The Unbearable-ness of Being Here

i've absolutely had it with my family. good thing i had a wonderful session with w today, and i saw a, who made me feel good, too. i have absolutely had it. i'm out of here in two weeks, and hopefully never looking back. i'm excited about tahoe, but it's all grown-ups and no one my age. they have a movie theater, yoga studios, lots of beaches, and kayaking/river rafting, so i should be fine.

oh well. that's how my life has gone. august 21st can't get here fast enough. it truly is a ridiculous farce around here. i feel like no more damage can be done, though, because i'm finally learning what some of the major problems are, and i feel a little safer. i was still heaving deep sighs of relief after i'd gotten home this afternoon. really good session.

must research "transference" and "countertransference." i'll need weekly support next year and will be furious if the counseling center doesn't accomodate my request. i don't like to be told "no," or having things i need taken away from me. i also don't like when people in authority don't recognize my needs.

i've simply given up trying to figure things out here or make sense of it, let alone try to fix it. it's ridiculous. it's time i let go of my parents. my future husband/boyfriend Richard Engel is reporting on MSNBC. Good thing he can teach me Arabic!

the whole point is to never stop reaching for the stars. i have a lot, and i've gotten some profound complements from amazing people. i'm lucky and i know it; i'm "gorgeous and brilliant," says one of my favorite hyper-achieving doctors. i will never stop believing in myself, and i don't want to get sidetracked. i've spent a lot of time looking in the wrong places this summer, learning lessons i wasn't going to learn any other way.

i feel peculiarly grateful and at rest right now. yoga helps. i am loved and respected and admired by amazing people, who see a pot of gold inside. that's what it's all about. who they see is what i want to be, and already am. i just have to believe. choose to believe. choose what i want to believe; the good stuff or the dark stuff.

at the end of the day, this is my life and my world (not literally--geez, studying physics changes my thinking!). i was reminded today that i am the bomb. i've always known it. i have what it takes, and it's time to move forward into a new phase of life. can't wait. parts of it will be difficult, scary, but i know i can get through it (it's funny to me how similar our blogs sound sometimes).

Stephen Colbert: "I believe that the government that governs best is the government that governs least, and by these standards, we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq."