonight). I would call it a guilty pleasure, only I don't feel guilty about the fact that I like him and his music. I have a b*tch of a headache, the kind where your eyes hurt and are sensitive to light. Oh dear, here comes the Jonbenet Ramsey coverage. I have to add my two c...

ZOOT SUIT RIOT! "You got soul, you got class; you got style, you're bad-ass" (Christina Aguilera's new song "Ain't No Other Man") Wish me luck! I'm faxing in my chef d'oeuvre--my internship application into which I've put some hard work! P.S. our fax machine must be in cahoots with the washing machine; neither is working, so I'm harrumphing over to das post office to mail my application, and then to Trader Joe's to complain about the soggy Persian-style cucumbers they sold me yesterday :-(. Larry King has dyed his hair a terrible shade of red/brown, leaving gray streaks. He looks even creepier than usual. Lou Dobbs dyed his hair too, and it's so obvious as to be distracting.

Maybe that's what I'm supposed to be doing right now--writing. Creating a space for me and only me; creating something in cyberspace. I miss creation. Must go downstairs for some milk. I love to write. That's it. Whether others enjoy reading what I write is another matter, but not a very important one. Wow. I'm impressed. Hugh Hefner's sons want to take over the magazine some day and "keep it classy, and not become like Hustler." They're well spoken and have other goals as well, and seem down to earth. Impressive. My teeth hurt. I've added some new links. From the musical "Grease": "When we go out a night (oh-h oh), And stars are shining bright (oh-h, oh), Up in the skies above. Or at the high school dance Where you can find romance maybe it might be lo-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uve!"

Protecting Your Online Identity, By Stephen Colbert: 1. Always type with your non-dominant hand, so your emails are not in your regular handwriting. 2. Pick the right password--one that even you can't remember, let alone anyone else--just close your eyes and slap the keyboard a few times. 3. To avoid your credit card info from being stolen, get hundreds of credit cards, and never use the same one twice. Destroy each one after using it. This way, if a charge appears, you'll know it wasn't you! 4. Get spyware. "De-frag" your hard drive. I don't know what that means but i overheard a computer nerd say it. I think it's where your computer moves a bunch of rectangles around to make it feel better. 5. Tighten security on your search history by doing a fake search for every real search that you do. Then, add the phrase "I am not Stephen Colbert" to every search. 6. Avoid viruses. Be sure to wash your computer once a month, using a mild detergent...

Went to Ikea and Trader Joe's. Am working on second internship application. Frustrated that the fax machine won't fax. The washing machine has given up altogether, so I'll have to wait till next week at school. Anxiety about interviews; getting there on time, what to wear, how to answer questions, where to park, etc., and worried that I wouldn't be able to get up early twice a week, take BART into the city, and get to my internship on time. Christiane Amanpour is arguing with her guest, that's unusual for her. She has an interesting accent; she's Iranian but was raised in England. She doesn't sound either one, to me. I'm still trying to function at my pre-bipolar level, which means there's still some acceptance and letting go that I need to do. Once I do that, things would right themselves, but I'm so afraid. I'm still holding on by my fingernails, feeling like I'm about to fall no matter what I do. This makes sense, though, becau...

To an otherwise dreary day. Applying for internships (and jobs, for that matter) is much more difficult and time-consuming than I'd first thought. It's not simply a matter of sending off a resume. I did send off one complete application today, and researched and learned about several others, which I'll address as soon as possible tomorrow. Now that I've actually found something I like, I'm afraid the position will be filled before I can apply! I refuse to put sheets on my bed. I just don't feel like it, so I'm sleeping with a blanket. And I wish the washing machine would stop giving me attitude; I've been trying to complete the same load of laundry all day. A good feeling to the end of the day; I'm glad I finally tackled the internship hurdle. I'm trying to get Natasha's room because it's further from the kitchen and hopefully quieter, and am still on the list for a quiet room. I'm almost ready to send my second internship appli...

A little bit goes a long way. Could I BE any more bored? There is NOTHING to do, nothing to watch on TV; I do not feel like doing anything at all. Geez Louise. Oh well. I'll get to see Lorien and Amina and Eden next week, and my other friends (the ones who remain!); that's something to look forward to, and I am looking forward to my classes; two of my favorite instructors, plus a new one who seems really nice, and subject matter that interests me. Things will look up then. Christina Aguilera's giving an in-person performance of her new song; I like it and I like her. She's in complete control of her career. My Indian food tonight was kind of yucky. I miss dancing so much. No other news to report today. "Think about it. I haven't." --Stephen Colbert

Did FDR know about, and even encourage, the attack on Pearl Harbor? I think that's pretty ridiculous, but one possibility is that he knew that going to war would pull the country out of the depression, which would have been a very popular move on his part. One question these conspiracy theorists do not address is why FDR would want to go to war (other than my suggestion). There was little popular support for a war, and they say that Pearl Harbor was the needed trigger to convince the public to support a war. Sure enough, my dad says that the day after Pearl Harbor, people were standing in long lines to enlist. "Scott McClellan could say nothing like nobody else." --Stephen Colbert

What is going on? I'm so upset! Natasha's not coming back, Bridget's not...I'm really going to miss them--and our camaraderie--next year. A lot of folks are returning, and I'm grateful for that, but I'm very disturbed. Honestly, I don't want to go back, either, but it's really my only option at this point. I would much rather go somewhere else, but that's water under the bridge. I should have applied to Columbia. I don't want to be a mills alum, there are so few opportunities. I never wanted to go to mills; it was always my "well, I have bipolar, things would have been different otherwise," school. Thank you all, so much, for visiting my blog. Dreadfully conflicted. Well, dreadful, actually. Stressed out, uncertain, terribly lonely and worried. Scared about the future, worried about money and financial security, meeting the right people. I am not prepared for another year of school without a social life. I might be able to gra...

Video of Colbert's sad acceptance that Joe Lieberman will never appear on his show (complete with Cocoa Puffs). Here Stephen combines his Wikipedia farce with the conundrum of whether Oregon is California's Canada or Washington's Mexico. Here is Stephen's introduction of the now-famous word "truthiness," complete with derision of dictionaries. In this clip, Colbert convinces a Congressman to admit to false cocaine use, which made for confusing headlines the next day. Here , Colbert expresses the hope the World War III will come to pass, for all the wrong reasons. Finally, this is the interview where Stephen humorously reveals the ignorance of a certain southern Congressman. For those of you who still can't get enough truth, here is the link to Comedy Central's library of "Colbert Report" clips, and this is the link to a site devoted almost entirely to Colbert videos. "Anyone can read the news to you. I promise to feel the news at ...

[heaven forbid that that should happen in a language as diverse as english, but i'm going to complain anyway :-)] hysterical becomes hysteria, not hysterica, and esoteric becomes esoterica, not esoteria. ...?

either. i am, though, because the finish line is too close and i've been too many other places, and, i'm just plain sick of school. this realization got me out of bed, making lunch and washing my face. it's the shortest distance between two points, and the path of least resistance. my motivation motor has ground completely to a halt. of course, murphy's law says that by this time next year, i'll have a fabulous job, friends, contacts, and a rich life, and will look back on today as a complete waste of time, spent worrying needlessly. i think i need to sit on these choices for a few days and see what feels right (as far as graduating in just one semester goes). i'm still totally uncertain about internships. "I'm sorry, Jon [Stewart]. I blacked out during your boring suggestion." --Stephen Colbert

none at all. i woke up around nine, and here i am, at 12:21pm, lying in bed, blogging, and watching tv. not sure why i'm wasting all this time. don't really want to get engaged with life as i know it. wanting to go back to school because it's better than this, but not because it's truly where i want to be. not applying for internships. can't convince myself to do anything or go anywhere. should exercise, go shopping. no desire to spend money i do not have. i love christina aguilera, though, i have to say. she has come full circle and found meaning and happiness in her life and that just sends me over the moon because it's what i want for myself. i totally identify with and admire her. she's being interviewed on VH1 and I love everything she says; i also love her new album, it has excellent artistic merit and clearly used a lot of imagination and inspiration, with a 1940's-inspired vintage, jazz-and-blues theme. i get such a good vibe just liste...

If a train leaves New York City at 9am, headed south/southwest at 59 miles per hour, and another train leaves Chicago at 9:29 am, headed east, at 98 per hour, and the two trains are on a collision course with each other, wouldn't the passengers be happier if they didn't know about it? Stephen Col[bear]: "Grizzly Man": Is Stephen aware that his last name ryhmes with " bear "? That might come as a tremendous blow to him, given his apoplectic fear of/hatred for bears, who are, in his words, " Godless killing machines ." "I agree that Brooklyn needs a lot of things, but medieval weaponry is not one of them." --Lewis Black

remembering only the good, or is that a form of blindness? some call it healing.

Next year will be different; Bridget will not be with us either, and Halie graduates in the winter. Erin is gone, too. And Laraine. And Claire. It's like a revolving door. I feel very isolated, and I see no end to the isolation. I wish I went to a school like Berkeley, which has an amazing career center. I just feel like so many doors have been closed, like I'm locked out. I feel like there's no access to all of the places where I belong because I don't go to an elite school the way I wanted to. I'm going to have to rely on my own ingenuity even more now. I'm tired of fighting so hard on my behalf. I still hurt so much, painfully aware of the loss that each passing day is, and the pain of loneliness. I know what kind of life I want to live, and have no idea how to get there. "I'm disappointed that my own Catholic Church has decided that capital punishment is wrong. Which is pretty hypocritical if you think about it, because they wouldn't ...

I'm afraid my readers may be stuck with terribly dull details about my life right now, but at the end of the day, this is my blog and for me. I may be ready to let go of my law enforcement commitment; there isn't a whole lot to do there that interests me, and my life is going in other directions. I know that i need to break out of this narrow box in which i've been living, and i don't know how, except by breaking down every wall that comes my way. i really need to employ initiative and motivation now, not rest on my laurels. last year was my big college re-debut, this year college is a launching pad. i must make use of my time before graduation. Where is my internship resistance coming from? Is there something else I should be doing instead? What is the best way to improve my vocabulary and my writing? I really wanted to go to Oxford to study English language and literature. "The best way to change the system is to wait until it changes." --Stephen C...

I just thought of a dreadful iteration of the name of our dorm: "Ethel Moore-ons." Terrible, isn't it? But because I love wordplay, I'm including it here. It's a relief to have the television off; I can hear the breeze through the trees. I'm ordering pizza tonight; I just can't get myself to go grocery shopping. Oh well; one meal with refined carbs won't kill me. I love having the house to myself; I can make it the way I want it--tables pulled up to the tv so I can use my laptop, laundry drying everywhere, etc. One of the reasons "24" is so successful is because it's about human behavior, behind-the-scenes power struggles, not simply gadgets and suspense and military games. How can I get myself to exercise? My back will stiffen up and start hurting soon if I don't do something. How is it possible that I have so much going for me, yet have remained sidelined and isolated all these years? "There's nothing wrong with being...

I have been watching a dreadful reality show called " The Girls Next Door ," which is about Hugh Hefner's three girlfriends. It's sad, but I can't look away. One of the girlfriends, Bridget, shaves her long-haired cat as if it were a poodle. It hisses at her all the time, but she doesn't seem to notice. She's 30-something, but wears her hair in pigtails, talks in a giggly little-girl voice, and her entire bedroom is pink. Holly, Hef's "main" girlfriend, believes that she and Hef are in love, and that they'll be settling down and having kids soon. Hef is 80, and not even divorced from his current wife. Holly's 25. She came to live at the mansion when Hef had SEVEN girlfriends, and after just one date with him! Kendra, the youngest "girlfriend," at 20, has her hair dyed the same color platinum as Holly's. She's a little clueless; I have no idea how she wound up as a "girlfriend." At a murder mystery part...

