I Knew

back then, i knew. and i promised myself. and it's been hard, coming back to myself. but i realize that "all this" really is about me, and that everyone else's stuff is theirs. it's like there's a line drawn between me and another person, and my half is mine and theirs is theirs.

i've been getting my wires crossed all this time. i feel that the sorting out has begun. it's so hard to live inside my head again, though. so hard to withdraw from all the wrong places i've been staring into, wondering what i was looking for, begging to be released back into sanity. it's so much easier not to be present, and if i'm not careful, i'm afraid that i might slide back into autopilot, and look up, and twenty years have passed.

i write about pain a lot. it scares away lots of people who can't relate. but then, i can't relate to their "normalcy." but the point is that i don't intend to stay here. i'm going to get to the stable, healthy, well-balanced world, and i am already well on my way.

i get into painful situations to learn more about myself, my hurts, and what i need to do to stop hurting and start having a better life. i have to reach a certain level of pain before i can turn around and say, ok, i'm barking up the wrong tree, this is not working.

i've recovered part of my soul, my spirit, that was dead and gone or asleep or on hiatus. and it has to be about me. it has to be internal. i know that now. salvation cannot be found in others. the way out is in. the answers are inside me. it's time to close up shop and not live quite as "exterior" a life as i have been.

school this year will be better on so many levels but mostly because i've learned so much about myself and other people. living with others was hard last year, but i've learned a lot and will cope better this time.

and so much of it is simply about assertiveness. standing up to people and not letting them trample me down. i live with a very abusive person, and it's been nearly impossible all these years to find a voice for myself. but it's coming, and as i get bigger, the abuser gets smaller.

even tone of voice helps. the funniest thing comes from volunteering with the police; after i come back from the station i have a firmer tone of voice and i find myself saying things in a more declarative tone and being more assertive. funny how only a few hours in the presence of a hierarchy like law enforcement and subtle aspects of it rub off--i become just assertive enough that the other person's ears perk up and she takes me a bit more seriously.

i had a dream that i returned to pomona, and seeing people i hadn't seen in years. they were going to be seniors, just as i am. i had the choice of whether i wanted to return to Mills or graduate from pomona. very strange. it's like all of a sudden, going back to pomona was an option, it was ok, it was open to me.

this is exactly what happens--i lose my sense of self. it happens a lot and i hate it. it's starting to come back as i begin to reestablish my own personal boundaries. i hate losing my identity.

i tried blow-drying my hair today, with mixed results. it's worth trying again. i'm updating my appearance. i need to live a private life again. i need to worry less about what this blog is or isn't or how it appears to others, whether enough people visit or whatever. less attuned to what others think, overall.