It's the non-commisioned officers who win wars, I've heard a high-ranking officer say. Generals make the plans, but it's squad and platoon leaders who carry out the minute details and make split-second decisions while under fire. This was especially clear in " Band of Brothers. " I believe Eisenhower actually said, as D-Day commenced, that it was out of his hands, and up to the men on the beach. "By the way, I am legally required to mention that the show tonight may contain peanut products." --Stephen Colbert

D-Day is Monday, August 21 and H-Hour is 9am on that day. Operation Going Back to School. Objective: check in at Sage, move stuff into dorm, drive home for more stuff. D-Day Plus 1: Tuesday, August 22. bring more stuff to school, eat on campus, stay overnight. I checked in electronically and requested a room change since natasha won't be coming back. "I don't want someone shoving his views down my throat, unless they're covered in a crunchy candy shell." --Stephen Colbert

I feel like i should say something as i write here in the dark, just before i turn in. I'm worried about not having the opportunities that a different school would have brought; i worry about being excluded. mostly, I can't wait to get to school. Tomorrow i must go to Trader Joe's . Steve Carrell [as announcer for Moviefone]: "Hello, and welcome to Moviefone. To select "The Passion of the Christ", press 1. To select Jesus Christ as your personal savior, press 2. If you were one of they who mocked him, ye I say unto thee, press 3. To hear these instructions again in Tongues, press 4."

SNL had a hilarious sketch tonight where Seth Myers and Peter Sarsgaard pretend to have a serious argument about plagiarism in Cat Fancy magazine, in which cyclops cats skateboard, fight as ninjas, kill Jimmy Carter, a Siamese cat babysits over 700 children, and one graduates from Princeton . The actors were literally covered in real cats, who were completely unaware of the humorous situation, and proceeded to act as regular, deliberate, serious cats, while the actors could barely suppress their laughter. Lewis Black [after showing a commercial advocating President Bush]: "Here's the message I'm getting from this commercial: 'We had to take out Saddam Hussein because, as the Communist leader of Germany, he blew up the World Trade Center, and that's why we went to Vietnam. Vote for Reagan!'"

Aileen Wuornos should never have been executed. More later. She was portrayed by Charlize Theron in the film "Monster." She suffered such profound trauma throughout her life that her alleged murders weren't the same as if they had been committed by a stable woman from a loving home and normal life. I don't know about not guilty by reason of insanity, but i would argue "no death penalty on basis of profound emotional disturbance"--almost to the point of honestly not knowing right from wrong. she should of course have been held responsible for her behavior, but executing her was wrong. "I love my Church, and I'm a Catholic who was raised by intellectuals, who were very devout. I was raised to believe that you could question the Church and still be a Catholic. What is worthy of satire is the misuse of religion for destructive or political gains. That's totally different from the Word, the blood, the body and the Christ. His kingdom is not of this e...

Reading Shakespeare aloud Cats Wordplay Living in a dorm full of women whose company I enjoy Satisfying conversations with my mom Feeling glamorous Reading with my dad, in silence, commenting on the news, or enjoying a joke together (making up our own) Feeling loved Creative writing DANCING Trying to identify other languages Making others laugh, telling stories Making something more beautiful than it was to start with Seeing old friends Quaking aspen trees Lake Tahoe Doing several things at once Talking (arguing?) about politics Talking to people who are definitely smarter and/or more educated than I (me?) John Denver Bastilla Lemon and sugar crepes "In my lifetime, we've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in 12 years, we'll be voting for plants." --Lewis Black

Rather proclaim it, Westmoreland, through my host, That he which hath no stomach to this fight, Let him depart; his passport shall be made And crowns for convoy put into his purse: We would not die in that man's company That fears his fellowship to die with us. This day is called the feast of Crispian: He that outlives this day, and comes safe home, Will stand a tip-toe when the day is named, And rouse him at the name of Crispian. He that shall live this day, and see old age, Will yearly on the vigil feast his neighbours, And say 'To-morrow is Saint Crispian:' Then will he strip his sleeve and show his scars. And say 'These wounds I had on Crispin's day.' Old men forget: yet all shall be forgot, But he'll remember with advantages What feats he did that day: then shall our names. Familiar in his mouth as household words Harry the king, Bedford and Exeter , Warwick and Talbot, Salisbury and Gloucester , Be in their flowing cups freshly remember'd. This sto...

I've always loved swimming because it involves being suspended in three dimensions. As a kid, I loved being submersed, upside down, and looking up at my feet. On the ground we perambulate around in two dimensions, usually, but in water (and in the air) the ground rules change (sorry for the pun). I delighted in spending many summers largely in the pool as a kid, experimenting with 3-d space, and just messing around, playing games, finding new ways to jump off the diving board, how to make the biggest waves, etc. Good times.

i feel so empty and i don't know where to go to get filled up. there's nothing on tv and i don't feel like going out. i'm very lonely and starved for company, companionship, and affection. i don't know what i need to do in order to heal--that's the key; i need to heal but don't know how or where to go for it. i feel like i need a ladder or some tools to help me climb out of this hole, but there's nothing there. i know i need help from something outside myself. i feel alone and isolated, and i don't think i can heal in a vacuum. or, is that the problem--looking outside of myself for what i need?

Welcome, cyberspacial visitors, from near and far: frequent visitors in Yountville; Rock Springs, Minnesota (Erin!), Aliso Viejo (Natasha? Jen?), Fort Lauderdale (Zeccas?), and Hayward, as well as visitors from Argentina, Australia, Brazil, Bulgaria, Canada, Chile, China, Denmark, France, Germany, Great Britain, Greece, Holland, India, Indonesia, Israel, Japan, Jordan, Republic of Korea, Malta, New Zealand, Norway, Poland, Singapore, South Africa, Spain, Sweden, Switzerland, Taiwan, Turkey, United Arab Emirates, and Venezuela. Enjoy your stay; I apologize for the lack of refreshments or background music.

The website of a friend who leads a creative writing group for people with bipolar or depression at Stanford . Highly recommended. Here is the link to the Bipolar Clinic there. "Are you as obsessed with Stephen Colbert as much as he is?" --tagline from his show

researching internships is stressful because it makes me think of my life post-graduation. i have no idea what i want to do or who would hire me. i feel absolutely at sea. i've been clinging to school like a life raft all these years, becaues without a degree i'm not employable. plus, i've always wanted to graduate, it wasn't my plan to get derailed. anyway. i guess the best thing to do is to just start applying and see what happens. i'm worried about getting something i absolutely hate and am terrible at. i just have no faith in myself or the system. and i worry about money, always, because i'll graduate with so much debt and then there are my medical expenses/SSDI situation. i don't even know what kinds of jobs are out there, and i don't know if i want a corporate environment or what an alternative might be--working in a lab (no thanks), being a psychologist (maybe)...working outdoors (no), with kids (not primarily), teaching (as part of someth...

"Fiddle dee dee," said Scarlett O'Hara, "I'll think about that tomorrow." Shall I go to Ikea or Trader Joe's ? Probably neither. Whence my inertia? Oh, I've decided to put just one space between sentences, rather than two. Let's see just how boring i can make this part of my blog: Must remember to "reserve" the Ethel Moore TV for " The Colbert Report ." it's four nights a week, but only for half and hour, and not till 11:30pm, so hopefully people won't mind. plus, it's as funny as all get-out and liberal in slant, like most students at Mills . Going out would require getting dressed. i don't know how i feel about that. i haven't even folded my laundry from yesterday, or put today's batch in the machine. i tried to shrink some shorts and a skirt, but haven't tried them out yet. doubt it was successful. i want to go to h and m when i get to school; they have stylish stuff at reasonable prices (natas...

when there's nothing else to air. msnbc has dragged two "experts" onto the air to grill them about this israeli helicopter that was just shot down by a sophisticated chinese-made rocket from hezbollah. it already is a world war, not in the traditional sense, but in thomas friedman's "globalization" sense--people are using weapons purchased from other nations, which are based on models of weapons from still other countries. in the same way that my blue jcrew pants were assembled in indonesia with fabric from egypt, and shipped back to states for distribution, under the direction of corporate headquarters in new hampshire, perhaps, using funds from a swiss bank account, hezbollah has launched a chinese-built, russian-modelled rocket that it probably secured from either iran or syria. similarly, israel is fighting mostly with weapons we have given them. maybe tonight i could go to a bookstore and read one of my books for school, to get it out of the way, and...

Hi everyone; loyal and trusted readers: I've discovered a dreadful way to "spy," if you will, on my readers--there's an icon at the bottom of this page that allows me to see from which cities people are viewing my blog. This whole cyberspace thing can get really unhealthy--it can become an endless loop of who's spying on whom, and who they last spied on, who is reading whose blog and when, etc. Very silly, and all too easy for me to get caught up in. Anyway, i think i won't go to Tahoe after all. i love the lake, but there is absolutely no one to hang out with my age. i'd be dreadfully bored and lonely, and there's stuff around here i'd rather do--like get ready to pack for school, which i am supremely uninterested in doing. i do want to go to ikea to get new decorations for my room, but it's saturday and it will be packed. All in all, i'm giving Newton a run for his money with my profound sense of inertia. no desire to do much of anything....

Joseph Lieberman has gone so far out on a limb with his campaign strategy that he's practically suspended in mid-air. He stuck with his pro-war stance long after it became clear it was unpopular. i don't understand why he did this, except perhaps he did not want to appear "wishy-washy" by changing stances right away. He sticks with it even now, long after it's fairly apparent that that is largely what lost him his incumbency. I think that running as an Independent is also a mistake. He knows he won't win, and there is a risk that his campaign will take votes away from the Democratic candidate, Ned Lamont, heightening the risk that the Republican candidate may win. It seemed like a relatively easy win for Lamont, in the primary, who basically crowed his anti-war stance and probably didn't have to say much else in order to draw the majority of voters to him. Obviously, the war was a "wedge" issue here, which may portend deciding factors in the upco...

This time, This place Misused, Mistakes Too long, Too late Who was I to make you wait Just one chance Just one breath Just in case there’s just one left ‘Cause you know, you know, you know [That I love you I have loved you all along And I miss you Been far away for far too long I keep dreaming you’ll be with me and you’ll never go Stop breathing if I don’t see you anymore] On my knees, I’ll ask Last chance for one last dance ‘Cause with you, I’d withstand All of hell to hold your hand I’d give it all I’d give for us Give anything but I won’t give up ‘Cause you know, you know, you know [Chorus] So far away Been far away for far too long So far away Been far away for far too long But you know, you know, you know I wanted I wanted you to stay ‘Cause I needed I need to hear you say That I love you I have loved you all along And I forgive you For being away for far too long So keep breathing ‘Cause I’m not leaving Hold on to me and never let me go [Nickelback]

the good news is that i've lost some weight. the bad news is that almost none of my beautiful, expensive (half price) clothes fit anymore! i have lots of beautiful slacks and pants from banana republic that no longer fit. i hate waste! i'll try to have some altered and shrink others in the wash (a couple of years ago, i was so thin that i was trying to shrink my size 0 and 2 pants!). it's just occurred to me that it's ok to break free. it's like i finally have my wings, and am so overdue for "takeoff" that it'll be difficult to stay on the ground much longer. i feel like an airplane landing on an aircraft carrier, with the thick steel cord that catches the landing gear and prevents the plane from sliding off the edge, only i'm so restless and have so much momentum i'm about to fly right off. i saw a documentary about the USS Indianapolis today. very sad story. and then two episodes of "Band of Brothers," which i just love. got my teet...

has arrived. i always knew it was there, waiting for me, but here it is. i'm really frightened because i have to face issues i've been able to avoid until now; not because i really wanted to, but as a survival mechanism. it's hard to live inside my head and inhabit my own body again. it's really hard. i'm afraid of what the next year holds--getting a real job, finding something i like, liking the people i work with, getting to work on time, pleasing my superiors, being able to function, hoping there isn't too much stress. i'm scared because i don't know what lies ahead. it did help to research internships today, but it was scary. i guess the next step is writing out cover letters, making sure my resume is accurate, and determining which writing samples i'll want to use. then they might ask me in for an interview. i'm out of town next week, and then school starts. that's always a little stressful, what with moving in, getting to class,...

back then, i knew. and i promised myself. and it's been hard, coming back to myself. but i realize that "all this" really is about me, and that everyone else's stuff is theirs. it's like there's a line drawn between me and another person, and my half is mine and theirs is theirs. i've been getting my wires crossed all this time. i feel that the sorting out has begun. it's so hard to live inside my head again, though. so hard to withdraw from all the wrong places i've been staring into, wondering what i was looking for, begging to be released back into sanity. it's so much easier not to be present, and if i'm not careful, i'm afraid that i might slide back into autopilot, and look up, and twenty years have passed. i write about pain a lot. it scares away lots of people who can't relate. but then, i can't relate to their "normalcy." but the point is that i don't intend to stay here. i'm going to get to the stab...

(as opposed to "The Fire Next Time," a book by James Baldwin)

watching "Band of Brothers" makes me think about the phenomenon of war in general, but also how i picture myself faring. part of me thinks i would stand up and yell at the enemy, "stop it! just stop it. stop firing at us! it's annoying and loud. knock that sh*t off." part of me thinks i would fail--have the wrong instincts, not be alert enough, not be a good leader or end up with a crappy leader i wouldn't want to follow. i wonder what it's like to be in a situation where you could die at any moment, where gruesome things happen all around you and to your friends all the time. i've never considered my life so cheaply before. i wonder if i would be the type of person to sacrifice my life, knowing it would be better to die honorably than live shamefully and cowardly when everyone else was dying instead. you see and hear accounts where leaders head right into the line of fire because they were ordered to or because it's the only way to lead their me...

Two days past eighteen, He was waitin' for the bus in his army greens. Sat down in a booth, in a cafe there, Gave his order to a girl with a bow in her hair. He's a little shy but she give him a smile, So he said: "Would you mind sittin' down for a while? "And talkin' to me. I'm feelin' a little low." She said: "I'm off in an hour and I know where we can go." So they went down and they sat on the pier, He said: "I bet you got a boyfriend but I don't care, "I got no one to send a letter to. "Would you mind if I sent one back here to you?" ... Dixie Chicks Written by Bruce Robison and Farrah Braniff

when gazing into an abyss, the abyss also gazes into you. i wish i could find that quote in the original german, because each interpretation differs and i'd rather have my own. beware into whose abyss you gaze, for they gaze into you, too, and might poison you. it's about who we let into our hearts; toxic or pleasurable and healing. learning to trust means also learning to distrust, no? (learning who to distrust). the stimulation i seek; the brilliance i seek. i must remind myself every day of what w and a say and how they make me feel; that's real; that's what i cling to to get me out of this deep dark hole. Stephen Colbert : "Every night on my show, I speak straight from the gut. I give people the truth unfiltered by rational argument; I call it the 'No Fact Zone.' Fox News, I have a copyright on that term."

"Oregon is more like Idaho's Portugal." Stephen Colbert

i've absolutely had it with my family. good thing i had a wonderful session with w today, and i saw a, who made me feel good, too. i have absolutely had it. i'm out of here in two weeks, and hopefully never looking back. i'm excited about tahoe, but it's all grown-ups and no one my age. they have a movie theater, yoga studios, lots of beaches, and kayaking/river rafting, so i should be fine. oh well. that's how my life has gone. august 21st can't get here fast enough. it truly is a ridiculous farce around here. i feel like no more damage can be done, though, because i'm finally learning what some of the major problems are, and i feel a little safer. i was still heaving deep sighs of relief after i'd gotten home this afternoon. really good session. must research "transference" and "countertransference." i'll need weekly support next year and will be furious if the counseling center doesn't accomodate my request. i do...